


Notice Me, Senpai!

by R_ATIN



Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs in a Car, Bottom John Paulo Nase | Sejun, Bottom Stellvester "Stell" Ajero, Car Sex, Domestic Boyfriends, Domestic Fluff, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Romance, Explicit Language, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Loss of Virginity, Love, M/M, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Movie Night, Outdoor Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Public Blow Jobs, Rape Recovery, Romance, Semi-Public Sex, Sexual Frustration, Skinny Dipping, Swearing, Switching, Top John Paulo Nase | Sejun, Top Stellvester "Stell" Ajero
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:35:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 71,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24289018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/R_ATIN/pseuds/R_ATIN
Summary: Pau Nase has a long-time, unrequited crush on his Boss, Stell Ajero. But the thing is, he's NOT into guys! Will a three-day trip together change Stell's mind? Or will he end up breaking Pau's heart the second time around?***TRIGGER WARNING***This story contains mentions of Pedophilia/Child Sexual Abuse, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Anxiety and Panic Attacks, Violence, Homophobia, explicit sex scenes, swearing, and degradation. Kindly skip if you are uncomfortable. Appropriate tags and warnings (and more to be added as the story progresses) have been made so please read responsibly.
Relationships: Joshtin - Relationship, Junell, Stell/Sejun, Stelljun - Relationship, Stellvester Ajero/John Paulo Nase
Comments: 416
Kudos: 493





	1. LANGKA-UBE

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the Japanese Yaoi Manga “The Tyrant Falls in Love (恋する暴君, Koisuru Bōkun)” with a twist.

STELL POV

_"I'm sorry Stell. Let's be friends na lang?"_

The guilt was evident in her eyes when she told me those words this morning. Her fingers restlessly fiddled and she kept pursing her lips, maybe contemplating whether she had to explain herself further but realized there was no need to. I just stared at her frowning face, imagining that at the back of her head, she must probably be relieved for finally having the guts to dump me. I smiled bitterly and shrugged. Shit happens anyway, and life decided to shit on me today.

_"Okay, Euna. I appreciate the honesty."_ I said and extended my hand towards her, trying my best to be as civil as I could. _"No hard feelings."_ I added. 

She took my hand, shook it and ran back to her work station from the far end of the office. Her gossipmonger friends hurriedly swarmed around her as soon as she sat down. I smirked at the thought that she had to tell me that just before the start of our work shift, but I guess that can't be helped. I fixed the collar of my Polo and combed my hair with my fingers. _Dapat pogi pa rin kahit busted._

I opted to immerse myself with work instead, not wanting to dwell on unpleasant stuff. However, the thing beside my computer monitor caught my unsolicited attention; my desk calendar. Today was February 7th, a week before Valentine's Day. The latter date was encircled using a bright red ink. I sipped from my mug of tea. The hot liquid suddenly left a putrid taste in my tongue.

I had been planning to book two slots for a Bolinao Joiner Tour for the two of us on Valentine's Day. A surprise supposedly since, to be honest, getting dumped by her was the last thing I expected. We already went out several times, we took selfies and we held hands, heck we almost kissed. Almost; not until she covered her mouth with the back of her hand and said she wasn't ready. Her text messages and replies gradually dwindled after that. I should've known. 

I searched through my personal e-mail inbox, clicking on the reservation confirmation message I received from the Travel Agency a week prior. I've already paid half of the package rate to cover the reservation fee. Good thing it was on promo else it'd be an even bigger waste of money. 

I scrunched my fingers on clumps of my hair, sensing a migraine in the works. My Php 4,000.00 went down the drain in a snap. That thought worn me out way more than Euna's dumping me had. Or not, I couldn’t fucking tell. I let out a frustrated sigh. I grabbed the mouse and pretended to go back to work. And now, the stupid cursor wouldn't move. _Great!_ Even my computer was shitting on me. I moved and moved the mouse back and forth, left-clicking at a rapid pace like my life depended on it. 

I hadn't realized I was already gritting my teeth and forcibly pounding on the innocent gadget against the mouse pad with an audible slam. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. My temples were starting to throb. 

Suddenly, I heard subtle footsteps approaching my direction but I decided to ignore it.

_"Senpai."_ A whispery voice said, followed by a light tap on my shoulder made me look up. The first thing I saw were his braces, then his smiling, Earth-colored eyes. 

_"Yes, Pau?"_ I tried my best to conceal the annoyance in my voice but that was one thing I wasn't good at. He called me Senpai again and it was discomforting. He wiggled a small, rectangular thing against my face before slipping it down on my desk. He fished two more of those from the pocket of his Polo-Barong and placed these together with the first one. Langka-Ube candies. Seriously, he never seemed to run out of this stuff. 

_"Senpai, coffee break ka muna. Ako na bahala dito."_ He offered; his smile could not be torn off from his face. 

At a typical day, I'd most likely be irritated, but he was right. I was at my wit's end and it wasn't even half of the day yet. I carefully peeked above the partition of my station, making sure my bosses were still not around. Coast clear.

I stood from my seat, grabbed my mug and pocketed Pau’s candies. Before completely heading off, I spun around briefly, the candy-giver has already gone back to his desk, which was five seats away from mine. 

_"Pau,” I called softly, and he looked back. “Salamat."_

He nodded and smiled, the kind that didn't reach his eyes. I turned about and walked my way to the pantry.

PAU POV

My eyelids felt heavy and my yawns seemed to hold a barrage of sorts or something. The sun was already up, but it didn't wake me up, really. _Puyat pa more, Pau._

I stayed up until 1 AM, not wanting to stop writing the lyrics to the song I'd been working on since two days ago. My brain seemed to function a lot more at midnight and true enough, I was able to complete the song, melodies and all. 

That would have made me ecstatic and feeling accomplished until I realized my shift starts at 8 AM. My daily commute takes nearly three hours, one way. That meant I had to wake up at 4 AM. Three hours of sleep versus a nine-hour shift, alright! Luckily, sleep crept over me as soon as my head hit the pillow.

So here I was, dragging my feet towards the 24/7 coffee shop at the mall beside our office building to get some perk-me-upper. I must have been sleep-walking all this time. I was startled when the lady at the counter giggled after asking me for a Php 5.00 coin and I fished out a Langka-Ube candy from my pocket and handed it over to her. 

_"Sir Pau haha! Puyat na naman po kayo."_ she said a little too loud, grinning while handing back the candy to me. I felt a surge of blood crawl up my cheeks.

_"Hala! Sorry, sorry Mich. Oo nga eh, sabaw na naman."_ I said apologetically, urgently fumbling through my pants' pocket for coins. I found one and handed it over to her. She took it and punched in on her cash register and asked me to take a seat while waiting for my order. 

In less than two minutes, I got my Iced Caffe Americano to-go but even before I could walk away, Mich called out to me saying _"Sir Pau! Good luck!"_ , even executing that Korean _"Aja!"_ gesture with her hands. It left me confused so I went back to ask her what she meant. _"Good luck dyan sa pagbibigyan mo ng candy. Kay Sir Pogi."_ she said, chuckling like a teenager, covering her mouth with her hands.

_"Adik! Una na 'ko!"_ I exclaimed and bade her goodbye as I dashed through the glass door before she could anymore add up to my embarrassment. 

It only took me five minutes from the coffee shop to our office's lobby entrance. I glanced at the huge clock hanging on the receptionist's wall. It was only 7:20 AM. I still have forty minutes to spend on a power nap.

When I got inside the office, most of the ceiling lights within our area were still off. I quietly walked straight to my desk, almost tiptoeing, to avoid waking my sleeping colleagues up. Cautiously, I hung the straps of my backpack against my chair's backrest, plopped down and did some stretching. The chilly air coming from the AC made me even drowsier.

I extended my arms above my head, satisfied at the cracking sounds my aging bones made, scratched my armpits and gaped my mouth wide to free some more serious yawning. I was in that state when my Team Leader, Stell Ajero came in. He greeted me with that gummy of smile of his, making my heart dance a little. He deposited his sling bag on the floor and sat down, glancing at something which I presumed must be the mirror on his desk, and adjusted his tie.

He wore that plain black long-sleeved polo again, together with that dark red necktie, in that black fitted slacks. Despite my throat running dry, I swallowed hard. The fabric hugged his long, well-toned legs dangerously tight. These pants would definitely be the cause of my untimely death. I took a sip of my coffee, my clumsy mouth failing to catch the straw several times. _Pau, gising!_ I choked a little when he turned to me.

_"Good morning."_ He said, smirking a little. _"Puyat ka na naman ano?"_ Pointing to the skin under his eyes, pertaining to my dark and swollen eye bags.

_"Good morning Sir. Medyo lang po."_ I smiled timidly, clenching my fist to tame the brewing butterflies in my guts. He seemed to be in a rather good mood today, which is not everyday, for the record. Dang, I should've put this on video. I laughed mentally.

Suddenly, a figure briskly walked past my station with the sound of heeled-shoes subtly tapping against the carpeted floor. I only caught a whiff of the person's strong citrus perfume to know that it was Ma'am Euna, approaching Stell's desk. This would have been a predictable daily sight, but something seemed off about her today.

She would usually drop by our work area in an extravagant manner, greeting everyone uncomfortably loud to proclaim her presence. I and my teammates would just hold our best, fakest whisker smiles and pay her no need. Of course, we wouldn’t wish to earn the ire of her devout suitor who happened to be our immediate supervisor.

Most of the time, I'd try to figure out what Stell actually liked about her. She's tall and skinny, fair skinned, beach-blonde and dressed exceptionally well. I would give her that. But she's quite loud and had this really high-pitched voice; that kind which my mom would call _"boses k-"._ Nevermind. 

That's how she was every single day. Today's certainly not one of those days. 

She stood by Stell's side; her head was bent low so I couldn't see her eyes. Her fingers were busy toying with the case of her I.D. This would be so unbecoming of my character, but I leaned just a tad bit closer towards their direction.

_"I'm sorry Stell."_

She began; it was an entire octave lower than her normal tone but I could hear her clearly from where I was sitting. I gulped down on my coffee and held my breath.

_"Let's be friends na lang?"_

My eyes bulged in shock, tightly covering my mouth with both hands to restrain any unwanted noise. My brows curled in the middle. That couldn't be right? Did Ma’am Euna just ditch Stell? I must have misunderstood.

_"Okay, Euna. I appreciate the honesty." “No hard feelings.”_

_Shit, totoo nga?_ I froze in my seat. From my peripheral vision, they shook hands and Ma'am Euna ran back to her work area. I bit my lip, tilted my head and squeezed one eye shut. To think I just said he seemed to be in a good mood just a few minutes ago. _Nausog tuloy._

I threw a swift glimpse at him. He was fixing his collar and brushing his hair up. He looked calm on the outside, but I wasn’t buying it. That’s the look of calm before the storm. I could already smell the dark clouds arising in the corner. 

Three of my teammates came running in a couple of minutes before 8 AM. Each one greeted Stell to which he said nothing, apart from a nod of acknowledgement. His gaze was intensely fixed on his monitor, looking deadpan but with a stern jaw. My eyes dropped to the poor mouse on his right hand being mercilessly stumped on the desk. I took a mental note to queue a request for his new mouse ASAP.

He clasped his fingers against his hair, head bent down, elbows resting on his desk. Funny how words or actions could alter someone’s disposition in a matter of minutes. My chest ached just a tiny bit and wished I could at least rub his temples until he felt better. 

_Break._ He needed to take a break.

I reluctantly stood from my chair and went near him, gently tapping on his shoulder. _“Senpai.”_

He looked up, some lines appeared on his forehead, his hair crumpled. I knew he didn’t like me calling him Senpai. I scooped a Langka-Ube candy from my pocket and placed it on his desk, and placed another two. _Sa akin dapat yung dalawa pa._ But I thought he needed extra dozes of sweets today. I hoped these could somehow make him smile.

_"Senpai, coffee break ka muna. Ako na bahala dito."_ I offered. His mouth twitched in the corner, and I persuaded myself that it was a smile. I decided not to speak any further and politely excused myself before heading back to my table. 

_“Pau.”_ I almost froze when he said my name. _“Salamat.”_

I nodded and forced a smile. I watched as he turned away and disappeared into the corner. I held a hand over my chest, it stung a bit, just a teeny-weeny bit. _Wala yan Pau, malayo sa bituka._ I cleared my throat and took a sip of my coffee that has long since turned acrid from the melted ice. The bitter aftertaste of my coffee seemed ridiculously mild now than the budding bitterness in my system.


	2. PAU’S MEMORY I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part I of Pau's backstory.
> 
> Warnings: Swearing, implied internalized homophobia.

PAU POV

Aside from the ocean of red lights coupled with the deafening chorus of car horns along Mindanao Avenue, I loved watching people walk/run past me. Some would be in their school uniforms, some in their power suits, some in their comfy shirts and jeans, tugging their dogs along in their evening run. 

I took a lungful of the smog-filled air and gazed up. The sun is still visible, but it's all orange now. It must be what, 5:15? 5:20 PM? I left the office as soon as the clock struck 5 PM. Skipping afternoon coffee breaks really had its perks. 

Suddenly, I heard a familiar grumble. My hand automatically flew to my stomach and patted it gently. _"Konting tiis na lang. Malapit na tayo."_ I mumbled to my tummy. 

I reached into my chest pocket and found..nothing. The confusion was short-lived when I remembered I gave my last two Langka-Ube candies to Stell this morning. I pouted. _Ayan, inuna kasi landi, magutom ka ngayon._

After walking past two blocks, I reached a convenience store. I originally planned to just grab some snacks and coffee but then I concluded that I'd most likely be too lazy to cook dinner, so I bought some microwaveable meals as well as a few cans of soda. I squeezed in the grocery items into my backpack and left. 

I walked more slowly this time. There were three blocks left to cover before I reach my apartment, so I began jotting down these notes in my head: _1\. Presentation 2. Dinner 3. Movie._ I needed to accomplish all three activities before I proclaim how productive I was today. 

Finally, I reached my apartment's complex. My room was located at the corner of the second floor. As soon as I got in, I tossed my bag onto the dining stool and plopped down the bed beside it, face down. There wasn't much space, so half of my body was on the mattress while the other half was practically on the dining area.

I took in the scent of my unwashed bedsheet, it smelled like home. Living in Imus, Cavite and working at North Avenue, QC is madness. Working here for eight years made me know better than to brave that unhealthy daily commute. So I rented a single occupancy room here at Project 6, about a 25-minute walk from the office. I went home only during weekends or holidays. _Parang OFW lang_ for the last 8 years.

Burying my face deeper against the mattress, my eyelids suddenly felt heavy, rendering me unsure whether I could complete my remaining three tasks. Nope. Obviously not, so I crossed the movie out from my list of To-Dos for tonight so I could catch some extra hours of nap.

I took a quick bath and change of clothing before working on my project presentation, which was mandatory for my promotion to Team Leadership. I needed to finish this soon or else, I'd hear another earful from Stell, him being my Project Mentor. _"Ang tagal tagal na nyan Pau ha, napanis na yan."_ He would say and I'd pretend to look sorry, but the truth was, _kinikilig ako gago._ An involuntary smile escaped from my lips, but it faded just as quick.

I wished he scolded me like that today, I'd never complain. I wished we heard his usual _"Hay nako"_ whenever one of my teammates didn't reach the quota. I wished he said _"Papaluin ko na talaga kayo"_ whenever one of us came running late. Anything would have been better, really. _Anything._

We never heard a word from him during the entire shift after he took that morning coffee break. He only nodded in agreement, or shook his head otherwise. Once or twice, he lifted a thumb to say _"okay"._ That was his form of communication the whole day. 

I shoved my laptop aside and plopped down the bed, hugging a pillow to my chest. _I missed him._

Stell and I had known each other for five years. I spent my first three years in the company as a Customer Support - Voice Agent before transferring to the Email Support Cluster. Stell joined our group a month after me.

I was instantly attracted to him. He was tall and lean, had broad shoulders and a strong jawline. His jet-black hair swayed just a little above his eyelids, lined by long and thick lashes. He had deep-set eyes that loved to stare, the kind that would make you look away. But the one thing that always stood out was his lips. They were plump and rosy, and always looked swollen from a French kiss. I blushed every time I see those lips.

When he completed his training, he was introduced as the newest member of our team. He was quiet and timid at first but we became good friends right away, music being our common ground. Since majority of the fellow agents were girls and a few gay men, Stell decided to stick with me for company. 

We spent coffee and lunch breaks together at the pantry; we used to always bring _baon_ then and share meals, compete at whose home cooked dish tasted better. We finished tasks quickly so we could hang out and sometimes play at the arcade after work. We walked home together too since he lived along Road 7 while my apartment was at Road 3. 

There's a reshuffling of teams in our cluster every 6 months; so there were instances that we would end up in different teams, and therefore, have different shift hours and rest days. It was never really a problem since one of us would definitely swap his schedule to match the other's. Essentially, we were inseparable.

_Except whenever a new girl caught his attention. He would then flirt and ditch me from time to time._

Being together for the most part, my defenses against his charm grew incredibly fragile. My fondness unwillingly blossomed just a bit more everyday, and it would sting a bit each time he left me for someone new to hit up on.

_"Tol, may chix na bagong trainee dun sa voice."_ His line all the time. 

_"O ngayon? Akala ko ba nagdi-date kayo ni Mariel?"_

_"Last week lang naman yun. Walang sparks eh."_

_"Lolo mo sparks. Akala mo naman talaga."_

_"Gago wala nga. Napaka walang suporta mo naman Nase!"_

_"Ulol ka kasi. Kapag ikaw talaga kinuyog ng lahat ng pinaasa mo, di mo ko resbak ha."_

_"Ganon? Hahayaan mo na lang ako mamatay?"_

_"Masaya akong nakilala kita tol, RIP na lang."_

He would laugh and hit me gently on my shoulder but that would be all there was to it. Every other week, he would ask a girl out for lunch or coffee, while I, being the good best bud would shut up and watch and cheer for him on the sides. 

The tiny sting in my chest grew an inch each day while I've mastered the art of keeping up a cheerful and supportive disposition while taking all the brewing pain in.

There were times I pondered whether I should just confess. Being this close to him daily was beginning to be unhealthy for me, but the mere thought of not seeing nor talking to him made all things even more troublesome. 

_"Bahala na."_ I knew I needed to let it off my chest. He may reject me, probably, probably not. I wouldn't know unless I tried. I just had to, sooner or later, that's all I knew.

One time, our Cluster Head spent her birthday at the office and treated everyone to a hefty feast. Almost all of the tables were full, except for one where some of our gay colleagues sat at. I was about to ask them if Stell and I could join in but he stopped me, looking at me with dagger sharp eyes while shaking his head in full alarm. 

_"Tol, anong problema? Wala na tayong upuan. Sakto dun oh, may dalawa pang bakante."_

_"Ayoko dun. Pwede namang kumain na lang tayo ng nakatayo."_

_"Wala nga tayong malapagan nitong baso ng softdrinks eh. Dalawa lang kamay ko tol."_

_"Ilapag mo na lang dyan sa ibabaw ng ref kasi."_

_"Bakit ba ayaw mo dun? Mga dati mo namang teammates yun ah?"_

_"Hindi naman sa ayaw. Eh basta."_

_"Arte! Bahala ka nga dyan, ayoko mapagod."_

_"Pau! Next time na lang kasi, wag mo naman ako iwan dito."_

Then he pouted his bottom lip and his sharp gaze softly turned into pleading eyes. Everything inside me melted, barring the rational part of my brain to properly function.

_"Fine."_ I would say, placing the cup of soda on top of the fridge. _"Bakit nga ba kasi ayaw mong maki-join dun? Mababait naman yung mga yun ah."_

_"Eh kasi, mga ano sila diba?"_

I eyed him suspiciously. _"Ano? Mga ano?"_

He struggled the word out, seeing how his Adam's apple dip up and down his throat. I'd already noticed his discomfort whenever this subject came up in our daily banters and while I wasn't sure whether I wanted to hear what he really thought about it, I waited eagerly for his answer.

_"Bakla?"_ He said in probably the softest voice I've heard from him.

_"Oo. Eh ano naman? Stellvester ha? Don't tell me.."_

_"No, no. I mean..it's just, I don't know how to act around gay men. Hindi ko alam kung..kung paano ko ihahandle sarili ko around them. Mahirap i-explain. Just, please understand. I'm not comfortable with them Pau."_

He ate silently after that, prompting me to dismiss the conversation. My heart sank to my feet. _Hindi pa man nagsisimula, talo ka na agad Pau._

I suddenly lost my appetite and tossed the plate of _pancit_ and cup of soda into the nearby bin and left the pantry in quick steps. The voice that was calling out my name from somewhere behind me turned into a feeble echo at the back of my head that I didn’t wish to hear. I didn't even have to ask him anymore, it seemed I already got my answer.


	3. PAU’S MEMORY II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may want to re-read the previous chapter lels.

PAU POV

_“Tol? Pau?”_

I was lingering inside the restroom for God knows how long after walking out on Stell earlier. I was still feeling upset about what he said but _shit_ , what a childish thing to do. I knew eyes would be on me, thanks to that little commotion, and Stell calling me out loud behind me didn’t help either.

Seating on the toilet, I crunched my fingers against my hair, thinking of a viable excuse to save face.

_“Hoy Pau!”_

He kept on calling from outside, half-shouting while knocking on the door. I finally stood up and tapped my foot against the trip handle to create a fake flush. Putting a hand over my tummy, I finally stepped out of the cubicle, holding up my best actor-worthy face.

_“Tol! Anyare sayo? Bakit may pa-walk out ka pang nalalaman?”_

_“Walkout agad? Sumakit tiyan ko. Baka dahil sa pansit.”_

_“Ha? Hindi mo naman ginalaw yung pansit?”_

_“Eh basta, bigla sumakit tiyan ko.”_

_“Fine. Ok ka na? Tara na, over break na tayo.”_

I somehow felt relieved as he seemingly bought my alibi. We went back together and walked past the wary stares from the small crowd. I couldn’t afford to let that get into my head so I pushed it back somewhere it couldn’t haunt me.

After that day, I came up with a decision that on any given day, I’d always choose to be with Stell, and that I had to embrace all the pain that goes along with it.

///

I kept my feelings at bay for two more years, where stings and burns became constants in my life. I watched him smile and hold hands with different women during that period. He even introduced his last girlfriend to me, letting her hangout with us occasionally. He seemed to really like her then, but they only lasted for a few months when we caught her canoodling with another guy, apparently her teammate, at our favorite ramen house. We dashed out of the resto after breaking the poor boy’s nose.

He was distraught for a couple of weeks, sweeping every bar there was in Mindanao Avenue, moping in cheap wine while sputtering gibberish almost every night. I had to stay sober just in case I needed to drag him home, but he had excellent alcohol tolerance so it didn’t really happen.

But then again, he is Stellvester Ajero, so he was up on his feet in no time. 

Back at work, he was a proficient employee. He worked twice as hard while keeping focused on completing his project presentation, setting our escapades aside for a month. Eventually, he was promoted to Team Leader (TL) and was already handling a team of his own shortly after, while I was still stuck as an Assistant TL. I didn’t mind since I was too lazy for additional responsibilities anyway.

_“Sir Stell! Senpai! Senpai!”_ I would tease him, particularly whenever he returned to his desk after a meeting, carrying a shit ton of modules. He smirked every time I called him that, which looked really cute, so I’d annoy him some more. _“Notice me, Senpai! Naging officer lang, nagkalimutan na?”_

_“Parang tanga to, busy lang eh. Gala na lang tayo after shift.”_ He said, as he gestured a hand at me, dismissing me.

I soon became accustomed to his new busy lifestyle. We’d seldom get to spend lunch together and have lesser coffee breaks, but we’d still hang out after work and walk each other home. One time, he extended work for four hours and I waited for him. It was raining hard that night, and I was just sitting beside his workstation, immersed on a movie. He removed my earphones to tell me he was done. 

He kept apologizing for making me wait and staying up at the office so late, when the truth was it had been me that offered to do so. I had nothing to do in my apartment anyway, something which I shouldn’t have brought up since he would once again nag me about getting a girlfriend whom I could allot my extra time for and blah blah blah.

_“Grabe, sawa ka na ba sa akin tol?”_ I would say.

_“Tanga. Alam mo, okay din naman may jowa eh. May nagsi-seek ng attention mo, may nagre-remind kumain.”_

_“Wala akong panahon diyan tol.”_

_“Anong wala? San ka busy? Project mo nga hindi mo inaatupag. Dapat sabay tayong mapo-promote oh.”_

_“Basta. Saka meron naman akong gustong tao eh. Ayaw nga lang sakin”_

I watched as Stell’s eyes grow wide in surprise and quickly twisted his swivel chair to face me, his face lighting up with this fresh information. I swallowed heavily as my heart hammered inside my chest, I could almost hear it. I looked down and started to fiddle, trying to think of a non-stupid way to get out of this mess.

_“Weh? Binusted ka tol? Sino yan? Kailan pa? Ba’t di mo nakukwento sakin yan?”_

_“Ang totoo nyan, hindi pa nga niya alam eh”_

_“Bobs to, eh di sabihin mo. Pano mo nalaman na ayaw sa’yo? Weak haha!”_

_“Alam ko lang. Hayaan mo na yun. Huwag na natin pag-usapan”_

My voice trailed off until I stopped talking to let him know I wasn’t willing to drag such conversation on and he’d get the signal. I stood up and arranged my stuff inside my bag as he fixed his.

Two years ago, I stopped wanting for more, settling for whatever I could withstand. I had kept my mouth shut and my feelings buried deep into my core as long as I could keep him close like this. I was able to live through it for two years; another year or two, even three, wouldn’t kill me. 

When we stepped out of the building that night, the pavement was wet and had a reflective sheen, while the roofs were dripping with rain water. We had to run in case it poured again. I had a small umbrella with me, but he didn’t. He only had his favorite rainproof jacket on. 

We were about three blocks away from my apartment when it started drizzling. I opened my umbrella as he pulled his hoodie over his head. Our steps quickened. The drizzles came in huge droplets before completely spiraling into another deluge. My eyes combed through the residential street for any possible shelter, but there was none. 

_“Stell!”_ I yelled through the storm; my voice helplessly muted in the rain. He turned to me as he shook off the beads of water clinging on clumps of his hair. Our socks were already soaked, murky waters filling up the insides of our shoes. He smiled at me through the hazy canvass, and I smiled back. I yanked his arm towards me, pulling him close. The cold strings of rain were replaced by a sudden warmth as he placed his hand over mine that held the umbrella, gripping it tightly.

_“Takbo na Pau!”_ He shouted in the midst of thunders that shook my bones.

We raced through the storm, shoes marching along the alleyway flooded with puddles. He was still holding my hand as we tried to settle ourselves within what little protection my umbrella could offer. Reaching my apartment first, I shoved my umbrella into his hands, convincing him to take it home. I kept an eye on him as he left and disappeared into the corner of the street.

///

Two days after that stormy night, I was down with fever. I still reported to work the day before but was already feeling unwell. Stell walked me home last night, scolding and compelling me to take a sick leave so I could rest. And so, I did. My head felt as though it was splitting in half and my muscles sore, my throat ached even by just drinking water. 

I slept out most of the day and woke up only to find darkness had already blanketed the room. It was almost evening, and I forgot that there was someone knocking on my door. 

I scuffled to get up from the bed, the mattress burned in the heat from where I laid down the whole day. I twisted the knob and the door swung open, Stell bursting inside wearing a semi-wet jacket and an umbrella on one hand. It was raining again. He closed the door, leaving his things behind it, only bringing out an extra shirt and went straight to the bathroom without much of a word. 

When he came out, he had already changed his clothes, his hair was still damp. He went over to the bed where I sat and placed his hand over my forehead. 

_"Mainit ka pa rin. Inumin mo muna tong binili kong paracetamol."_ He said. 

Maybe I didn't pay much attention before but his hair looked so much longer now. The strands looked so delicate as they kept on falling across his eyes, and he would brush it up using his fingers. I looked away with bright pink cheeks.

He stood and knelt down beside the bed, scouring through his backpack and taking out a small paper bag. He emptied its contents onto the tiled floor. He cleared the small mess up when he found the medicine and walked his way to the kitchen, coming back out with a glass of water, the small tablet already torn from its shell. I took both immediately and lied back down the bed.

_"Bakit ka pa nagpunta dito? Baka ikaw naman ang magkasakit nyan, lakas na naman ng ulan."_ I said.

_"Strong ako no. Pareho tayong naulanan kita mo, ikaw lang nilagnat. Saka hindi ka kasi nagrereply sa mga text ko, eh kung may nangyari na sayo? Mag-isa ka pa naman dito."_

There was softness in his voice, although he tried to conceal it under a smirk. My heart started to thump, so I held my breath to keep my rhythm. I silently wished he was doing this because he felt the same way about me. I shook the thought away even before I started succumbing to my whims. Because they're nothing more than just that.

_"Sorry, tulog na tulog kasi ako buong araw eh."_

_"Okay lang. Pahinga ka lang dyan. Binilhan kita ng nilagang baboy sa canteen kanina saka kanin na rin. Initin ko lang to."_

He went to the kitchen again, rummaging through the cupboard for the cooking pots, as though he owned my place. A part of me melted as I watched him re-heat the meal that he bought for me. He cared about me, but how I wished he saw me differently, the way he saw all those women he liked back then. My chest hurt. _Wasn't I enough? Why couldn't I be enough?_ The searing pain slowly cut through my chest, bit by bit, collapsing the walls I struggled to build two years ago. 

I sunk my teeth against my bottom lip, hoping these foolish ideas would stop popping out at the wrong time. I quickly wiped a small tear shaping at the corner of my eye. _Not now, Pau, please._

Stell came back holding a bowl of hot soup where he soaked half of the rice into. _"Kain na Pau."_

He scooped a spoonful of the warm food and looked at me, his hand hanging in the air, seemingly waiting for me to open my mouth. Heat crept through my cheeks as I grabbed the spoon and bowl from his hands.

_"Ako na. Kaya ko namang kumain."_

_"Sige. Ligpitin ko lang yung nasa sink mo."_

I ate quietly but quickly, suddenly realizing I hadn't eaten lunch and was in fact, starving. I finished the bowl off with an audible slurp. I set the utensils on the bedside table.

He came back from the kitchen and placed a stool beside my bed, straddling against the backrest of the chair, he watched me closely. There was stillness for a few minutes, making me fidget on my blanket. Finally, he spoke up, telling me he would be staying the night over so he could keep an eye on me. 

I frowned. 

_"No, no. Hindi mo kailangan gawin yun. I'll be okay. Magpatila ka muna ng ulan, tapos umuwi ka na."_

_"Nako, mahirap na Pau, wala kang kasama. Paano kung magka-emergency ka? Mabuti na yung may bantay ka."_

_"Stell, ayos nga lang ako sabi."_

_"Pau, wag nga matigas ulo. Nagtext na ko sa Mama ko."_

_"Ano ba Stell?! Ang kulit mo naman eh!"_

It wasn't meant to come off that way, but I was crashing down in the anxiety growing up in my system. I clenched my fist, trying my hardest to keep still and hopefully seal my mouth shut. But my heart was ruthlessly thrashing against my chest, making it harder to breathe. My head started to pulse. 

I knew the wall was about to be destroyed completely as I tried to hold on just a little bit longer with whatever remaining strength I could gather. _Don't go there Pau! Please don't!_ A small voice in my head cried out.

_"Hoy Pau! Bakit ka nang-aaway? Parang tanga to. Ikaw na nga tong inaalala eh!"_

I glared at Stell, gritting my teeth, my knuckles turning white as my fingernails dug deep into my palms. I could feel the corners of my eyes heating up. My vision was already a blur, and my hands were sadly not fast enough to smear off the tears that began trickling down my face. My lower lip quivered as I struggled to let the words out.

_"'Wag mo akong alalahanin. Wag mo kong alagaan. Utang..utang na loob, n-nahihirapan ako."_

I lowered my head and buried it between my knees, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to flush out the tears that wouldn't seem to end. The wall had finally been broken down, I failed to hold it up. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It crumpled to dust and smoke, disintegrating together with the broken fragments of me. I let my guard down and now I was powerless.

_"Ano ba Pau? Ano bang nangyayari sayo?"_ He said as he shook my shoulder gently and I slapped it away. I lifted my head up, my eyes red and swollen, glaring at him, trying to burn him in my gaze.

_"Gusto kita Stell! Ang tagal na. Ang tagal tagal na."_

I choked the words out. The swarm of little stings in my chest opened up, tearing everything apart. I buried my face in my hands, not knowing what to do nor to say next. What would happen after this? It would be over, wouldn't it? He would hate me, he wouldn't want to sit next to me, he wouldn't stand the sight of me. All those things we'd built up over the last three years would shatter just like the wall that I destroyed on my own.

Neither of us spoke for a long while. It was dead quiet, calm but treacherous. I hoped I was just trapped in someone else's bad dream. I wanted him to speak up, say something! Anything! But at the same time, I dreaded it. I didn't wish to hear it. I didn't want us to end, not like this.

Finally, he cleared his throat. 

_"P-Pau.."_ He started, his voice floated, broken in the wind. _"I'm sorry."_

I gazed back up, found him sitting on the floor, his chin resting on his hands above his knees. I looked away. 

_"Huwag kang mag-sorry. Wala ka namang alam."_

Another few minutes of silence fell between us, probably both being cautious, still trying to salvage whatever we have left, if there's anything at all.

_"Pau, maybe..maybe we can just forget about it? What you said? Wala kang sinabi. Wala akong narinig. Walang kailangang magbago..diba?"_

I kept silent. My tears had since stopped from falling, leaving a dried trail on my cheeks. My eyes roamed around my small room, I looked at everything else except him. I felt more exhausted and weaker than ever.

_"Okay."_ I said softly, but audible enough to let him hear. I saw him nod slowly from my peripheral vision. 

I stretched out my legs and covered them with my blanket, turning to the opposite side of the bed, away from him. 

_"Paki-lock na lang yung pintuan pag-alis mo."_

I heard no answer. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

///

I couldn't recall how long I slept that night but I remember suddenly feeling a warm hand over my forehead, then on my neck. I didn't move. I didn't open my eyes. I kept them shut, I didn't even breathe. I only heard gentle footsteps and the sound of a door closing after that.

I unlocked my phone, it was 5 AM. I turned to the opposite side and saw the brown paper bag containing the medicines he bought the day before, on top of my bedside table. A single tear escaped from my eye as I closed it once again.

/// 

I recalled that night like it happened not too long ago. We tried to get back at the things we usually do, just like he said. I still waited for him at the pantry for lunch and coffee breaks. We still hung out after work and walked home together. We tried. But it wasn't the same as before. 

I would try to tease him and call him _"Senpai"_ again but he just looked genuinely annoyed. 

There would be more awkward silence than the conversations. He would accept additional works to keep him even more preoccupied so he rendered overtime more and more frequently. He wouldn't want me waiting around for him any longer. There were less _“Hi”s_ and _“Hellos”._

Somehow, I knew it was bound to happen and it was beyond my control. Eventually, I just learned to accept the fact that my feelings would never be reciprocated, much less maintain a friendship. I guess I was back to where I started, liking him from a distance.

However, during the last team reshuffle, he picked my name from the lot and I was assigned as his Assistant TL. We had no choice but to spend more time again together, along with four other teammates. We had team meetings, team dinners and team movies occasionally, and the situation felt comforting in some way.

He seemed to soften up. He started smiling at me again whenever he greeted me in the mornings and I would hand over pieces of Langka-Ube to everyone in the team, always giving him an extra piece. 

Eventually, my project presentation was transferred over to him for mentoring when the previous one quit the job, giving us more time to work, just the two of us. 

He gradually appeared to be more relaxed in my company again, knowing the trust and the authentic bond we shared before still existed somehow. He trusted me that I respected him as a friend, and as my boss, and that was what mattered the most at this point. 

_Sigh._

I tossed and turned in my bed, and my big toe hit the corner of my laptop, snapping me out of that long and winding reverie. I bolted out of the bed and fumbled for my phone to check the time. It was already 11 PM. I smacked my forehead. _Geez. Napuyat na naman ako ng wala akong nagawa._

Oh well, there’s still tomorrow anyway. I shrugged, as I shoved the laptop back into my bag and prepared to sleep, wishfully thinking tomorrow’s a better day for Stell and for everyone.


	4. COCO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry took me long enough to update, still dissatisfied about how this chapter came out but there you go! Uhh, enjoy? I guess hehe.

STELL POV

_"Table for three, please?"_ I asked the lady server patiently waiting by the entrance of _Big Oli_ and she nodded in response, motioning me to come inside and follow her lead. She assigned me to the table at the side corner, where cinema #7 could be seen from the tall glass partition. She briefly left and came back with a tray of hot buttered garlic toast. 

I was munching on some bread when finally, my younger cousin Justin came in, together with another man I wasn't familiar with. _Jah_ , as I fondly call him, is three years younger than me and we worked at the same company. Currently, he is assigned at the HR Department as Recruitment Specialist. 

As soon as Justin came in, eyes were already on him. He was always that good-looking cousin who our aunts adored and claimed to be the future heartbreaker. Well, it ran in the genes, I should say.

He texted me this morning, inviting me over for lunch together with his girlfriend that he would like me to meet. Bragging that he just got a raise and would love to treat his _patay-gutom_ Kuya to lunch, I sneered at his joke and didn't dare decline. After all, we haven't seen each other in over a month due to my hectic and shifting work schedule. 

_"Kuya Stell!"_ he called out, waving a hand at me while beaming in his adorable gummy smile. 

_"Jah!"_ I exclaimed. He came up and gave me a quick, tight hug as though we haven't seen in years. 

Before we took our seats at the opposite sides of the table, Justin glimpsed at the man beside him and they exchanged timid smiles. Turning to me, my cousin introduced the other man as Josh, his boyfriend. I must have flinched for a fraction of a second out of shock but regained my composure quickly; I hoped Josh didn’t notice that. 

I extended my hands to shake his. He was looking all friendly and was smiling from ear to ear as he said _"Nice to meet you Kuya Stell."_

Justin gently tapped him on the shoulder and grinned, waving a finger at him.

_"Nice to meet you too, Josh. I'm guessing we're of the same age so drop the Kuya na please."_ I said to Josh, earning a subtle blush from the other guy.

_"Actually Kuya Stell, two years older si Josh sa 'yo."_ Justin smirked and I was a bit surprised since the man looked quite young for his age, not to mention the difference in their heights which I found cute. Finally, we took our respective seats and ordered our meals. 

I noticed Justin was intently watching me while we were eating, making me uncomfortable. 

_"So...Kuya Stell?"_ He suddenly asked in muffled noise as he tried stuffing in a quarter of a pizza and a potato ball into his mouth at the same time. With his adorably inflated cheeks, he turned to face Josh, proceeding to chew while making these mushy sounds and cute, stupid faces that made his already tiny eyes squint further.

The boyfriend, of course, found it too precious to neglect and felt the need to squeeze Justin's cheeks while cooing like a silly babysitter to his toddler. I cleared my throat and they acknowledged my presence by stopping whatever discomfiting stuff they were performing in front of my meal.

_"Jah, you were saying?"_ I asked, hoping I could finally eat in peace as I tried to fork a chicken fillet that had since gone cold. I quickly shoved it down my throat before I lose my appetite while keeping an eye at these two being all touchy and coy with each other.

_"Ah yes. Hmm..."_ He started and shortly dwindled off, suddenly becoming reluctant which really didn't last long. _"Nagulat ka ba kay Josh? I mean, you know."_ He asked with uncertainty, probably gauging whether I found the subject rather... inconvenient. Meanwhile, Josh tossed a glance at him, and then at me, upon the mention of his name. 

I smiled, feeling a little cramped at the situation I suddenly found myself in. There was no denying I was surprised, or bewildered to make it more appropriate. When I received Justin's text message this morning, it said _"Papakilala ko sayo jowa ko."_ and without question, I assumed it was a girl, a girlfriend, since he never showed any signs of attraction towards the same sex. At least that was how I perceived it to be. 

When he arrived with Josh, I was tempted to ask where the girl was. I guess it was a good thing that I've had a handful of similar ill-fated experiences in the past where me and my blunt mouth got me in hot water so I opted to keep mum and thought best to wait and let him explain, and I was right. My radar was proving to be more and more reliable these days, throwing me off balance.

I smiled awkwardly at Justin. _"Hmm, medyo."_ Then I quickly turned to Josh and placed my palms together apologetically, attempting to ward off whatever tension it may possibly present. _"Please, I don't mean to offend."_

Josh smiled back at me without any trace of resentment whatsoever. _"Don't worry about it."_ He said, his eyes curved into a smile the way his lips did, radiating innocence and somehow lightening up my unease. 

We finished our meal quickly and spent another half an hour catching up and hanging out at _Time Zone_ , with Josh chiming in and surprisingly, fitting perfectly in like we had been acquainted before, and I found myself laughing at his jokes.

There was a sense of relief having to spend some extra time out of the office, not worrying about deadlines and such. 

Being an officer had taken its toll on me, I suppose; drowning in overlapping responsibilities every day. It's a tedious cycle; reporting to work early, finishing work late, going home and plopping onto my bed all spent and wasted, most of the time skipping dinner. I just felt exhausted to the bones.

_Relax 'tol. Gala tayo sa off mo, libre kita._ Pau would always tell me that whenever he saw me worn out, he would even give me some back massages or scratch my scalp from time to time. I hadn't realized the abrupt shift in my mood when I heard his voice in my head. I smiled bitterly.

_"Kuya Stell..."_ Justin called in a low voice, interrupting my musing. He elbowed me softly in the forearm when I didn't pay attention right away. I turned to him and he pointed at something through his pursed lips; or someone rather. _"’Diba yun yung nililigawan mo?"_

I followed his gaze and true enough, my sight caught Euna, who was just about to come out of _Denny’s_. I was wondering what she was doing out here alone, not until I caught a glimpse of a man trailing behind her and putting an arm around her waist when he caught up with her pace. They exchanged smiles as they walked away.

_"Ah. Oo."_ I answered Justin flatly.

_"Ohh...mukhang sweet sila nung kasama nya. Binusted ka na ba nya Kuya Stell?"_ He asked again, rather boldly. Sometimes I wished I could smack Justin on the head like I used to when we were younger. Instead, I sighed, knowing he wouldn't stop blabbering about it until I gave him the answer he wanted.

_"Yes, two days ago. Now I get it. Si Ken naman pala ang gusto."_ I shrugged my shoulders and glanced at my watch. We needed to start heading back to the office.

While on our way back, Justin kept trying to console me and as much as I would like to appreciate his concern, it wasn't what I needed at this point. 

_"Kuya."_ he called out again and I slowed down on my tracks so he and Josh could keep up. _"Okay na ba kayo ulit ni Kuya Pau?"_

His question caught me flat-footed and for the second time, I wanted to smack Justin out of his wits, but we were not kids anymore. Being the only person whom I've confided to during those confusing times, I'd already anticipated he would ask me about Pau sooner or later. 

_"Hmm? Okay naman kami. He's my ATL remember?"_ I answered as casually as I could. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to talk about it right now, not when we're in a hurry.

Josh's voice was faint but I clearly heard him timidly ask Justin who Pau was and as though we were not scurrying back to the office, Justin had the gall to declare that Pau was the _"ex-best friend"_ whom Kuya Stell rejected after confessing his feelings to him. I felt the searing heat that crept into my cheeks.

_"Ikaw Jah, ang tsismoso mo."_

_"Sinasagot ko lang naman tanong ni Josh Kuya. Totoo naman eh."_

_"Ewan. Mapatid ka sana."_

I hastened my pace, brisk-walking along the connecting bridge between _Trinoma_ and _Vertis North_. We barely had fifteen minutes left before lunch break was over. I could feel my nape getting moist with sweat and it wasn’t even that hot today.

_“Kuya Stell ang bilis bilis naman maglakad eh!”_

_“Malamang! Baka ma-overbreak tayo eh.”_

_“Officer ka naman eh, wala namang maninita sayo.”_

And he was right. It wasn’t like anyone would actually question why I went over-break, but more likely concerned about where the conversation was headed to, at this rate. Two years later and I still didn’t know how to lay a hand on that subject except dodge it before it hit me.

We reached the ground and briskly crossed the street, slowing my steps down until Justin and Josh kept up with me. A few meters before we reached the entrance to the office lobby, I heard a familiar raspy voice calling out to Justin. I lifted my head up and Justin was already running past me, headed towards the owner of the voice.

_“Kuya Pau! Kamusta?”_ He cried out elatedly, locking Pau inside a tight embrace.

Josh was trailing behind them and he must have been introduced to Pau as well as I watched them grasp each other’s’ hands in a snug shake. Pau’s face lit up with recognition, displaying a smile that went up to his squinting eyes, all the brackets in his braces showing. His one hand held a to-go cup of Iced Caffe Americano, his favorite. I shook my head. _Mahihirapan na naman matulog ‘tong pasaway na ‘to._

Pau’s laugh was infectious, looking like a kid skipping in enthusiasm with the little pep talk he’s having with his new found friend. It had been a while since I last heard him laugh like this. I found myself smiling a bit, not until he took notice of my presence dawdling behind Justin, shoes uneasily sweeping the dirt in the pavement. There was a weird thud in my chest when he smiled at me, heat slithering to the tips of my ears. 

Was it due to the fact that we were just talking about him and I felt as though I was caught red-handed? Yeah, that must be it. I looked away.

_“Sige Jah, akyat na ako. Nice seeing you again! Nice meeting you Josh, dre.”_ Pau bade goodbye to the both of them, briefly throwing a glance at me with a dutiful nod before disappearing inside the lobby.

_“I missed you Kuya Pau! Ingat!”_

Justin quickly turned to me and paused animatedly as something in my face seemed to catch his fancy before bursting out into a fit of laughter. Josh giggled alongside Jah with a reserved look of amusement in his eyes.

_“Hoy, anong nakakatawa?”_ I demanded.

_“Kuya Stell, ang pula pula ng tenga mo! Kinilig ka sa smile? Kita ko yon! ‘Kala mo ah!”_ He teased, struggling to wipe the smirk off his face. I held my right ear; it was warm and I didn’t even need a mirror to know how red it must have looked right now.

_“No. Shut up Jah!”_

He went up to me, mumbling something under his breath which sounded similar to _“hay naku”_ but I wasn’t too sure. He slung his arm on my shoulder, mellowing his voice down into a more somber tone.

_“Kuya, seriously, try mong bigyan kasi ng chance si Kuya Pau.”_

I felt another wash of heat, creeping up all over my face this time. 

_“Jah!”_ I half-yelled, feeling embarrassed.

_“What? Ang bait bait ni Kuya Pau, sobrang sweet pa. Tapos kahit ilang beses mo na syang na-hurt, love na love ka pa rin. Wawa naman Kuya Pau.”_ He said nonstop, pouting his lip at his last statement.

I suddenly felt defensive at the allegation. _“What do you mean ilang beses kong sinaktan? Once ko lang naman sya na-reject ah.”_

_“Bakit, dun lang ba sya na-hurt? Akala mo hindi nasasaktan yun pag kung sinu-sino dini-date mong babae? Papakilala mo sa kanya, isasama mo pa minsan sa gala nyo. Bad ka!.”_

I wanted to open my mouth to throw another defense but I couldn’t, struggling to suck up Justin’s every word in. Was that true? Had I been that egotistical? Did I categorically fail to see things from Pau’s perspective? Had I really been that mean to him all this time?

_“Hindi ko naman alam na may gusto na siya sa akin noon.”_ I looked down, not knowing where to fix my gaze at so I ended up fidgeting on the tip of my necktie.

Justin smiled, patting me on the shoulder. _“Well, as I see it Kuya Stell, it’s not yet too late. Mukha namang gusto ka pa ni Kuya Pau.”_

I sighed, smirking at Justin. He made everything sound so simple like _you want it? Go get it!_ but I wished things really worked that way.

_“Ewan ko. Ang tagal na noon. Saka, hindi pa rin naman pwede Jah. Alam mo naman kung bakit.”_ I said, feeling a bit surprised at the sound of my own voice.

_“Bakit nga ba? Kasi hindi kayo talo? Dahil pareho kayong lalaki?”_ He said rather nonchalantly, placing both his hands against his hips.

I stopped fidgeting, and stood there motionless for a good minute. I lifted my head and looked Justin in the eyes, trying to deliver a silent message – what it was about, I wasn’t sure either. He frowned.

_“Kuya Stell, just in case hindi ka aware, 2020 na. Ruler na lang ang straight.”_

For the umpteenth time, heat welled up my entire face. How could he so boldly say these things in broad daylight?

_“Alam mo Kuya, you think too much. Tignan mo na lang kami ni Josh, masaya kami 'cause we don’t give a fuck about people. Life’s too short you know. YOLO!”_ He shrugged, lacing his arm once again over my shoulder, giving me an encouraging smile. He wasn’t lying when he said he was happy, his eyes said it all. Sana all masaya was all I could think of.

_“I don’t know if I can. Bago sa akin ‘to.”_ I admitted warily, letting out a deep, frustrated puff of air.

Justin squeezed my shoulder tight. _“You’ll figure it out Kuya. Just remember, nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Anyway, tara na. Over-overbreak na pala kami hehehe.”_

He yanked my wrist as we went inside the lobby, only to dash and squeeze ourselves into an almost-full elevator, realizing we were already twenty minutes late.

///

_"Senpai."_

A message from Pau popped up on my monitor. I creased my brows. There was no other message aside from it. I quickly tossed a glance to his direction, he looked busy though. Should I respond to this? Was this even relevant? Was this even work related? I waited some more.

_"Pwedeng pa-approve ng VL ko? ( ◜‿◝ ) <3"_

A second message popped up and seeing the cute emoji shifted the corner of my mouth into a suppressed smile, but I quickly brushed it off.

I messaged back after a minute of dawdling whether or not I should reply with a smiley. I decided not to. _"Sige, hold on."_

After a quick scan on all of the pending leave requests, I clicked on his entry, my brows curling in the middle as I recognized the dates. _Hmm._ February 13 to 17? Five days. I wondered what he'd be doing during those five days. And what were the odds of him taking a leave during the same dates as mine? Except that I would be on leave for two weeks.

_"Gagala ka Pau?"_ I asked from my seat, still looking at my monitor. 

_"Yes, Senpai!"_ He answered with a lace of thrill in his voice that made me look at him quick, only to be greeted by his smile. He seemed quite excited about his trip that made me want to probe more, totally forgetting it should be none of my concern.

_"Ah. Saan punta?"_

_"Uhm..diyan diyan lang, sa gedli."_

I felt disappointed for a bit before mentally scolding myself for prying into his business more than what was necessary. Without any further word, I approved all of his leaves. 

_"Okay na Pau."_

_"Salamat. Oo nga pala, nag request ako ng bagong mouse for you. Bukas na lang daw irerelease ni Ma’am K."_ He said, smirking at me knowingly and I blushed, recalling how I vented all my exasperations to my poor mouse last time, almost destroying it. I didn't even think he noticed. 

_"Ah, sige. Thank you. Uuwi ka na ba?"_ I said, asking the obvious as he stood up and strapped his bag on.

_"Yup. Una na ko. Ingat ka pauwi."_ He said, walking behind my chair, gently tapping on my back. I bit my lip, slightly panicking. I had been thinking about this for the past hour. _Bahala na nga_.

_"Pau!"_ I called out quick and he halted on his tracks, tracing a few steps back to my desk and stood beside my chair with a confused look. I suddenly felt a lump in my throat.

_“Yow?”_ He asked after I was caught spacing out for a few seconds. 

_"Ah ano...gusto mong mag-Coco?"_

_"Ha?"_

_"Gusto mo ba mag-Coco? Yung milk tea."_

_"Ah. Coco. Milktea. Bakit?"_

_"Wala lang. Nag ccrave lang ako. Pero kung nagmamadali ka umuwi, sige, una ka na. Sorry. Pasensya na sa abala, baka lang kako gust-"_

_"Sige tara.”_

_“Ha?”_

_“Sabi ko sige, tara. Tapos ka na ba? Do you need me to wait?”_

_"Ah. Malapit na. May isesend lang akong email saglit tapos alis na tayo. Mga 10 minutes?"_

He nodded before pulling out the swivel chair right next to me. He plopped his backpack on the desk, took out his phone and placed his earphones on either of his ears. He started humming to his playlist in no time. 

Seeing Pau beside me, preoccupied with either his music or his movies, waiting for me until I finished my errands brought back that familiar warmth in my chest I thought I no longer needed. I let out a deep breath only to take another one as I drank in the sudden gush of relief and happiness in my system, knowing this was how it should have always been.


	5. STELL'S NIGHTMARE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before scrolling down, please take note of the following possible triggers:  
> Implied past abuse, explicit language/swearing/ w/ attached image that may trigger fear/trauma. Proceed with caution.

**STELL POV**

>   
>  _"Good day Mr. Stellvester Ajero!_
> 
> _This is to confirm the receipt of your e-mail dated February 10th, regarding our **Bolinao 2020 Special Valentine's Weekend Tour Package.**_
> 
> _We understand that you are no longer availing the Couple's tour package due to personal reasons, and that you prefer to avail the Single's tour package instead. This is duly noted. In view of this, may we kindly ask you to read the guidelines below for your reference."_

_Blah...blah...blah_...

I blinked twice, pressing my eyes shut in between. They felt a little strained, probably since I had been re-reading the email from the travel agency for the third time, making sure I didn't miss out on anything. It was a long-ass email which I got two days ago. I hastily skimmed through and eventually disregarded it, after seeing how goddamn wordy it was. 

I removed my eyeglasses, cleaning the lenses off with a mini microfiber cloth and continued reading, jumping only at those lines I deemed relevant. 

>   
>  _"Is a 3 days & 2 nights tour which includes..."_
> 
> _"Roundtrip Van transfers from Manila-Bolinao-Manila..."_
> 
> _"Meeting time at 1 AM, February 14th, Friday at Mc Donalds Mindanao avenue"_
> 
> _"Program was especially designed for couples and singles across all sexual orientations..."_
> 
> _"Total of twelve passengers...three married pairs, 1 couple..."_
> 
> _"Two pairs of singles who already consented to pairing"_
> 
> _"One remaining male joiner..."_
> 
> _"The pairing to seat together...share the same room...the entire duration of the tour"_

_Etcetera, etcetera._

  
I closed my laptop and reclined my legs, wincing at the swift surge of blood in my veins as I did so. Sigh. So if I got everything clear, then this only meant that I was the ' _lucky_ ' guest to be paired to the " _one remaining male joiner_ " since I was the last one to confirm the reservation. While it wasn't stated whether or not he was straight, there's a good chance that he's gay, because it would defeat the purpose of the program otherwise. _Great_! I swooped backwards onto the cushion with a stifled groan.

I stared at the small bulb in the center of the ceiling, fighting off the urge to let my brain drift off to somewhere again; but I lost my will and began to wonder how this gay man person looked like. Is he gonna be big? Bulky? Like those buff, fully-bearded men at the gyms? Is he effeminate, dressed up and all made up like a lady? Would he look just like me? Or would he look like a kind Sixth Grade teacher who...

Whatever category of gay he falls under, I'm a lot older now, and stronger. I am no longer thirteen, no longer helpless. I clenched my fists against the bedsheet, a little too tight that my knuckles turned white. I shook my head, attempting to get rid of the ugly memory.

Not only did I feel the cramps at hand, I feel an imminent migraine as well. I stroked two fingers on either side of my throbbing temples. Why the heck did I decide to move on with this tour again? _Ugh_. Closing my eyes, I nipped at the bridge of my nose. Pau said it eases migraines.

I couldn't recall what went inside my head then but Last Monday, I reached out to the agency via e-mail, telling them I was pushing through with my slot, cancelling the couple's package and availing the single's package instead. I did it without much thought, to be honest.

Was it because I was pissed seeing Euna going out with Ken? Or the distress over watching my hard-earned money pour down the drain? Or just because I was in a hurry for that Coco Milk Tea _best bro-date_ with Pau? Or because I was just so sick and tired of my work and all I could think of was to just float in the middle of nowhere, whenever, wherever? All of the above, it seemed; but these wouldn't change the fact that it was some spur-of-the-moment choice.

Do I regret this though? Bailing out of this spiteful life in the city, where employers milk you until you're all consumed, and girls junk you 'cause you don't have that tanned skin and golden hair, and your name's not Ken. _No_ , I would not regret this. 

I whirled to the other side of my bed where my office bag lay and scoured through the mess, successfully digging up a small _Papemelroti_ notebook and a pen clipped on half of the pad. I flipped through the pages and rested on the last one which was neatly folded into a quarter lengthwise. It read: _**Team Reminders**,_ scribbled in bright red ink with a little to no attempt at calligraphy.

As far as I could recall, I made a checklist for everything to ensure I was leaving my team in good hands. I was pretty confident the items had already been, well, checked but the O.C. side of my brain nudged me to re-check for the fifth time. 

_1\. Distribution of members - checked._  
_2\. Pending leave requests - checked._  
_3\. Attendance File - checked._  
_4\. Sub-TL coordinations - checked._

CHECKED. CHECKED. CHECKED. 

I closed the notebook before tossing it back inside the pile of dump that was my bag.

Reluctantly rolling over to the opposite side, I went up and knelt beside the bag I was bringing with me to Bolinao; I prepared four pairs of shirts, shorts, boxers, a couple of pyjamas and board shorts, snorkeling gear, a bag-full of skincare, gadgets, first-aid kit, a book, monopod, waterproof bags and tons of chips. This wasn't exactly how a "pack-light" travel bag looked like but I couldn't bring myself to care. I decided I was all set for tonight's departure after another round of checklisting.

Once again, I plopped down the bed, kicking off my travel bag to the side and letting a huge yawn escape from my throat. Eyeing the clock on the wall, I coiled in my favorite side of the bed after setting up the alarm at exactly 12 midnight. It was 8:50 PM at this time, meaning I still have more or less three and a half hours left for a nap. 

The meeting place was set at McDonald's along Mindanao avenue, probably about 20 minutes walk from home. No biggie. I fixed my pillow and wrapped myself inside the blanket, shamelessly dozing off in less than a minute.

* * *

**12:40 A.M.**

_**Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus Lane.** _

_**Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pullin' on the reins.** _

  
_Butterflies. Lanterns. Christmas lights._  
_Blue chair. Red eyes. Wet pants. Sweat._

  
_**Bells are ringin', children singin', all is merry and bright.** _

_**So hang your stockings and say your prayers 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight.** _

  
_The Christmas Carol was blasting on the speakers of the huge stereo from the opposite side of the room. I could hear nothing else but the song. Nobody could hear us. **No!**_

  
_**Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus Lane.** _

_**He's got a bag that's filled with toys for boys and girls again.** _

  
_I opened my eyes. **“Here comes Santa.”** He said. But he had no red suit. He had no white beard nor a bag full of goodies. He was humming through crooked, yellowish teeth, he was smiling. Santa_ _was closing in. **No!**_

  
_**Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle, oh what a beautiful sight.** _

_**So jump in bed, and cover your head, 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight.** _

  
_"Don't be silly. This wouldn't hurt."_ He said. _"This wouldn't take long."_ He said.  
_"Don't be scared, child. I'll take care of you."_ He said.

_I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. Santa was closing in. **No!**_

  
_**Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus Lane.** _

_**He'll come around when chimes ring out, it's Christmas time again.** _

  
_"No Sir! Stop! Stop!"_

_**"STOP! TANGINA!"** _

  
I doubled on the couch with a startle, feeling the burn in my throat caused by my screaming until there was none coming out. I looked around, seeing nothing other than darkness and a few silhouettes drawn by the faint light of the moon outside the window.

_Putangina_. I clutched a hand on my chest, I could feel my heartbeat hoisting against my ribs. It wanted to run. It was a wild animal captured and flailing to escape. I clutched another hand, gaped my mouth wide open, struggling for breath. The veins in my hands were a chaos of blue and teal, trembling beneath my paling skin. _Putangina_.

I needed air. I opened my mouth wider, couldn't it be any more parched? There was a huge lump wedged in the middle of my throat and I was gagging. I needed to throw up. _Putangina_. My face was on fire. It was hot, like boiling water that seared my palms when I caressed it; and it was wet. I tasted salty liquid cascading from my eyes down to my cheeks, dying on my quivering lips. _Putangina, stop._

I pressed my knees onto my chest, trying to breathe through my mouth slowly, counting one to ten, or to twenty, or to a hundred. _Putangina_ , I don't care. I hugged my knees tight and rested my head in between. I let salty tears wet my pyjama bottoms until it seeped in through the fabric, soaking my skin underneath. _Stop. Please stop. When will all these stop..._

I stayed in a fetal position for a while, until my sight caught the time. It was already 12:45 A.M. I should be getting ready now. I listened to my body. The tremors had died down. My fingers were no longer shaking, my heartbeat had calmed. I wiped at the sticky trail of tears from my cheeks using the back of my hand and weakly rose from the bed, carefully gripping at the drawer beside my bed for support. When I felt certain I could stand up straight, I let go of my grip and marched towards the bathroom.

* * *

**PAU POV**

_"Ma'ams, Sirs, you can go inside the van na po. I'll wait for our last passenger lang. I already contacted him and he'll be here in five minutes. Yung mga assigned partners po, make sure you sit together."_

Kuya Mark, our tour guide calmly explained to the ten other passengers who didn't seem quite pleased. The last joiner was late for the call time of 1 AM. It was already 1:20 AM and everyone had been waiting outside of McDonald's for the past hour, including me. I never liked waiting, more so making others wait. 

Kuya Mark turned to me and asked if I liked to wait inside the shuttle instead, to which I politely refused. 

_"Six to seven hours naman yung travel time Kuya Mark diba? Masakit sa likod yun. I'll wait here outside na muna rin."_ I told him, nodding at me as he sipped from his warm cup of coffee. The steam clouded the lenses of his eyeglasses. He kept glancing at his watch every now and then, giving me the impression of how meticulous he is with punctuality.

I busied myself with people-watching, amused at the fact that even during at this hour, the streets were still brimming with circles of teenage boys, couples, groups of adults who were still in their uniforms. 

I yawned immodestly, letting my lungs drown with its much needed air. I wasn't able to take a proper nap, probably due to so much excitement. It's been a few years since I last went to the beach. That was during a family reunion where I tagged Stell along. I pouted. I wouldn't be able to see him for five days. I hope he doesn't miss me too much. I laughed internally at my own joke.

Suddenly, a tricycle stopped by just in front of our shuttle, killing the roaring engine as a man stepped out, his back towards us. He struggled with his two huge bags while fumbling for payment through the pockets of his skinny jeans. 

Kuya Mark approached the guy and volunteered to carry his other bag. _"Sir, buti umabot ka. Muntik ka na namin iwan."_ Kuya Mark said, laughing afterwards and guiding the man to the shuttle. My heart stopped for a second and my jaw dropped as soon as the man spun around and our eyes met. 

What the flying fuck?

_"Stell?"_

He turned his gaze at me and from the looks of it, he was just as equally stunned as I was and it took him a moment to speak up.

_"Pau?"_ he said softly, his voice sounding a little hoarse.

Kuya Mark tossed glances on either of us and clapped his hand. _"Oh, so you two know each other? That's great!"_ then he turned to me. _"Sir Pau, he was the last joiner I was telling you about. Yung magiging partner mo for the trip. I guess we're settled then?_ " He asked, showing two thumbs up to the both of us. 

Kuya Mark approached me, gesturing me to get inside the vehicle and instructing me to sit at the back, beside the window. I followed without a word. I tried to ease to a semi-comfortable position where my left leg was elevated due to the rear tire, placing my backpack on my lap. Stell followed suit and sat beside me. Both his bags were lodged at the back of our seats to create some breathing space.

Kuya Mark loomed over us from behind as he spoke to Stell. _"Ibi-brief ko pa sana kayo Sir Stell but we're running out of time. We have to go. I'll orient you na lang at our first stopover. I'm closing this door now. Seatbelts please."_ He closed the rear door soon after.

As soon as the door closed, there was silence. None of the passengers were talking, most were also asleep. Stell was quiet, well he was always quiet but something was different. I couldn't seem to get a hold of myself as I turned my head completely, facing him, totally forgoing the fact that I was shocked to find him in the exact same tour that I was in, and that we ended up as a pair even.

I could clearly make out of his side profile. His hair was still damp, I could tell from the way it gleamed under the light spilling from the window. White streaks of dried powder marked his nape, he probably put on the powder while his skin was still fresh from the shower. I blushed at the thought. 

His lips were slightly open, and I could almost hear his shallow breaths, matching the rhythm of his heaving chest. His eyes looked somber though, they were open just a little bit, you could mistake him for being asleep, almost. 

_"Hey."_ I whispered. He slowly turned his gaze towards me, as though it took him a lot of energy to do so. His skin looked a bit paler than usual. _"What happened?"_

His Adam's apple bobbed, he must have swallowed, while his mouth remained ajar. I noticed his chapped lips and I frowned. He never forgets his lip balm. Something was definitely wrong.

_"Nightmare."_ He said in an extremely low voice, almost as though he was frightened by the word itself. _Nightmares_. He was still having them. He had recurring nightmares for years but he never told me about them. I was about to take his hand on mine, like I used to whenever he had bad dreams. 

  
_"Pwede ba?"_ I asked, pointing at his hand. He looked at me for a fleeting moment and lifted his hand up and laced it between mine. I was surprised for a few seconds with the gesture, but immediately cradled his soft, somewhat sweaty hands and began massaging his fingers one by one. He winced at the pressure every time but he never complained. He looked tired, and scared. His eyes finally closed; his head swaying gently against the movement of the vehicle. 

I placed a hand on the opposite side of his face and pulled him in closer. Without any sign of resistance, he leaned and rested his head on my shoulder, until I heard a soft snore coming out of his lips. I closed my eyes shortly after. This was going to be a long night.


	6. TURQUOISE LAKE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is officially Day#1 of their Bolinao Tour. I had to cut this chapter in half 'cause it became too long.  
> So basically, this is first half of Day 1 heheh.

**PAU POV**

_Blink. Squint. Blink._

The rumble strips on the road that our vehicle had just roughly passed by on stirred me out of my sleep, compelling me to slowly open my eyes. Squinting as they began to adjust to the subtle brightness pouring from the window, I gazed outside. I was warmly greeted by a vast mantle of green fields surrounding Earth-hued mountains. The scene looked like a portrait against the yellow and purplish canvass that was the sky, daybreak and daylight contending. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, savoring what could have been a crisp summer breeze. How I wished.

I carefully shifted to my left, feeling the ache on my lower back due to my uncomfortable position but miserably failed, realizing I couldn't move a limb. My eyes fell down to my lap, and I could only make out a tangled nest of black hair. _Stell_. His head conveniently rested on top of my bag which was lodged on my lap. I leaned a little bit to take a peek of his face, but could only see his red lips from my point of view. His lips were slightly open, soft snores coming out. 

I hoped to touch his hair and run my fingers through it; but that failed as well, as I felt a bit of weight locked around my hands. The corner of my lips curled into a smile. Stell had not let go of my hands since last night, after giving it a soft massage, during which he fell asleep on my shoulder rather quickly. I wondered if he knew.

I leaned back, trying my best not to move too much lest I wake him up. 

Looking around, the married couple seated in front, apart from me, the driver and Kuya Mark were the only ones awake. As if on cue, Kuya Mark took a glance at the rearview mirror, meeting my gaze before turning around over his shoulder.

_"Good Morning! We're arriving at the resort in more or less, thirty minutes."_ I nodded in acknowledgement as he spun to his left and chatted with the driver once again. 

I stared at my and Stell's entwined fingers once more. His hands looked good between mine. I hadn't noticed how small my hands were compared to his. Feeling a little bolder, I brushed my thumb against the nook of his thumb and forefinger, creating small circles. His skin felt so soft and fragile under my touch.

Finally, I ran my free hand through his hair, played with clumps of it, realizing he had a couple of white hairs here and there. Even his hair felt so soft. Why does everything about him looked so delicate? Suddenly, there was a slight shift of weight on my lap. Stell woke up, lifted his head a little, looked around, and finally turned to glance up at me. His eyes crinkled, probably adjusting to the light; but his nose crinkled too. _Cute_.

I bit my lip, stifling a smile from the thought that he still hadn't remembered, nor realized at least, that he was still holding my hand. It felt too good to let go, so I decided not to say a word. Much to my disappointment though, he took notice of it shortly after and slowly loosened his grip.

_"Ay, sorry Pau. Pawisin pa naman kamay ko."_ he apologized, his ears turning pinkish. He fished a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the sweat off from my palms.

I gave him a smile, hoping he could tell there was nothing to apologize for, nor was there a need to remove his sweat from my hand. I'd rather it stayed there, to be honest. He smiled back and kept quiet while straightening up on his seat afterwards.

I curled my fingers in and out, trying to make the warm feeling of his touch stay a little bit longer. But it was for the fact that he was sorry because his hands were sweaty and not because he held my hand overnight made me feel lightheaded. I quickly brushed my delusions off before I got carried away.

_"Saan na tayo Pau?"_ he suddenly asked, looking around. 

_"Bolinao na. Thirty minutes away na lang daw from the resort."_ I said.

Stell's forehead creased.

_"Ha? Hindi man lang nag-stopover?"_

I pursed my lips, a little reluctant to answer his question but I went on.

_"Actually, we did, sa Tarlac. Quick restroom stopover lang."_ I said. The lines in his forehead crinkled even more.

_"Hala, eh 'di hindi ka nakapag-CR? Kasi nakatulog ako sa lap mo?"_ He said with a little panic in his voice before his ears turned pink once more, realizing his choice of words _. "Ay sa lap mo tuloy, I, I mean sa bag mo. Uhh, na nasa lap mo."_ he scratched his head, seemingly conscious of the way he suddenly stammered. I snickered, wishing I could've taken a photo of him. 

_"Okay lang. Malapit naman na tayo sa resort."_ I assured him.

_"Sorry ulit. Sana ginising mo na lang ako."_ he pouted. That little puckering of his lips made me wince, making me want to lace a thumb on it.

_"Hindi na. You needed rest. Stell, I'm okay, don't worry."_

_"Hay, nakakahiya. Ang bigat pa naman ng ulo ko."_ He pouted again.

Was it because he had caught me getting lost at the sight of his moving lips that I was beginning to think he liked doing it on purpose? I couldn't tell, but I wasn't one to complain. 

Without warning, the two ladies seated in front of us turned their heads with seemingly amused expressions and started teasing. 

_"Ang sweet nyo naman po. Mag boyfriend po talaga kayo?"_ Asked the girl with the curly ginger hair. She looked like she wasn't even in her 20s. 

Glancing at Stell, the earlier dust of pink in his ears had since turned to red. He looked away, stretching the fabric of his shirt along his neck area. I smirked.

_"Ah nope."_ I answered the ginger head. _"Well, not yet."_ I added, making Stell turn his head to face me, glaring at me. The redness in his ears abruptly washed all over his face. 

_"Oooh, rooting for you Kuya!"_ She cheered. _"You look good together."_ She and her partner giggled adorably before turning their backs and probably going back to sleep.

Stell didn't speak a word again; he kept his head faced the other way and I almost thought he might have been offended if not for the fact that the redness in his ears remained and had spread throughout his nape. I bit my lower lip to keep myself from smiling again. My cheeks were already starting to hurt and the first day hadn't even officially begun.

/////

We arrived at the resort a few minutes past 6 AM, impressively on point with the itinerary; after which Stell and I were isolated by Kuya Mark from the group as soon as we finished our breakfast. 

He explained to us briefly that the purpose of the program was to ensure that the couples/partners feel special and cared for this Valentine's Day. Nothing too grand, just the little things that would make your partner feel most loved such as holding hands or carrying his/her stuff, a hand massage and such. 

_"So technically, mag-jowa kayo for the whole weekend. It's all up to you should you want to, you know, take things to the next level. Just make sure to kalat responsibly."_ Kuya Mark said in a rather mischievous tone and the wink that coupled with it didn't help either.

Probably due to the fact that neither I nor Stell could figure out how to properly react to his statements that Kuya Mark teasingly snorted and his facial expression quickly evolved to a serious one.

_"But it's not required though. If you're not comfortable with it, by all means, don't. Just look after each other. Clear po tayo?"_ Kuya Mark said to which Stell kept nodding in agreement, not really saying a word. I kept mum as well.

_"So I'm assuming you're both okay with the program, since you've no questions. You have an hour to unpack your stuff in your room and rest a bit then proceed na tayo sa first location."_ Kuya Mark said before heading off inside the resort's reception to make arrangements for the tour.

_"Tara, ayusin na natin gamit natin."_ Stell said after a few seconds of dead air went by, nodding his head towards the direction of our room located at the second floor.

I fidgeted for a bit before calling out to him when he was about to walk away. I think my throat ran dry a little when he stopped and locked his gaze at me, his hands lodged inside the pockets of his jeans. Even with a deadpan face and motionless stance, he still managed to look so good.

_"Stell, you sure you're okay with the program?"_ I asked as soon as I came back to my senses.

_"Ha? Oo naman. Why?"_ He blinked; his brows curling in the middle.

_"Wala naman. Just making sure you're comfortable na maging mag-JOWA tayo for three days."_ I couldn't tell what made me emphasize on the word " _Jowa_ " but I was sure as hell my face reddened due to my own doing. 

_"Actually, if you think about it, parang wala namang difference eh. Massage? Carrying things? Sabay kakain? Basically, looking after each other? We've been doing those things ever since."_ He shrugged. _"Why are you blushing though?"_ He asked, still smirking. 

I must have flinched a little when he suddenly extended his hand out towards me, flailing it even when I let a few seconds pass without doing anything but stare at it. 

_"Pau? Don't just stare at my hand. Hold it."_ He nudged. _"This isn't new to us either."_

Reluctantly, I held out my hand and he reached for it casually; not entwining our fingers but the electricity that swam through my veins felt terribly addicting. He pulled me closer to him before we finally walked our way to our assigned bedroom.

///

_"Welcome to Bolinao Falls 1!"_ Kuya Mark announced excitedly so, spreading his arms as he introduced the beautiful scenery behind him. 

The travel approximately took about 35 minutes from the resort to the Falls, all the while being explained to the history of the landmark plus the activities that we could explore. 

Peeking through the cliff, Stell and I frowned at the huge crowd occupying the river below. Bolinao Falls 1 had the highest cliff among the cluster of three falls, making it a favorite for adrenaline junkies because of the massive 2-storey high jump. While all of us wore our respective life vests, Stell and I weren't exactly great swimmers nor very much fond of cliff diving to begin with; hence, after some thought, we sought for Kuya Mark's permission to transfer to Bolinao Falls 3 instead, where it was most quiet and secluded.

The baby-faced ginger-haired girl from our group, who we later learned was named Lesley, together with her partner named Nana, joined us through the trek. It wasn't a leisurely 4-minute walk due to the slippery moss and sharp rocks but what greeted us shortly after made it all worthwhile. 

The view literally looked as though it was a Windows Wallpaper that sprang into life, with strawberry-colored Fire trees lining up the small cliff from which the cold waters plunge down into a serene Turquoise lake. 

The two girls giggled brashly as we went climbing down the makeshift stairs in no time and dove into the ice-cold river, allowing the ice water to engulf both my mind and my body entirely.

_Aah, it's been so long_. This felt really good, I thought, as I rested my head onto the neck-pad of my life vest, sprawling my arms and legs against the small ripples of water, letting it cradle me back and forth. I inhaled deeply, with a bit of effort as the weight of the water clenched onto my lungs. With eyes closed, I stayed immobile on the surface of the lake for as long as I could remember.

When I opened my eyes up, the first thing I looked for was Stell. I first caught sight of Lesley and Nana who were both busy making out, just beside the smaller waterfalls. I quickly looked away as heat crawled up my face, but the image somehow embedded itself in my memory, though my mind replaced the two girls to an image of me and Stell, instead. Our faces were close, hands roaming our bodies and tasting each other's mouths. My legs tightened underneath the water with that thought and I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head in an attempt to eradicate that inappropriate picture. 

It was successful somehow, getting it off my brain, but there was a lingering effect below my abdomen where a little ache blossomed. _Pau, behave!_ A little voice screamed at the back of my head and I waved a hand at that invisible voice as though I could shoo it away.

I swam around, rotating in my spot in 360 degrees and finally seeing a bright orange vest a few meters behind, assuming it was him since there were no other people at the sight. My hands gently ladled into the waters, small waves trailing behind me as it pushed me closer to where Stell was. Like my earlier situation, it seemed like he fell asleep, his head resting on the pads of his vest, lulled by the calmness of the lake. 

With a few more strokes, I reached him. Unlike the sleeping Stell inside the van, his lips were closed this time, but they were just as red, if not redder. Droplets of water lined up his forehead, some trickling along his cheeks and some on his lips. His hair was wet and his fringe was brushed up, exposing his forehead. I took the opportunity to stare at his beautiful face, leaning just a bit closer, and a bit more...

_"Hoy, may masama kang balak ano?"_ he suddenly spoke, eyes flying open. Startled wasn't even qualified to describe how panicked I was, I almost doubled over if not for my life vest, but the abrupt movement of my legs under the water caused my muscles to react, violently that is.

_"Ah shit, gago ang saket!"_ I cowered as the pain and inability to move my legs down to my feet quickly escalated. It felt as though my toes were being pried away from each other and my entire legs became stiff and heavy. The last thing I saw was the urgent look flashing across Stell's face before he dove past me quickly and started dragging me out of the water. 

It took us a few minutes to reach the shallow streams where he yanked me first through my vest before clamping his hands against my armpits, pulling and resting me on the area where the rocks were smoother. 

_"Alin ang masakit?"_ He asked, not even waiting for my answer as he began stroking the cramped muscles collected throughout the length of my legs. Starting from the back of my knees, his firm grip gradually slid down, his fingers digging against my skin with an ample amount of pressure, causing the muscles underneath to jerk. 

Unfortunately, it wasn't the only thing that jerked upright as I accidentally let out an audible gasp that sounded more like a moan _. "Ohh, Stell."_

I hurriedly placed a hand over my mouth which I sure as heck was too late plus but I doubt if it could conceal the heat and redness swelling on my entire face. It also didn't help that Stell looked up at me at the same time with an inexplicable expression on his face, before witnessing the moderate change in the color of his ears from flesh to pink. 

_"Pau shut up. Baka may makarinig sayo, kung ano pa isipin."_ He whispered, gazing back down to my legs and continued rubbing, reaching down to my instep and pressing his fingers on it, creating currents and sending directly to my gut. I bit my tongue to prevent myself from letting out another moan. 

I leaned forward in an attempt to caress my now-limp legs, just as soon as Stell decided to turn his face around. It was a fraction of a second but I distinctly felt the faint touch of his lips against mine.

He pulled back a little bit, but still too dangerously close to my face that I could take in the scent of his breath that was a mix of the morning breeze and the cold freshwater lake. I gathered up all my courage to be able to look him in the eyes, but his eyes were fixed onto something else, my mouth. 

I swallowed as I see his lips slightly part, quivering as he took in shallow breaths. My mind was a mess, and it became even messier when he spoke. _"M-masakit pa ba? Paa mo?"_

I tipped backwards, breaking free from his intoxicating smell with much reluctance. _"Okay na. Salamat."_

He pressed on my instep and stretched my toes a couple of times more before putting my feet down ever so gently like they were made of glass. His feather-light touch and the reflection of the lake in his eyes allowed me to take a sip of the sun, the clouds and the skies. They left a sweet aftertaste in my tongue. For the first time, I felt like I was finally right where I belonged.


	7. BUTTERFLY WINGS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavy narration ahead!  
> Sorry took me another long time to update.   
> So many things happened this week so I hope this chapter could uplift your spirits a little.  
> Kinda cringey though ;)

**STELL POV**

_God, you’re so beautiful._

I couldn’t tell how long it was, but my lips felt that. There was a brush, very faint, very quick, but it was a bolt of lightning that struck the nerves in my mouth and it scorched all over my body, slithering through each and every fissure it could find. My entire body was engulfed by live wire.

After Pau’s lips grazed against my own, everything seemed to have ceased moving, and my eyes began seeing things as though they were never there to begin with. His floofy hair was a billow of clouds, dancing smoothly against the wind, Coffee-colored deep-set iris that stared into the universe of your eyes, plump lips in the shade between Rose and Crimson. _Why was I seeing all these things now?_

_Pau, have you always been this beautiful?_

I tried to pull back despite my body telling me otherwise. Whether this was gravity overtaking my will to break free from this invisible force, I didn’t know anymore. What is this exactly?

I had gone out with dozens of girls in the past, took them out for Frappes and cheesecakes, movies and leisurely strolls, stayed up late and sung lullabies for them, held their hands and kissed the tips of their noses. I had fun, I had meaningful talks, I had tasted pain. I genuinely liked all of them. But this, I couldn’t grasp what kind of reality this was. The sensation was too...strange, and exhilarating; something I hadn't felt before, not even with Euna. 

When I stirred from my musing again, all I could see was Pau's lips, hanging, waiting, moist and red. How I was able to speak a different word other than "I want to kiss you" was beyond me. I came up with something stupid instead like " _Masakit pa ba? Ang paa mo?"_ Stellvester, you were foolish.

I didn't mean to lie. I knew in my core I wanted to kiss him. I told him I would try, I told him that over Milk Tea last Monday. I asked him if we could hang out and he said yes and I honestly didn't know what to do after that. Even as I ordered my favorite Grass Jelly, even as he ordered a cup not knowing which one tasted good so he opted for White Pearl, I hadn't known what to do nor say.

When we sat next to each other at the table from the far end, the mood lights dazzled above him and I was blown away by his beauty that I was seeing for the first time. I was mesmerized and confused and frightened all at once. Everything felt sudden and unreal that I couldn't hold back when I told him I was sorry. He might have wanted to ask why, but I could tell from his meaningful gaze that he knew exactly what I was apologizing for yet he didn't say a word; instead he played with the plastic straw between his supple fingers.

_"I'm sorry Pau. I was a jerk."_ I said as the guilt continued to pull at my leg deep into the ocean floor that I didn't have the strength to look into his eyes when I said that. I continued speaking, not really thinking about things and I knew right then and there it was my heart and soul doing all this talking for me and I let them.

I said I was sorry for hurting him, for keeping my distance as I didn't know how to face him anymore and had we remained close to each other, I might have ended up hurting him a lot more than what I could prevent. I could never forgive myself for that. 

I held his hand that time while he continued to drink from his cup, and even when the straw was wedged between his teeth, he smiled and his eyes were gleaming like crystals and he looked pretty; too pretty that it started to hurt. 

_"I want to try Pau."_ I told him as I held on to his hands tighter than what was necessary and for some reason, he still didn't speak. I thought half of my body melted when he squeezed my hand back and he smiled, his eyes crinkled so much that they almost seemed to disappear. 

From somewhere at the back of my head, I heard the familiar noise of gushing water coming from a high place, and a noise that was more faint but seemed nearer to where I sat; the lake, and the tiny swirls into the Blue waters created by Pau's dainty fingers. These softly knocked me out from another reverie and once again found myself staring at his beauty.

_"Okay na, salamat."_ Pau said softly before smiling, earning me another surge of heat to my ears. I rubbed his feet and toes a couple of times more before laying them on the wet ground as carefully as I could.

Suddenly, Pau was the most fragile thing in my eyes, a _butterfly wing_ ; small, delicate, and must be held with care.

I took Pau's hand and laced it between mine, feeling, pressing, brushing; all the while staring at it and felt amazed how tiny it looked against my slender and bony hands. His hands were white and soft like milk, and mine was honey.

Even before that day when Pau confessed that he liked me, he used to always hold my hands, especially whenever I had bad dreams. But sometimes, he would just take it and play with it, give me soft massages that relaxed me all the time. His touch had always soothed my pain, like a lullaby caressing me to sleep. Sometimes he'd do it while singing the songs he wrote, while his other hand scribbled shapes in my scalp.

There was this day when I was with Pau and we caught this girl I was dating with some other guy and I broke the motherfucker's nose. I liked her and thought I was in love for the first time so I drank and drank and drank some more and Pau was watching me but wasn't even taking a sip of his wine. I asked why and he said he had to stay sober in case he had to drag me home. I just laughed at him and drank carelessly but I had strong alcohol tolerance yet he still walked me home at 3 AM. 

I had not thought of anything about him then except he was just being the good friend that I needed in my life and never really saw all those things he did for me. As I looked at him now, it felt like I was standing in the middle of a long strip of black sand and watched this impending tidal wave as high as skyscrapers come wash me out and drown me in these bittersweet realizations that I was an asshole all this time.

_"I'll take care of you."_ I only wished to say that in my mind but it came out of my lips like it was meant to. He squeezed my hand with his and cupped my cheek and smiled showing his braces and it made me want to kiss him even more.

His thumb caressed my cheek wet with freshwater lake and stared at me like I was some sunken treasure discovered at the bottom of the sea.

_“Stell, you take care of me better than anybody."_ He said and I shook my head and I again re-played in my mind how I hurt him two years ago. He was sick and I made him cry and I left him alone at first light.

I leaned in to his touch that was warm and cold all at once and placed my hand over his and told him _"I'll do better."_

He said " _Okay_." and he kissed my wet cheek and it felt unreal and I couldn't breathe.

He laced his milk fingers between mine and we went again to the lake together where the water was clear and shallow and where our feet could touch the pebbled floor. We stripped off our life vests over our heads and we sunk under the cool waters and watched each other's hair sway along with the ripples our bubble breaths made. The sunlight beneath the water made his skin glow like ivory and he looked like the mer-man swimming in my whims.

We could've stayed and sunk into the bottom of the lake all day until the skins in our fingertips turned white and aged had not Kuya Mark appeared amidst the thick groove of the grass behind the stone walls and yelled for us to come back. He said it was time to go and he patted on his wrist like he had a watch when there was none. 

Pau and I held hands as we emerged from the water and reluctantly scrubbed off the rough freshwater remnants from our skin at the public baths. I lent him my strawberry shampoo and he smiled, saying _"Ito na gagamitin kong shampoo lagi para mag-kaamoy na tayo hehe."_ and it sounded as good as saying _“I like you.”_

_I must be going crazy._

We hurried to the van right after we changed into dry clothes and kissed the lake goodbye.

We had our meal and it was probably the grandest lunch I've had. We took this beautiful cruise, a floating _kubo_ being pulled along by a _banca_ at the _Balingasay_ River which lasted for almost a couple of hours. Pau and I indulged ourselves in _Puto Calasiao, Dinuguan_ and all of the province's favorite delicacies. 

_"Stell, tikman mo 'to oh."_ Pau called from behind and his fingers that held a pinch of _Puto_ met my mouth and he shoved it inside, a little bit farther in than what was necessary and my tongue grazed the skin of his fingertips. He must have felt that, I could tell by the way his Ivory cheeks turned Pink and the sudden heat that swarmed my ears. He pulled his fingers out and licked it then walked away. _Fuck_.

I was leaning on to the wooden barricade of the _kubo_ , taking in the fresh humid breeze when music filled the air. Out came a band of elderly men playing different instruments carved of wood and merrily dancing to their own tune. Pau dragged me to the center and he slung his hands on my neck while mine found his waist and we danced along. My heart wanted to burst and I secretly wished to spend more moments like this with him.

After the feast, we headed to _Cape Bolinao_ Lighthouse, a decade-old towering edifice atop the _Punta Piedra_ Point. It was one the main lighthouses in the country that guided ships and vessels and warned them of dangerous areas. Unfortunately, it was no longer open to the general public so we could only view it from the outside.

Pau held my hand and dragged me over to a seemingly unfinished ancestral house at the foot of the hill and sat by a porch where the paint had long since peeled off from the structure. 

_"Dito na muna tayo tumambay Stell."_ He said and I was confused since the area looked dark and had cobwebs on the pillars but then he pointed over to the east and the grandeur of the lighthouse could be seen from where we were. _"Ang ganda 'no?"_

It was so high, was said to be a hundred and one feet and you can bask in the panoramic shot from the top that encompassed the view of the Cerulean seas and miles of white sand beaches and lush green rolling hills where the clouds meet the ocean. I wished we could've seen that beauty. I wished I could've compared it to the beauty whose coffee-colored eyes looked at me now.

_"Oo nga, ang ganda."_ I said, looking at him and he smiled.

Pau had been smiling a lot lately and I wanted to memorize every crevice of his face. So I pulled him out of the dark porch and lead him to where the sun shone and caught the afternoon star in his eyes. We took many photos then, and none of those came close to his beauty and I wondered, _was he even real?_

_“Tumigil ka na nga.”_ Pau said, nudging me on my waist. _"Baka matunaw na 'ako nyan."_

He lowered his head and his hair slid along, covering his eyes. I wanted to tuck his hair in his ear and run my fingers through those tufts of hair that looked like silk. Instead, I placed a small Lavender-colored flower that I found lying on the ground and pinned it in the nook of his ear and hair, before I ran my thumb along his plump cheeks. 

He held my hand that cupped his face and closed his eyes, as though he was reeling on the warmth of my palm against his cold alabaster skin. I wished I could paint him.

I could’ve leaned in closer a bit faster. I could’ve tasted his lips then. I could have, had not Kuya Mark appeared from behind the structure and yelled _“Mamser! Uwian na po. Lezzgo!”_ and he walked away snickering like he enjoyed ruining moments each time.

With a heavy heart, I reached for Pau’s hand and went back to the van, reaching the resort in less than five minutes.

///

We had a quick dinner at the resort and I asked Pau to take a walk at the shore. Even from a distance, the moon was full and looked huge, seemingly resting above the silhouette of the _Cape Bolinao_ Lighthouse. Drizzles of sea water sprayed, creating miniscule shadows against the Silver evening light.

The breeze felt cool and damp on the skin so I wrapped my jacket around me tighter, like it could render any more protection. Pau didn’t bring any jackets with him so I grabbed his hand and placed it inside my pocket, thumbing his cold fingers inside. We walked a few meters more, the cream sands caving in to our every footstep, taking shape, only to be wiped out by the waves in the coastline.

We stood by the beach, both eyes wandering along the vast dim portrait that was the moon and the ocean. In the morning, the waves would be angrier and it would wade so high, higher than the rock formations sculpted by centuries of weathering and erosions.

Summer or not, the ocean here is not quite a good place for swimming, but it was perfect for surfing. Pau and I enjoyed watching the huge upsurges of water crash and break into the boulders while the drizzles it created furiously misted over us. Pau was giggling in cold and delight as he ran to me and hugged me. How much I longed for the warmth of his body was beyond me.

We lied down the wet sand, gazed fixed towards the night sky. We were puzzled why there were no stars but the moon was full and immense and illuminated everything in its path, making the waters glimmer.

_“So kamusta? Nag-eenjoy ka naman so far?”_ I asked.

Pau looked at me like I said something funny and thought it was weird. But he smiled, like all those smiles from today that I’ve engraved in my head. _Pretty._

_“I’m enjoying a lot.”_ He said to the sky before facing me, his cheeks digging into the sand. _“Masaya ako kasi magkasama tayo dito. Never thought this could happen.”_ He looked up again, letting out a deep, satisfied sigh.

_“Yeah. Who would’ve thought we’d up here, together?”_ I briefly glanced at him before looking back up at the moon. There’s just something so enthralling about the moon tonight. Was it the color? Was it the environment? Was it because of him?

Pau laughed and the saccharine-coated chime of his voice rang in my ears.

_“Oh, why are you laughing?”_ I asked, bemused.

_“Wala lang.”_ he said, his voice trailing off a bit and for some reason, he was smiling; but not the kind of smile I wanted to see. A smile laced with gloom that transcended to the sound of his voice. “ _Kasi, I realized, kung sinagot ka ni Euna, all three of us would’ve ended up here altogether. That would’ve sucked for me.”_

I momentarily paused before snorting. _“Yeah. I guess getting dumped had its perks after all.”_ I sighed, moving my arms to my head and resting on it like a pillow; grains of sand clinging on my skin.

There was a fleeting moment of stillness that permitted the roaring waves to surmount the calm.

_“I’m sorry.”_ Pau said softly.

I glanced at him and his glum face even looked sadder. I wiggled along the sand, pulling myself closer to him so I could take his hand. _“Hey no, it’s not what I meant. Upset ako for a few days pero I’m okay now, I’m happier. Can’t you tell? I guess things changed when I realized I deserved so much better.”_ I gave his hand a comforting squeeze.

He stared at our entwined hands and smiled before looking at me, eyes twinkling in the moonlight.

“ _Ako ba si better?” He chuckled. “Haha joke lang.”_

I looked at him and he was still smiling but it seemed uncertain, probably torn somewhere between feeling hopeful and cautious. I squirmed closer to him and lifted his head up and placed it on top of my arm. Even in the shadows, I could make out the pinkness that dusted his milk cheeks. Another light mist of sea water rained on us.

He pursed his lips and fell silent as I ran my free hand through his hair. Leaning closer to his ear, I whispered. _“I’m getting there Pau. Almost there.”_

He fiddled with his fingers, then the hem of his shirt. _“Uy, take your time. I waited for five years. I can wait a bit more.”_

_“Hmm, a bit na lang ba? Kailangan ko na bang magmadali?”_ I said in an intentional raspy voice. He wriggled a little, probably tickled as I took pleasure in the way his face had turned scarlet. He side-eyed me when his blush died down.

_“Whatever suits you. Either way,”_ He said, tracing my jawline with his finger. _“As long as you’ll end up with me.”_

His eyes roamed around my face for a moment before pressing his lips in the corner of my mouth. It was another brief second, fleeting, and I couldn’t feel a thing, not even my heart beat. He snuggled in the nook of my neck and we stayed there for as long as I could remember, reveling in the cold mist under the mystic moonlight.


	8. FLOWER IN THE RAIN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Compressed chapter. 5000+ words dump.  
> I was contemplating whether or not to cut this in half and decided not to. SKL.  
> Sorry again for the long wait, had several episodes of writer's block and am honestly not very satisfied with how this turned out. Sorry in adv :(  
> Follow me on Twitter for updates @lefabgeek :">

**PAU POV**

**_"As long as you'll end up with me."_ **

_Wherever I found the boldness to tell him that, I honestly had no idea. The soft cool waters soaking my feet half-buried in the White-Gold sands must have given me some courage, hence I trailed a fingertip along the perfection that was Stell's jawline. His features were so defined that he looked like this celestial man-deity sculpted from copper and wrought iron. Every inch of his skin where my fingers licked, scorched me. How long have I dreamed to touch him like this?_

_I sank my teeth against my bottom lip; wanting more, wanting so much more. Even as I've said I waited for five years and that I would keep waiting, it didn't mean I wanted less. He's too desperately close; I barely had to move a muscle and my lips could touch his with ease. But I didn't. Instead, I cupped his face and planted a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Even that tasted like strawberries and ocean wine._

_"I want to kiss you." he said and I thought I might have misheard, so I lifted my head up from the alcove of his shoulder and let myself vanish in the galaxy of his eyes. They were so much more bewitching than the moon. He craned a finger onto my chin, slowly guiding my face up until I could once again take a whiff of the mellow stench of his lip balm. I closed my eyes, waiting for his petal lips to press onto mine and..._

**Knock! Knock!**

_I hesitantly opened my eyes and found myself alone in the shore. The moon, the lighthouse and Stell were gone. I stood up, brushed off the wet sands from my bottoms, legs and hair and took a few steps, searching. I walked a few steps more, and some more, until I was running._

**_"Stell? Stell!"_ ** _I yelled and I was still running, off to somewhere I didn't know. **"Stell!"**_

**Knock! Knock!**

The night sky had likewise gone and white light spilled in from the frosted glass window of our bedroom, blinding me.

Another series of pounding against our bedroom door startled me up from my bed and Kuya Mark's deep chocolate voice echoed along the hallway, commanding us to get up and prepare for breakfast at the garden at exactly 7 am. I rubbed my eyes and found them moist. Gripping absentmindedly against the sheets, I let my gaze fall empty on the white fabric, vision hazy, mind floating away.

_Was it a dream? Had everything been a dream?_

My eyes roamed around the room and found our wet clothes hanging by the rack at the corner, still dripping with saltwater and memoirs from the night before. It wasn't a dream after all. I kissed him. I really did kiss him. Almost.

I glanced over to my right, Stell was still sleeping peacefully on his bed. A bouquet of jet-black hair peeked through the blanket resting just above his nape, and fluid almond skin revealed in the little of his back where the fabric draped short. I got up from bed as abruptly as the warmth in my cheeks faded away.

In one stride, I reached his bed. He was lying on his side, facing the wall, giving me ample space beside him for me to sit on which I no longer hesitated to do. Cautiously so, I settled a hand on the hollow of his slender waist, and gently nudged him thrice, coupled with mild taps and squeezes that my hand seemed to take pleasure on.

_"Stell."_ I said softly as I leaned closer to his face, struggling so as not to let my lips touch the delicate shell of his ear. _"Stell, gising na."_

My attempts were but in vain, as expected of this heavy sleeper. Not that I've had the chance to wake him up in the mornings like this, though that would be a nice memory.

I slightly flinched when he shifted and tossed around, so that he was already facing me; the movement caused the guiltless sheets to fall gingerly across his bare chest. He was wearing his panda sleeping eye mask, which I gifted him with a few years back. He still couldn't sleep without it, I see.

While I tried to keep my attention on Stell's red lips and jawline that had me aching to run a thumb on, I got far too distraught on the crude display of the nakedness of his torso. I had seen him in such state a handful of times, but not this intimate, and the thought sent me reeling. I gently pulled the trimming of the blanket out of his body, revealing more of his honeyed skin. The lump in my throat was becoming harder to ignore by the minute.

The hem carelessly rested atop the waistband of his boxers but I couldn't bring myself to care at this time, not upon this riveting sight of Stell's broad shoulders, sinewy chest and an obscene line of firm muscles along his abdomen that must have probably trailed down even underneath his boxers. I pursed my lips as I struggled to disregard the dull pain blooming in the center of my legs.

I lifted a finger, lightly trembling with the need to let it skim down his neck. _It wouldn't hurt, would it?_ This would be...quick.

I pressed down a fingertip on his Adam's apple which synchronously dipped up and down against my touch. I let my fingertip sail down smoothly, painlessly, along the length of his neck, further down to his clavicle, creating a delicate terrain until I reached his chest, which heaved in a solitary rhythm. A few inches more, tripping down his navel; a bit further more and...

I attempted to draw back but he was faster, he suddenly grabbed my hand.

He stirred awake, pulling his sleeping mask up and squinting, eyes adjusting to the light but gaze fixed on me. I finally gobbled up the chunk of spit wedged inside my throat. _Stupid Pau. You shouldn't have._ Then it hit me. I hastily turned around and grabbed the pillow lodged between his legs and placed it on my lap using my free hand, hiding the growing tent underneath my pyjamas.

His squinting eyes ogled at me. He let go of my hand and prudently reached out for the blanket in an effort to mask his nakedness.

_"Pau, wait lang naman. Hindi pa ako ready mag-level up. Hindi pa nga kita sinasagot eh."_ He pouted after ditching the bogus look of alarm he wore a few seconds ago.

I stiffened as heat and currents swiftly dispersed all over my face and body which I tried to conceal by hitting him with a pillow on his head. But I could only hear him snicker while shielding himself from my attacks.

_"Bwisit! Bumangon ka na nga! Breakfast daw sa garden at 7 AM."_ I stood up after swatting him with a towel and marched my way to the bathroom for a quick shower. His giggles were the last thing I heard before I twisted the shower knob on and washed away the building tension growing under my abdomen.

It was a rather quick bath, since I wasn't quite fond of being tardy at any sort of appointment, whether it was reporting to the office or just merely spending breakfast at the garden in front of the coastline. I was already wearing my swimming clothes when I stepped out of the bathroom, spilling steam as soon as I opened the door.

Yes, I didn't want to be late, nor did I wish to be scolded by Kuya Mark in front of our other groupmates, but I might as well just forget about punctuality when I crashed against Stell's chest while I was walking over to my bed and struggling to wrap my towel around my dripping hair at the same time.

I flinched upon the recognition of a warm, familiar touch that gripped my waist, pressing me closer to his naked body. I lifted my head up a little to meet his eyes, scarcely seeing his face through my damp hair that messily cleaved on to my forehead and cheeks.

_"Hindi kasi tumitingin sa dinadaanan."_ He murmured unevenly as he cloaked his face against my wet hair, flinging tremors across my nape. Whether he had known how his warm breath against my skin were enough to make my entire body tremble, he cared not, as he continued to inhale even deeper against my hair. _"I smell strawberry shampoo."_

He nuzzled deeper into my hair, his lips brushing faintly against the tip of my ear.

_"Hmm, yeah. O-okay lang ba?"_ I managed to say despite the hoarseness in my throat. My eyes unwillingly closed to the sensation that suddenly enveloped my core.

I could tell he was nodding in agreement, and the movement of his head tickled, causing gooseflesh underneath the thin material of my rash guard that rendered no protection whatsoever.

_"Uhm hmm. You smell nice."_ He said in a much lower voice as I felt the tip of his nose slowly cascading from my ear and onto the side of my neck. He decided to stop there, drinking my scent it.

_"How about you use my body wash too next time hmm?"_ He whispered, his hand rested low on my back, pressing me closer.

Confusion and panic got the better of me and I slightly quivered, my hands awkwardly hung on either of my sides, still clutching the wet towel. My mouth gaped and closed, words barred from coming out and only my labored breathing permeated the room.

_"Stell, stop teasing me." I groaned._

Reluctantly bringing my hands against his chest, I pushed him gently but his hand on my back resisted against the force that was hardly present.

_"Sorry, I couldn't help it."_ He croaked in the nook of my neck before bringing his lips on my forehead and planting a soft kiss. _"You just smell so sweet and you look good in your wet hair."_

I guess I needed to learn how to get a hold of myself soon as I for sure was flushing horribly again, feeling the swelling heat from my cheeks down. I might have let my guard down and succumbed to the yearnings of my body; slither both my hands on his bare chest had not Kuya Mark performed a barrage of impatient knocks on our door.

We both stirred up and laughed nervously before Stell finally hoisted his towel over his shoulder and went his way to the bathroom, leaving me frail and distracted as I collapsed over to my bed, clutching my chest in an effort to calm the erratic thumping of my heart.

* * *

The itinerary for the day consisted of only two locations which were fortunately both in close proximity to the resort. We had our first stop at the Enchanted Cave which was barely ten minutes away. We arrived as soon as the place opened, allowing the entire area for our group to enjoy. They said that visiting the cave is a must for travelers touring Bolinao, otherwise they'd be missing out on a real gem.

The Enchanted Cave was indeed that, enchanted. The entire place was massive, like it was a world of its own. It had a small zoo where young monkeys played atop the trees, swinging from branch to branch. Their slim legs were hinged onto a chain and I wished to have taken a photo but something about the chain stopped me from doing so, and I felt a feeble twinge in my chest.

We treaded along a cemented pathway that was carved on a slope and went all the way up to a small hill. It was a long walk, probably about twenty minutes. Tall green ferns and huge fossils of giant clams and corals from decades ago lined up the path and a ribbon-mile canopy of flowering vines provided a needful shade along the way.

I could've sworn we could find relics of sea nymphs and conch shells or even treasure boxes if we had time to exhume the lands in here. But time was running and we were trying to bypass the coming of the crowd on a weekend holiday.

From the apex of the hill, the vastness of the land that was man-made beauty welcomed us in the early morning. It was still early, and while the sun had been up a long while, the stratum of the clouds conquered the skies, spilling patches of shadows on most areas. Sweet purple air swirled, filling my senses, and I took a deep breath, arms stretched wide. The breeze smelled of burnt bamboo and rice wash, reminding me of our breakfast that they called _Binungay_ , or _Suman sa Kawayan with latik._

An old lady waited for us at the peak. A medium-sized shelf which contained life vests and safety hats stood beside her and which she handed to us over one by one together with an almost-wrinkled piece of paper that served as passes to the cave’s entrance. A few steps more, downhill this time, and we reached the mouth of the cave where the air was damp and darkness grimly squirmed against the sunlight.

The makeshift stairs down the cave was too narrow and steep and rows and rows of stalactites hung down the ceiling. I was clumsy for one, and Stell had to yank my head down occasionally every time I failed to take notice of huge rocks come lunging at me and lest I crash my head against one of those and come tumbling down to my doom, god forbid.

The view lit up a bit when we reached the foot of the stairs, thanks to the tiny lightbulbs strewn across the tunnel, but not entirely so hence the deeper part of the cave remained nearly pitch-black. A massive cable surrounded the allowed swimmable perimeter, restricting the area to only about twenty guests at a time.

The spring water looked cold, and I hadn't even dipped a finger in it. Corals of enormous size that looked more like stalagmites could be seen at the bottom of the Aquamarine waters, which was said to be around seven to eight feet deep. Gleaming crystals dusted throughout the cavern for whenever the lightbulbs catch the tiny glasses embedded on the stalactites, looking like a rain of fireflies reflecting against the water, looking like a dream.

I carefully dipped my feet into the waters, one hand gripping against the safety cable while my other hand clutched onto Stell’s. He let go of my hand as soon as I completely submerged into the water. It was fucking cold, my legs felt numb immediately but it was nonetheless something I needed to get my blood pumping.

Stell dipped in next, gripping my hand tightly as he clenched the cable with the other. He jumped straight down into the water with a hardly audible _“shit”_. I wasn't too certain with what I heard but I decided to swim over to him and check nonetheless. He was pressing at the tip of his finger.

_“What happened? Okay ka lang?”_ I frowned.

_“Hmm, yeah. Papercut from the cable.”_

For some reason, my hands slightly trembled when I reached for his hand and cradled it between mine. Holding it like it was silk, I gaped into the wound, a scarlet crescent engraved in the tip of his finger. When I gazed up at him, his eyes were questioning, and while I had not intended to answer those, I took the finger into my lips and planted a feather-light kiss. 

How his finger tickled like chiffon against my lips was beyond me. I kissed it again, lingering a little, pressing gently against his skin. He mumbled something under his breath which I no longer understood, but his lips began to part. I could tell he was liking it as much as I did. 

I peppered kisses all over the tiny area, occasionally flickering my tongue out, tasting a hint of salt and rust at each swirl. I knew this wouldn't do, so I finally created a little entry and sucked the slender finger in, savoring the blend of freshwater and skin. I tilted my head to the side, wondering how it could taste this sweet.

_"Shit...Pau."_ He muttered in between small pants. 

Stell had always looked beautiful to me. But right now, he looked divine; mouth gaping, breathing frayed, eyes half closed, chest heaving, soft moans rising out his throat. I thought I was looking at a Renaissance painting and I wanted to pull him under the water and make love to him right here.

His moans could've been loud enough to echo within the tunnel if not for the blaring giggles and outcries from Lesley and Nana who had been playing along, splashing cold water against each other, encouraging our other group mates to do the same.

The noise seemed to have snapped Stell out of his momentary trance and quickly pulled his finger out of my lips, gawking at me in disbelief. He flicked my nose and smirked before reaching his hand out to me and pulling us towards the disorderly bunch to join in the commotion. 

* * *

We left the cave after an hour and travelled to _Patar_ beach by foot, which took about fifteen minutes. There were a few tourists and some fisher folks hoisting their _bancas_ onto the shore and some were untangling their fishing nets made from wire and nylon. Groups of kids gleaming in their golden almond skin under the mid-day heat chased each other in the coastline, some even chasing the waves and riding them.

I felt a sudden surge of excitement upon the sight of the rolling waves in the ocean. While I wasn't exactly a good swimmer to begin with, I had always loved the sea. 

Kuya Mark said we could stay here for three hours to do whatever, before leaving us at a humble-sized cottage to fetch our shuttle. The group immediately scattered in all directions like kids freed from the wild, except for the oldest married couple from our group who volunteered to look after our belongings. 

_"Tara langoy!"_ Stell exclaimed, already grabbing my hand and dragging me out to the shore before I could refuse, well not that I intended to. We ran outside, as fast as we could, dodging the kids running across the coast with makeshift kites in their grasps. The strong humid breeze smashed into our faces as we soar towards the shoreline. 

The creamy golden sand stretched so long that I could no longer see its ends. It disappeared into a cluster of colossal rock formations where the waves angrily crashed into, reminding me of the night before. I could very well still feel the rain of mists on our faces as we held each other at the seafront.

My musing was interrupted as soon as the cold seas kissed my feet, and we were still running until we got as far as where the water reached our necks, and dove straight down. I kept searching but there were no corals in this part, only the white sandy floors and a few schools of fish lounged in the area.

Half an hour later and we decided we were tired, arms and legs aching. We dragged ourselves ashore and laid there, baking our skins to a crisp. Our eyes were red and sore and thought it was funny, so we laughed at nothing in particular but it felt good after a long swim. The ocean looked like a blanket of crystals, with the sunlight breaking onto the surface of the water, making it glow. 

I still wanted to ride the waves though.

_"Gusto mo mag surf?"_ I asked Stell out of nowhere.

He glanced over his shoulder to me and pouted. _"Uhm, not really. Wala akong sense of balance hehe."_

I smiled, a little disappointed. I wanted to surf but I rather experience it with Stell. I looked back to the ocean. I flinched when he suddenly tapped on my finger caved against granules of sand, and hooked it around his own.

_"Go on and surf. I'll watch you from here."_ he said, nodding in encouragement. But I was hesitant. _"Go lang Pau. Kailan pa tayo ulit makakabalik dito? Don't mind me. I'll enjoy naman watching you."_

That was all the push it took for me to stand up and search for the nearest rent-a-surf hut, all before throwing one last look at Stell, making sure he's okay and secured in his spot. He flipped a thumb before I went off and began searching again. I decided to approach the nearest random person carrying a surfboard along the beach and asked for information. 

He quickly extended his hand over to me without even bothering to ask me what I needed. 

_"JP."_ he said rather casually.

I frowned and took a long while until I caught up. _"Ah, JP, your name. Yeah sorry. I'm Pau."_ I stammered for some reason, before taking his hand and shaking it in return.

He laughed and his chinky eyes disappeared into a slit. He offered to lend me his surfboard, even teach me the basics after explaining that nobody offered an hour-worth of surfing lessons in the area even if I searched the whole day. Either that or it will cost me an arm and leg with the rates ballooning high up at peak season. 

After much thought, I agreed. He seemed nice after all. I tossed a quick look at Stell, he was still sitting right where I left him. His eyes squinted and forehead creased, _must be the heat_ , I thought. 

JP guided me to the sea where the water was waist-deep. As much as I hated to admit, it looked much easier said than done. Not even ten minutes into the tutorial and I might have trampled and gobbled up more sea water than I did diving for half an hour earlier. It seemed Stell was not the only one lacking a sense of equilibrium here. 

But I persisted, not willing to admit that surfing was not made for me and JP commended that fighting spirit, though it really didn't help at all. He would scoop me out of the water, grabbing me by my hand every time I get tossed by the waves and while he might have put an effort to stifle a laugh, he didn't succeed. My cheeks flared up in humiliation.

One huge wave washed me up yet again and it must have been from strain and exhaustion that I found it hard to hold on to the surfboard this time and got hurled a bit farther out than expected. I choked on a mouthful of saltwater that felt like blades of glass in my throat.

A pair of muscular arms groped my waist from nowhere and shifted me up until my toes could touch the ocean floor. Another hand gripped on my arm, guiding me until I could feel the familiar exterior of the surfboard and held onto it tight.

I gasped for air as soon as my body laid flat on the surfboard. Glancing over to my side, I found Stell, his arms still wrapped securely around my waist. While the grip on my other arm was no longer there. Stell and JP yanked me onto the shore and I nonchalantly rolled out of the board as soon it hit the beach.

I half-opened my eyes and found Stell's face pulled down in grimace. 

_"Dre, lessons' over. I'll take it from here. Thanks for the help."_ I heard him say before I felt the side of the surfboard got removed from under my arm and heard soft footsteps caving in the sand, walking away until I no longer heard it. He helped me up to my feet shortly after but I convinced him to stay a bit longer along the shore.

_"O ano, surf pa?"_ He said, looking into the sea but I could tell from the way his lips curved up that he was smirking.

I pursed my lips, embarrassment and frustration boiling. _"Don't scold. It looked easy."_

_"Sure."_ He sneered before turning to his side to face me, his elbows resting atop his knees _. "You okay?"_

_"Uhm hmm. JP was there..."_ I began but I cut myself off. Realization hit me a little too late. He cocked an eyebrow up and scowled.

_"JP? Si JP ba? Ako ang bumuhat sayo John Paulo Nase."_ He cried out and acted as though he was walking away so I held his hand and pulled him back beside me to which he complied, but still frowning. 

_"Joke lang kasi. Selos agad?"_ I snorted, clinging an arm around his nape and pulling him closer so I could give him a quick peck on the cheek. His ears turned red in an instant. He swatted my leg and didn't say a word, pulling me up as we went back to the cottage to have our meal.

* * *

At 4 PM, we were back at the resort for some free time, which we both decided to spend on taking a nap. It was a rather eventful day and we were dog-tired. A power nap sounded great at the moment. I set the alarm to 5:45 PM right after we took a nippy shower. I guesstimated 15 minutes would be enough to gear up for some parlor games at the garden by 6 PM. 

I woke up a few minutes ahead of my alarm and as expected, Stell was still snoring his ass off. I washed my face and brushed my teeth before changing into a more comfortable set of clothes. Surprisingly, Stell stirred awake not long after. We opted to go out and just hang around the garden or probably stroll along the beach until the start of the parlor games. 

The program commenced at exactly 6 PM and most of the games required to be executed by pairs. We scored the first game, a videoke challenge where we nailed a duet of " _Beautiful_ ", bagging us each Bolinao printed T-shirts and a couple bracelet made from sea shells. There was Newspaper Dance, _Pinoy Henyo_ , Calamansi Relay and a bunch of others which we no longer won.

The last game we played before dinner was called _Suck and Blow_ , a card relay game where your partner had to _suck_ in order to secure the card into his mouth and _blow_ on it to forward the card to the receiving partner.

It was already unnerving to begin with, not that I wanted to be competitive whatsoever. My unspoken dilemma materialized during the last few minutes of the game when time pressure and excitement overwhelmed me and I sucked in short of air as I relayed the card to Stell. The card slipped out of my mouth and lethargically plunged to the ground as Stell’s lips landed on mine. Everybody screamed but my world was spinning and went all black, and I could only make out of Stell’s face pressed into mine, his eyes wide with shock.

We broke apart after a few seconds and conceded, faces flushed. We lost the game yet everyone was rejoicing and sending us well wishes just the same. We went back to our table, laughing restlessly.

We wrapped up the program with a splendid boodle fight of all kinds of seafoods coupled with free-flowing liquor and excruciatingly brash Electronic Pop music booming from the huge speakers near the restaurant and everyone was singing and dancing with beers in their hands. I thrashed my hands over my head, indulging in the tumultuous merry-making of beautiful men-women who looked like beings from another world. 

An arm draped on my waist and whirled me around, including my vision that was already fuzzy from the alcohol. Stell smiled and pressed himself against me, his body swaying to the music. He stretched his arm above his head, mimicking me and chuckled, a little bit louder than necessary but nobody cared. Everyone was rowdy and high.

A couple more cans of liquor and I could already feel heat brewing up, I could already see fast phased neon lasers swirling in the air which smelled of beer and cigarette smoke and sweat. The waves in the ocean relinquished and drowned itself in the melody of the after-party; _but this heat._ I bit my lip hard and hissed, shuddering for touch, for friction.

I consumed the can of beer in two huge gulps and tossed it away, sending a mental apology to the cleaner before returning my focus on Stell. His face was flushed and he looked half-asleep but he was still dancing to the rhythm like a flower in the rain. He looked so beautiful.

_Heat. This heat._ I gritted my teeth and grabbed the sides of Stell’s shirt and pulled him even closer until our noses touched. I hooked my fingers on his belt hoops, making sure he could feel my crotch against his, and I bucked my hips forward. _Shit_.

I heard a low snarl from his lips before tugging my hand and dragging me away from the disorderly crowd until the ear-splitting noise dissipated in the cold tranquil air of our bedroom.

He locked the door and pinned me against the cool wooden surface, his eyes roaming around my face, his lips twitching. He leaned his face closer to mine and I could take in the scent of butter and beer from his warm breath.

_“I’ve been holding back since we were at the lake.”_ He whispered. _“I want to kiss you.”_

My breath hitched and my throat ran dry, but this was what I wanted. I waited five years for this. _Fuck it._

I slung my arms around his nape and crashed my lips against his. Tension, heat and alcohol sweltering in my system, emanating from my every pore. _Five fucking years._ I felt the corners of my eyes moist up and I brushed them quickly aside with the back of my hand.

I sucked on his bottom lip, licking and nibbling and ravaging back onto his mouth, blocking his moans within his throat. I darted my tongue, prodding the insides of his mouth until he opened them and I slithered in, abandoning all traces of inhibitions at the party outside.

_“I want you.”_ I moaned against his lips, my voice cracking with immeasurable desire _. “I want you so much”._

_“Uhmp…Pau...”_ He whispered back as his hands began to trek all over my body.

Every touch of his was liquid fire against my tensed skin. I returned those touches, skimming around his torso, feeling the lumps of hard muscle in his abdomen with the pads of my thumb. My hands roamed lower, fumbling for his belt buckle and for a fleeting moment, I felt him stiffen. I unhooked his belt, just as Stell’s breathing became fiercely ragged, his body trembling.

_“Stell? What’s wrong?”_ I asked as I found myself staring at his bewildered expression.

All of a sudden, Stell screamed.


	9. UNPARALLELED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies once again for the long hiatus but welp, here we are again!
> 
> !!! CAUTION !!!
> 
> Before scrolling down, please take note of the following possible triggers:  
> Implied past sexual abuse, explicit language/swearing / mentions of physical injury

**STELL POV**

I remembered things like a childhood dream. We were at the garden party, being swept back and forth against a sea of warm and restless bodies, all tastefully swaying like those temple dancers from a light-year ago. The ocean breeze that swirled were a mixture of sweat and perfume made of nutmeg and French wine. The stars then were just a little above our heads, twinkling in a hazy glow.

My vision was fuzzy, but Pau’s face and the maneuver of his body, and the surprisingly urgent grip of his hands on the sides of my shirt, were all distinct in my eyes. I was sure as hell I was dancing and grinding my body against his too, that should we press any closer, our skins would meld into one soul.

Then there was this fire spreading all over my body, igniting every vein, every muscle. My face felt the burn, and everything was still misty and spinning and all I wanted was to disappear. I held Pau’s hand which was the only thing cold against the heat.

I dragged him away from that madness, and brought him to some place of a dark and restful sort; where the only sound I could make out was his delicate breaths and his heart beat that almost seemed to stir the fabric off his chest. That might have been mine as well, I couldn’t tell nor care.

He was by our bedroom door where I pinned him against, barricaded him between my arms. He looked tiny and frail like the same butterfly wing at the inland seas and his eyes were the silvered moon. I told him I wanted to kiss him, that I was holding back since we were at the turquoise lake and it couldn’t be any more genuine. There was a tear in his eye that he let trickle along his cheek and I would have kissed that if only he let me.

The next thing I knew, his hands pelted at the back of my neck and he was kissing me, bruising my lips like he wanted to own me; like he thirsted for it for god knows how long. We were kissing, unbreakable and deep, then unhurried and sweet, teeth and tongue contending. There was no rhythm and we reveled in it.

I wanted to kiss him tenderly like a song, but he kissed me like it was our last night together. I remembered the way his hands snaked from my shoulders onto my chest and to my body and it left me seared all over. His hands went down further and I wanted it like I desired nothing more. Hell, I wanted to lay him down the cold pavement and make love to him over there.

His hands glided down a little more, then there was the soft sound of a cheap metal unhinging from the buckle, then the strong tugging on my waist. For a fleeting moment, my heart seemed to have stopped beating and everything else fell ghost-quiet.

The next thing I knew, iced-cold needles began to prick on the skin from my scalp down that barred my movements. I was restricted by some invisible force and it reached for my neck like cold, skeletal hands pressing on my throat. I couldn’t breathe.

The air in my lungs bolted out but it got anchored somewhere in my throat and it hurt, _it hurt! I needed air! I couldn’t breathe!_

_Pau! What is happening? Can you hear me? Can you see me?_

Pau’s face began to darken until I tried to chase him with my hand, clawing on the disappearing image. The edges in my vision slowly blurred until it faded, until I couldn’t see anything. Everything that surrounded me was black and endless and suddenly, the Earth opened up and tossed and spiraled me into a blackness and I was spinning around a bottomless pit.

I was thrown somewhere, waiting to crash and feel pain, but instead, I found myself in a room; sitting on a small wooden chair bathed in bright Blue paint. I shifted to take a closer look but I couldn’t move. My hands were tied behind me and it started to tear on my skin as every movement, the nylon rope sunk against my wrists.

I cried in pain so I stopped fidgeting. Maybe if I didn’t move, it wouldn’t hurt anymore.

_Where was I?_

I recoiled when the sudden loud music reverberated within the white walls of the room. Noise was everywhere. I wanted to cover my ears with my hands but if I moved, it would hurt me again. I squeezed my eyes shut to drown the sound away.

**_Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus Lane._ **

**_Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pullin' on the reins._ **

_Butterflies. Lanterns. Christmas lights._

_Blue chair. Red eyes. Wet pants. Sweat._

**_Bells are ringin', children singin', all is merry and bright._ **

**_So hang your stockings and say your prayers 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight._ **

_It didn’t take long to recognize the familiar Christmas Carol that was blasting from the speakers of the huge stereo from the opposite side of the room. At this rate, nobody would be able hear us even if I screamed. No! I closed my eyes in fear._

**_Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus Lane._ **

**_He's got a bag that's filled with toys for boys and girls again._ **

**_“Here comes Santa.”_ ** _Said the voice that I was all too familiar with. Santa. My sixth grade teacher. He said he was Santa, but he had no red suit on. He had no white beard nor a bag full of goodies. He was humming through crooked, yellowish teeth, he was smiling. Santa was closing in._

**_Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle, oh what a beautiful sight._ **

**_So jump in bed, and cover your head, 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight._ **

**_"Don't be silly. This wouldn't hurt."_ ** _He said._

**_"This wouldn't take long."_ ** _He said._

**_"Don't be scared, child. I'll take care of you."_ ** _He said._

_I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. Santa was closing in. No!_

**_Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus Lane._ **

**_He'll come around when chimes ring out, it's Christmas time again._ **

_"No Sir! Stop! Stop!"_ I flailed my short legs in the air in an attempt to keep him from coming near but I was small and weak. His hands were huge and veiny and gripped like cast iron against my legs.

I cried and cried and cried some more but he never listened and nobody heard. My throat hurt from screaming until I got tired, but I fought with all my might. The next thing I could hear, aside from the Christmas carol, was the sound of my belt buckle and the unzipping in the air. With the last ounce of strength, I screamed until there was nothing left to scream.

**_“Stell? What’s wrong?!”_ **

There was another voice, but it definitely wasn’t Santa’s. Then I was shaking again. I felt a strong grip pressing on my shoulders and I was trembling. _No!_

**_“Stop! Stop! Tangina get away from me!”_** I yelled and thrashed from side to side, trying to shake the grip off my body.

I felt the strength rushing back to me and suddenly, my hands were free. So, with all my might, I pushed the predator away and hurled him out of my sight.

**_“Ah!”_** Yelled the voice of the predator as soon as his back slammed against the steel edge of the bed frame and he slumped onto the floor.

I was breathing strenuously, running after that mouthful of air that I couldn’t get a hold of. My mouth was parched and my eyes heated up, my shoulders rapidly rose and dropped. Beads of sweat trickled from my forehead and along my back until my shirt’s been soaked and it mapped itself against my body.

My hands reached for my knees, both were trembling from fright and the turmoil and the looming triumph to the thought of having to fight a monster away. I closed my eyes again and tried to still my breathing and the tremors in my skin. I tried to keep my mouth moist but with much labor, I did until I could already swallow a spit.

My breathing steadied shortly after and the blackness in my vision gradually began to wither, dispelling with it was the terrifying face of the demon along with the children’s classroom that was his hell.

Once again, I found myself in our bedroom.

**_“Stell…”_ **

A disgruntled voice cried for my name. I straightened up and wandered my eyes around the dimmed room and took in the scent of the cold air swirling up and about. Then there was a hunched figure across the cold, tiled floor, curled up in a ball, arms struggling to extend as it seemed to reach out to where I stood.

**_“Pau!”_** Stunned for a second, I cried as I rushed over to him. **_“Sorry Pau, sorry!”_**

I cautiously hooked his arm around my shoulder, my one hand enclosed his waist and I gently lifted him to his feet, guiding him towards his bed. His mouth slightly twitched in what I could only perceive was pain.

As soon as I settled him on the mattress, I went and rummaged through the freezer to grab some ice cubes and placed them inside an ice-pack that I found from the first aid cabinet. My hands trembled as I clenched the cold item, sputtering curses under my breath. Guilt and panic filled my frenzied thoughts to the brim.

**_“Dapa ka muna Pau.”_** I offered as I tried to steer clear off his gaze while I steadied my shivering fingers.

**_“No, it’s okay. I’m okay. I’ll be fine.”_** He said with a soft but firm voice, contrary to the pain smeared on his face.

I sat on the mattress, slowly inching my way beside him as I hoisted the hem of his shirt on the backside and swallowed at the sight of a dark Red stripe on his lower back that swelled a little. I was certain it would bruise the following day and I pursed my lips at the thought that I caused him this. He whimpered as the coldness of the ice-pack kissed his swollen skin.

I must have flinched when Pau held my quivering hand and clasped it tenderly. With too much reluctance and little energy, I lifted my head up to meet his eyes, swamped with distress and weighted by questions.

He, for certain, was going to ask, and I wouldn’t be able to answer. I wasn’t too keen on speaking about it with anyone.

I looked away once again, kept my eyes fixed on the ice-pack as I opened my mouth to apologize.

**_“Sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. Hindi ko sinasadya Pau. Sorry.”_** My own voice betrayed me as it cracked in between words and Pau was quick to caress my hand.

**_“I know.”_** He said softly. ** _“I know. But what just happened there?”_**

I could feel his stare puncturing holes into me and I curved my head even lower. My lip began to quiver as I ransacked my brain for an answer. It was that question that even I had been asking myself for the last sixteen years.

_What happened there?_

_What’s wrong with you?_

_Are you sick?_

_Are you fucking psycho?_

**_“I…can’t tell you. I’m sorry.”_** was all I mustered.

I was thankful enough that he didn’t withdraw his hand from mine despite the long and deep sigh that escaped his lips.

**_“Stell, if we’re going to commit ourselves to each other…”_** he started in a breathy voice, then paused; seemingly battling to find the proper words as his mouth gaped and closed. **_“I think, I need to know what’s bothering you. That was your bad dream, wasn’t it?”_**

A subtle ache blossomed in my chest. Having been this close to him for five years made it all the more gruelling to hold things back. He could see through me and I had nowhere to hide.

Restless, sleepless, eyes swollen from fresh tears, disheveled hair and more, he had seen me in all of these because of the horrors that plagued me at sleep. All of which he would shun away by holding my hands, or running his fingers through my hair while he charmed me to slumber through the songs he penned.

He never asked what my dreams were about. He just knew he had to calm me down.

But now, he was finally asking, and I found myself facing a dead-end wall.

**_“Yeah…but”_** I nodded. _**“I still can’t tell you.”**_

I kept my gaze down as I let the words spill out. I wanted to see his eyes, his lips and the expression on his face. He must probably look worried and I wanted to kiss those away. I wanted to kiss him badly and let him know I like him. I wanted to say a lot of things, but I let the stillness reign and drown all the words in my mind until it got washed to somewhere far from where I could find them.

_I like you Paulo. I like you so much. But this wasn’t the right time._

**_“Pau.”_** I whispered, and he replied by thumbing circles on my palm. I took a deep breath and secretly wished I could exhale all the bad dreams away. **_“I…we, need space.”_**

His thumb stopped brushing.

My breathing halted.

_Think_. I just needed time to think and meld the fragments of myself together. Pau deserved someone suitable, someone valuable, someone who could provide his needs. Someone not broken.

I couldn’t be that person yet. I had not healed, and I couldn’t tell when I could ever heal. But one thing’s sure, I now found the purpose to want to heal again, so that I could be with him soon. For now, I needed time to reestablish my sense of safety, trust and self-worth.

Pau vented another sigh.

**_“Alright.”_** He said, removing his hand from mine and I almost dreaded the loss of his touch.

**_“Thank you, Pau.”_** I mumbled, and only then did I look up and his head was bowed low, resting against his hand, rubbing his temples, lips pursed.

**_“So…do you need days? Weeks?”_ **

I bit my lip. I wished I knew how long it would take to heal.

**_“Honestly, I…I don’t know.”_** I said sincerely. There was no use putting up a white lie.

**_“Alright.”_** He replied that was almost a whisper which I could’ve missed if I didn’t pay attention. I choked at the wasted pang laced between his words. _**“I’m going to sleep na Stell.”**_

**_“Okay. I’m sorry ulit Pau.”_ **

He nodded as I gingerly settled him to bed and he turned his back from me. He moved rather slowly, must be wincing at the pain and the guilt formed a knot in my stomach.

Pulling the sheets over him and planting a kiss on his hair, I took a moment to stare at the man I struggled not to hurt for the second time.

My breath scraped my lungs and my heart while I quietly climbed over to my bed and allowed a tear to escape from my eye as I lulled myself to sleep.

///

We woke up the following day to the sound of fervent knocks flogging our door and the squeals in the hallway who could be nobody else other than Lesley and Nana.

Pau perched on the bed and stretched, frowning from the pain in his back. I insisted to apply some menthol ointment on the area that had since turned into a bluish-purple mark before offering to help him organize his things. We went out shortly after to spend our last breakfast at the garden.

Just like the last two mornings, the two of us sat at our favorite spot where the makeshift table that surrounded the perimeter of the tree sported cracks and uneven carvings. However, the Ruby-colored varnish made it seem like an old, rich piece of furniture.

Not too long after, buttered garlic rice, bacons and eggs were served on two separate trays together with two small cups of coffee. They were relatively small, unfortunately not enough to indulge my daily caffeine requirement.

Pau and I ate silently, tossing glances to the beach every so often and I wondered what was running through his mind.

**_“Uy, mga kuya!”_** Lesley’s voice echoed from behind us, accompanied by an even tinier squeak that came from Nana. I wiped my lips with a napkin before turning and smiling at the younger girls staying at the opposite tree.

**_“Ang tahimik nyo po ngayon. LQ kayo ni Kuya Pau?”_** Nana chimed in and my ears heated up. Sometimes, I wished I could flick their ears for being too nosey.

**_“Ah, no. Puyat lang kami. Antok pa hehe. Kayo talaga.”_ **

Nana made a face at me, which Pau failed to see. Probably an indication that she didn’t buy my alibi although she no longer threw follow up questions and continued eating. I felt relieved.

I took a glimpse at Pau who never said a word about the whole thing. He merely continued eating silently as he kept his gaze at the rolling waves in the ocean. It reminded me of two nights ago, where we held each other close at the shoreline.

**_“Stroll tayo sa beach after?”_** I said as soon as I finished my meal.

He paused mid-sipping on his coffee and stared at me for a moment. I almost sulked at the thought that he would dismiss my invitation, but my face lit up after he gave a small nod. We walked towards the coastline right after clearing up our table.

I let him walk a few steps ahead of me. He folded his pyjamas around the middle of his shin and carried his slippers in one hand, leisurely strolling bare feet in the long strip of Pearl sands. The cold waters kissed his feet and he hopped each time, trying to sway against the ripples. He looked as though he was dancing, like he belonged to the sea. With his beauty, I wouldn’t doubt if he was a Mer-Prince from one of my deep-sea dreams.

He stopped walking and dropped his slippers on the side before perching down on the wet sand. The waves soaked his pyjamas and the hem of his sweater and he let them. I sat beside him, ever carefully so, fearing that if I made some noise, he would go away and never return.

We kept quiet all throughout, exchanging glances for whenever a huge mist from the boulders rained upon us and we giggled at the droplets on our faces that looked like tears. Still, apart from the chirping of the birds and the gigantic waves, nobody spoke for a long time.

I reached out my hand to him and propped him on his feet when it was time to go.

We checked out and boarded the van back to Manila at exactly 11 in the morning. We made a brief stopover at Bolinao Church and prayed for safe travels before taking another stop about after a mile or two to have lunch.

Because it was a Sunday, the commute had been smooth since there wasn’t much traffic. After almost exactly a six-hour ride, we safely reached Trinoma where we were dropped off at the taxi bay near the supermarket. There was little gloom as we bade each other goodbye to the new friendships that blossomed during the last three days.

But gloom wasn’t made known to the new happy couple Lesley and Nana as they hugged me and Pau and teased us continuously to kiss and make up already. They both squealed as they waved at us and left while holding each other’s hands.

**_“Sana all masaya.”_** I murmured absentmindedly as I stared at the two young girls disappear into the corner of the mall. Pau chuckled lightly from behind me, startling me.

**_“So paano? I’ll go ahead?”_** Pau asked, though he seemed uncertain whether he wanted to go. Even the smile on his face seemed unsure. I fiddled for a bit and shook my head.

**_“Let me walk you home.”_** I offered despite the evident finality in my tone.

He blinked at me twice, making sure whether he heard me correctly.

**_“Uhh, what about space though?”_** He stammered.

**_“I’m on VL for another week. I will miss you. Please let me walk you home?”_** I said and I suddenly wanted to trace the line of pale pink flush along his supple cheeks.

**_“Okay.”_** He shrugged, and even the slight drop of his shoulders looked graceful.

We walked side by side throughout the twenty five-minute distance from the mall to his apartment. The back of his hand kept brushing against my skin as we moved and in one moment of sheer meekness, I held it and meshed it between my fingers. The familiar warmth off his feeble hands surged currents across my skin.

We reached his apartment complex not too long after, taking relatively slow steps up the flight of stairs, as though we were shackled by time and gravity.

We stood clumsily in front of his door as he began to fumble for the keys in his pocket. For a handful of times, his fingers wobbled and missed the keyhole, and it made me want to kiss his jitters away.

I discarded my bags on the floor and yanked his wrists. My other hand found his waist and cradled it around delicately, drawing his body closer to mine until the tips of our noses touched. His warm jasmine breath fanned against my face, and I leaned in closer.

He closed his eyes, looking ethereal when his skin glistened from the orange light dawned by the twilight sky. I pressed my lips on his, the kind that sweetly sat on the tip of our tongues and tasted like a slow love song. There were no turquoise lakes; no enchanted caves, no white-gold shorelines. But the calm that Pau’s lips brought to my soul was an unparalleled kind of calm I never knew I existed.


	10. CAFFEINATED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filler chapter purely in Pau's POV.  
> Sorry for the long break. Still in a slump.

**PAU POV**

The oddly comforting scent of smoke and caffeine nuzzled my senses, coupled with the raucous sounds emitted by car engines and urgent footsteps from the flock of people that littered in the crossroads. Some hurrying pedestrians bumped against me, to and fro while crossing the streets. 

_Manila_. While it has already been three days since I came back to Manila and reported to the office, my thoughts of the turquoise lake and the full moon at the beach were anything but dying. 

The sun hasn’t been up yet at this moment. Even when I couldn’t check the time, it was still obviously too early for work, but nonetheless my ordinary.

I went past the last crossroad and knew exactly where I was headed, just like what I had been accustomed to for the last eight years. The wind chime resonated within the confines of the small coffee shop when I yanked the glass door open. A smile momentarily stretched on my lips at the cashier who greeted me with a huge grin on her face. She lifted her hand over to me for a high five, which I found rather amusing, but I smacked it back anyway. 

**_“Good morning Sir Pau!”_ **Mich said in her daily high and enthusiastic pitch. Customers and her colleagues loved her for it, I could see. 

**_“Good morning Mich. Usual please.”_ **I responded casually with a smile, not that I didn’t find her energy contagious but I was ridiculously sleepy still. I honestly could use some vicious kicking quantities of caffeine in my nerves. 

**_“Grabe Sir Pau,”_ ** she smirked sheepishly as she punched my order into her computer. I threw her a brief questioning glance. **_“_ ** _**Ayaw** **nyo** **po** **ba** **i** **-try** **yung** **iba** **sa menu** **namin** **?”** _

I chuckled and shook my head. **_“Thanks. I love my coffee as it is. No offense.”_ ** I answered as I fished out a bill from my wallet and handed it over to her. She took it and punched in again on her cash register at expert speed. 

**_“Nice_** ** _naman._** ** _Sana all po loyal_** ** _ano_ ** **_?”_ ** she frowned jokingly. 

I paused, and eventually shrugged. **_“I guess? Nothing tests loyalty like time.”_ ** I countered, and for some reason, there was pride in my statement. Loyalty meant the world to me, and if loving the same person for the last half-decade isn’t loyalty, I don’t know what is. I glanced at my phone and it seemed I still have more than an hour left to spare, and which reminded me that I was in fact, starving. **_“Can you get me one Roasted Chicken Pesto din? For here, by the way.”_ **

**_“Sure thing, Sir Pau.”_ **

After receiving my change and my receipt, I walked my way to the first table near the counter and settled myself comfortably. My phone instantly got connected to the café's Wi-Fi. While pensively browsing on my social media news feed, Mich appeared and swiftly served my drink and food, rapidly walking away to return to her post. 

**_“_ ** **_Mich_** ** _,”_ ** my mouth involuntarily blurted out. She whirled around, with a little hint of surprise in her eyes but whether she felt interrupted, the smile on her face told me otherwise. She nodded to urge me to continue whatever it was that I wanted to ask when a long pause came in between. **_"Why do you think people need space?”_ **

Her mouth shaped into a small circle with an amused expression but she closed it again, looking as though she was deep in thought for a moment. 

**_“Hmm, to soul search? Cliché. Uh, what else,”_ ** she stalled briefly. **_“to think, rest, or maybe recover from something?”_ **

I nodded and smiled. She gestured an okay sign and excused herself to return to her post and I let her. I finished my sandwich after a few minutes and left to report to the office. 

* * *

I busied myself with work the whole day. I’d take time to chat with my teammates every so often to mitigate work strains and pressure, recounting my surreal three-day Bolinao trip. They marveled at how bewitching the beach was especially at night, the majestic lighthouse, the serene river cruise, the mystic lake, and the enchanting cave. Ever so carefully choosing the ones I could divulge, not letting them know that Stell was on the same trip as I was. 

_Stell. How are you doing? I miss you._

Since the day I came back to work, I’ve steered clear from glancing over to his workstation. Not seeing him there deserts a stab in my chest. I miss him. I miss him a lot, and if only the force of my fingers smashing against my keyboard could alleviate that twinge in my core, I would let it on for days. It took a lot of my will power not to recall whatever happened between the two of us that weekend. Because once I pulled the plug out and let those memoirs outpour unfailingly, I’d be powerless and crushed once again. 

But I could only endure so much. 

Begrudgingly, I wheeled my head towards his workstation, and even when I knew there wasn’t any Stell to suddenly materialize out of thin air, my shoulders still dropped in discontent. I could profess that I fought the impulse to abandon my desk and close the small gap between me and his swivel chair. But here I was, slowly sinking into his seat with a hint of bitterness in my tongue, perching my arms on its armrest and feeling its length as though it were his arms, his hands. I leaned my back against his favorite pillow in the shape of a banana, and imagined it was his body behind my back, where he could cage me within his arms. 

As expected of him, his workstation was all sleek and orderly, albeit a flimsy veil of dust was beginning to collect on the surface. I grabbed a couple of sheets of wet tissues and polished the exterior off meticulously until it looked better. Knowing he would like it spotless, a smile curved along my lips. 

I would have left already and gone back to my post after that, but this bright yellow sticky note pinned in the center of his small corkboard, which hung on the side of his panel begged for my attention. Looking at it closer, it had an adorable sketch of a smiling sun, some wavy lines stretched below it, which I deemed would be the ocean. In between the sun and the water was a multicolored handwriting that scribbled the word _“_ _Bolinao_ ”. 

_Stell. How are you doing? I miss you._

This was no good. With a puff of restless air, I knew I needed some caffeine. _Again._ I hurried to the pantry with my tumbler and earphones on both hands, after excusing myself from Ma’am JD, our substitute TL for the week. 

I fixed myself some black, sugarless coffee, settled myself in one corner, and corked my earphones on. _Beautiful_ by Bazzi floated in my system. In synch with the tempo, I opened my gallery with mildly trembling fingers and selected the Bolinao album. Stell and I had a handful of photos together. Mostly endearing ones, nothing too intimate. But I had a few photos of me which he captured himself. It was back at the lighthouse, where I remember him saying I looked so beautiful that he wished he could paint me. It was one of those rare moments I wished to cherish day and night. 

_Stell. How are you doing? I miss you._

My mind aimlessly strayed to the memory of the bedroom where I kissed him, and where he kissed back. I could tell he wanted me too that one wicked night, until that, that nightmare. There was flourishing desire in his eyes when we kissed, that which eventually bolted into fright and alarm when I started touching his body, when I tried to undress him. His eyes were glassy, as though he was bedazzled, seeing things I couldn’t and he was so stiff. His hands on mine were grips of ice while his face split into a look of dread until he flailed and hurled me off the floor. 

I jerked my head roughly, praying it could rid myself of those appalling images. I scrambled to break free from those until I made it to that scene where he kissed me in my apartment under the auburn-hued afterlight, before we finally said goodbye. And here we were now. 

I closed the gallery and after some thought, opened the messenger app. A green dot flashed under his icon that indicated he was online. _When he was this close yet he was also this far._ My thumb shuddered as it hovered on to our chatbox. Somewhere at the back of my head, I could hear Mich’s voice repeating the words _think, rest, recover._ I kept still, contemplating. 

Not long after, I sighed and put my phone down. I miss him terribly, but I needed to respect his space. 

I wished I knew what was going on, at least. He needed not to tell me but from the fear marked all over his face that night, I somehow had an idea, and it hurt me just thinking about it. If only I was capable of kissing and loving all those fears away I would. 

We all have scars from the past, each has different depths, different stories. But couldn’t we kill those painful memories by creating newer, better ones? 

Five years ago, I swore to be always there for Stell, no matter what he does, no matter what he said. No matter what happens and that promise still stands. But I’d wait until he’s ready to tell me everything. I’ll let him have his rest and let him heal at his own pace. 

I guzzled the last drops of coffee from my tumbler, re-filled it with cold water, and went back to my workstation. 

* * *

With some streak of luck, I completed my tasks for the day rather quickly, and I still had a few more minutes left before dismissal. My fingers twitched and restlessly tapped against my desk. I had been thinking about this since the coffee break. 

I opened an excel file and summated the number of my vacation leaves that were carried over from last year together with my remaining vacation leaves I had for this year. I have a lot, to be honest, so much that I could book another out of town trip. But frankly, I just missed home, my family. I hadn’t gone home for a month and right now, I could really make use of some motherly embrace. Maybe she could read me some kids’ stories again and tell me about dreams and making friends and first love. 

After less than a second of contemplation, I decided to file three leaves for the coming week. I sent Ma’am JD a message, asking whether she could approve my request and which she agreed to nicely. However, she reminded me to inform Stell about it. 

I glanced at my phone once more, and pondered, supposing that I should text him. I mean, I would just let him know about the leaves, right? It wouldn’t hurt, right? I stared at my phone for a few good minutes and pitched it inside my bag. Nope. Not now. He would find out when he comes back anyway. 

As the clock struck 5 PM, I hoisted my backpack and sprinted towards the exit. I thought about which dish to cook for dinner, or maybe I could just drop by some convenience store and get myself a microwaveable again. I mulled over which movie to sleep out on, or new music to listen to, anything really. Anything would do right now, as long as it kept my mind off of Stell, even just for tonight. 


	11. THUNDERSTORM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I'm shifting to a 3rd party POV here. I felt like I could narrate it better this way.  
> 2\. Chapter is Stell focused.  
> 3\. The start of the chapter was set during the first day of Stell's extended VL. You may find it confusing and I apologize so let me spoil that one already.  
> 4\. The song being played in the first part was Mariposa by Peach Tree Rascals, the one from Stell's birthday Tiktok hehe.  
> 5\. Thanks, mamsh Ems for the prompt idea. More of that next chapter.  
> 6\. Used some lyrics from Nana's "Save Me" , a song she created in dedication to Notice Me, Senpai! in Stell's POV. Thank you mamshie-chan!

_Would you know the color of the ocean, whenever the sun smolders somewhere up there, and the white light bursts into jewels? Doesn’t it mimic the eyes that were seduced by the sun, like a star that erupts into a supernova? Would you know what that color was? Because it was the most captivating one that Stell has ever seen. And that was the color of Pau’s eyes when the sun blushed overhead and little beams of light dawned on him, making his face glow like a demigod._

Pau had always been that beautiful to him. But even more so when he smiled under the sun, his beauty is unrivaled. 

Pulling out from the depths of Stell’s lungs was a long and desolate sigh. _“_ **_Six more days.”_ ** **** Stell breathed. 

He couldn’t even tell why unplugging the earpiece from his phone seemed like a chore. Even when he turned the volume on, and the alterna-jazz beat and soothing voice of the singer from his playlist hung low in his bedroom, his hands felt nothing. 

Stell meekly turned his head out the window when suddenly, it rained. Huge drops struck against the metal roofing of his room. He could tell how violent the rainfall was, as the music he had been listening to had long since reduced to a hum, muted by the downpour. 

Stell sang along with his eyes closed, and he could hear his voice croaking, battling against the noise outside. 

_“_ **_I’ve been running from it, tired of running from it. Scared of feeling something, now I'm stuck here tryna get up outta this hole...”_ ** Stell almost yelled the lyrics, fending off the looming ache from his chest. The kind of pain that outran the blood in his veins, and so much that it restrained him from getting out of bed. Silently, he prayed that Pau could hear his whispered messages through the storm. 

But Stell still smiled, slightly wrenching his fingers against the fabric of his shirt. His other free hand nimbly held the freshly printed photo of Pau, and fanned the paper above his face, against the dim light in his room. It’s his favorite photo, the one he took of Pau back at the Lighthouse. 

Pau’s beauty was beyond words, and the sincerity in his smile magnified that beauty by a hundred mile. Especially when Stell knew that the reason for that smile was him. 

**_“_** ** _Pau_** ** _, I miss you.”_ **Stell whispered, staring fondly at the photo before placing it over his lips and pressing a soft kiss. That moment, he wished it was real. 

Stell would’ve wanted that every day, being the reason behind that smile. When Pau tucks his hair behind his ear and his eyes disappear into a thin line, his braces glowing as bright as his face, Stell loved that. He loved seeing that smile every time. 

If only he wasn’t the reason behind Pau’s tears too. 

Pau is that person that Stell may have always loved, only unheard and unseen. It was probably the only thing he was good at, hiding in the dark. 

He thought, if only he was born into a different body; like any other person in the room, or in the streets, someone without a shadow tailing from his youth that he kept fleeing away from, in one way or another, things might have been more bearable. 

But he wasn’t a different someone, he’s just Stell. A person whose days were birthed from thunderstorms that cried poisonous rain. Someone who would unwittingly scorch people when they come close around his turf, just because he didn’t know how to kill the fire. Someone who had been crying out for years, someone being haunted in his dreams. Stell never wanted any of those. 

If only he could stop this venom from consuming the caverns of his body, he would have done that a long time ago. But it was easier said than done. 

Some memories were simply deep-rooted in your flesh and bones, like ocean and tides, they were inseparable. They become part of you, and you don't get to choose it. You could not refuse it, nor could you return it. You bear them without so much of an option. 

What’s worse was when those memories were that powerful to make you feel unworthy. 

Stell carefully placed the photo on top of his chest, right around the spot where his heart furiously pounded, and closed his eyes. His aimless wits were swamped with thoughts of Bolinao. Maybe, somehow, it could help him sleep a little more peacefully tonight. 

* * *

**_“Pau?”_ **Stell stood outside the small room along the darkened hallway, drawing gentle knocks while his ear slightly flattened against the door of Pau’s apartment unit. He called from outside, once, twice, three times. Still, aside from the resident odd-eyed cat that affectionately twirled around his leg, nothing else greeted him but dead air. 

Stell sighed. **_“When are you coming back, Pau?”_ ** He turned and perched his arms along the cold balustrade just outside Pau’s room. Scanning his eyes around the complex, Stell wondered why the street was almost empty, save for some bustling _sari-sari_ _stores_ , when it was barely a few minutes before 6 PM. The sun had not even entirely dipped below the horizon. 

Pale orange light from the worn-down lamp posts drenched the alley, spilling a touch of color onto the dreary canvass. _Maybe it was time to go home_ , Stell thought. Tomorrow, he would try again. 

It wasn’t like Stell had a choice, but the entire week prior, he aimed to make himself useful during his seven-day break. He had kept himself occupied somehow, and beamed in pride as he prevailed his goal. If he wasn’t enslaved with house errands, he could be found in his bedroom, reading books or watching movies with a bowl of fresh strawberries and a glass of milk on the side. Otherwise, he would be perfecting his pastries and cakes, a newly-discovered happy distraction which he so eagerly involved himself in. 

At night time, just before he retires to bed, he would shut the lights out, burn a perfumed candle before quietly sitting atop his bed, palms pressed together, listening to his breaths for a good twenty minutes. One delightfully powerful avenue he recently uncovered through hours and hours of internet research on how to mitigate stress was through meditation. Surprisingly, he felt as though he gained a new perspective towards challenging circumstances that helped to keep himself focused on the present. 

Eventually, he noticed a gradual increase in his patience and tolerance, as well as longer, more tranquil hours of sleep. The feeling of calm was foreign to Stell, and he blissfully embraced this feeling. 

Nonetheless, Stell knew he needed to seek professional help sooner or later, and he wanted to let Pau take a peek of the progress he had been making. Pau would be proud of him; he was so sure. 

_Baby steps, Stell, baby steps._ He would usually chant to himself after ten deep breaths. 

He felt content with how well he seemed to be adapting to his new activities, yet at the end of the day, with each time he took a pause, he silently wished Pau was right there with him. He was a gearless machine with the absence of Pau’s voice and touch. During those moments, he yearned for nothing but Pau’s presence; and days went on and seemed more dragging than they already were. 

Come Saturday, Stell no longer understood why he had been holding himself back from seeing Pau. After several rounds of tossing and turning in his bed, he scampered straight out of their house and into Pau’s apartment, only to find it unlit and empty. 

**_“Umuwi siguro_** ** _yun_** ** _ng Cavite._ ** **_”_ ** **** He mumbled under his breath yet he was hopeful. Thus, he came back the following day, even bringing a small box of cheesecake and a sealed cup of Dalgona Milo, both of which he made himself. **_“Sayang naman ‘to.”_ ** looking dejectedly at his plastic bag. 

Again, he went back home disappointed, letting his younger sister Rose Jean, snack on the cake and drink. He nonchalantly watched her finish the meal, getting interrupted with sporadic thoughts of regret. 

**“** ** _Kainis! Ayaw ko na ng space,_** ** _hnngg_** ** _.”_ **He pouted and groaned a little louder than necessary. His sister looked at him, confused but smiling. 

**_“Anong sinasabi mo Kuya?”_ ** **** _Rose giggled._

**_“Wala. Lumamon ka na lang dyan.”_ ** _Stell commanded._

**_“Text mo na kasi Kuya.”_ **she urged, still giggling. 

**_“Hoy, hoy!_** ** _Saan_** ** _mo_** ** _natututunan_** ** _yan_** ** _?_** ** _Sumbong_** ** _kita_** ** _kay mama.”_ **He warned with a loving look in his face before messing her hair. 

* * *

Stell finally came back to work that Monday, all fidgety and restless, though it must have been from the large fix of black coffee he had for breakfast. The overwhelming anticipation he felt from thoughts of seeing Pau again, as well as holding his hand, suddenly dwindled into distaste when Pau had not shown up at half past 8 AM. Pau was never late for work. 

The wave of emotions from thrill to disappointment, had boiled down to sudden distress upon learning about Pau’s three-day leave from his colleague JD. 

**_“Wait, so he_** ** _didn’t tell you? Niremind ko_** ** _naman_** ** _siya to inform you about it_** ** _eh. I’ll talk to him when he_** ** _comes_** ** _back on_** ** _Thursday_ ** **_.”_ ** JD told Stell, incredulously. 

**_“Ah_ ** **_no need JD. Uhm_ ** **_, nagtext nga yata sya. Nalimutan ko lang._ ** **_Sorry. Thank you.”_ ** **** Stell lied. 

There was a bit of sting in his chest knowing that Pau deliberately kept this matter from him, granting the fact that he couldn’t blame him the same way. Pau must have thought of cutting all forms of communication with him during this so-called “space” that Stell asked for, thus he had no other option but to understand. 

* * *

Stell’s shift rolled by rather swiftly, keeping himself absorbed with work just so he could sprint out of the office as soon as he finished and could proceed straight to Pau’s apartment. He couldn’t tell whether or not Pau was back in his unit, but he couldn’t care less. 

Stell had been coming back and forth of Pau’s apartment since Saturday, and today marked his fourth, consecutive failed attempt. While he knew Pau had been regularly going back to his hometown in Cavite during weekends, Stell couldn’t bring himself to merely witness hours go by without checking up on Pau. He was hoping to see him at least but he hadn’t succeeded even once. 

Finally, he reached out for his phone and decided to send a message, yet even before he could do so, he was notified of Pau’s latest My Day post. He frowned. Since when had Pau gained any interest with social media anyway? Stell, as curious as he was, tapped on Pau’s icon and regretted the action in an instant. His mouth ran dry. 

_**“**_ ** _Puta,”_ ** he cursed in his mildly trembling voice. " ** _Ano_** ** _‘to...”_ **Stell spat at no one in particular as soon as a photo of Pau and Ken, merrily spending a meal together, popped in his screen. 

With fingers gripping firmly against the cold rail and a clenched jaw, Stell found himself bolting out of the apartment complex. His palms were moist and his chest pulsed in an unwanted haste and to be honest, he didn’t know what he was doing. He just needed to get out of there, fast. 

Not long after the sun had finally set and nightfall arose, Stell was squeezing himself in within a cramped shuttle service bound for Cavite. He knew their vehicle was trapped in the thick of rush-hour traffic. He didn’t even have the slightest idea where to stay the night, yet it was in the least of his concerns. In his hand, he held his phone unlocked, with Pau and Ken’s photo still flashing brightly on his screen. 


	12. COMING HOME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to update once a week, kinda difficult especially for someone as lazy as me hehe.  
> Enjoy the fluff (≧◡≦) ♡
> 
> BTW, Congrats SB19xATIN Top 3 Billboard Social 50 and Top 7 Billboard Emerging Artists!!!

For what it was worth, Stell could no longer recall how long he had been standing motionless outside the gate. Five minutes? Ten? Might even be twenty, yet it seemed that he was still far from certain about which step he needed to take next. Stell wasn’t an idiot. He knew exactly what he went here for, but he couldn’t find the conviction to deliver that simple task. 

Time was running, and a number of people already went past him, and while the strange looks they had thrown at Stell surely weren’t unassuming, it wasn’t something to worry much about. Some generously asked whether he needed any help whatsoever, that which he would politely decline every now and then. Stell smiled and found it thoughtful. 

Over a handful of times, Stell would lift his hand into a ball of fist. Yet even before his fingers could connect to the metal gate and knock, which was the most sensible thing to do, he would lose his nerve and stop, for the nth time. _Dumbass_ _!_ _You dumbass!_ _You came all the way to Cavite_ _to_ _act like_ _a pussy_ _,_ _Ajero_ _?_ He clicked his tongue in dismay. 

He knew very well that he had to get his act together since, to be honest, he had nowhere to go at this point. It was half-past 9 PM and the then-busy street would soon start to run out of people. 

Stell tried once again, and this time, after a lengthy and labored sigh, his fist pounded once against the gate. The second knock was abruptly halted in the air when the main door of the house unceremoniously swung open, spilling a silhouette of a man out. 

Stell choked a gasp inside his throat and froze in his spot, when the man came into clearer view as soon as the ginger glow from the nearby post illumined the man’s face. The comforting display of those soft, curly locks that had been neatly tied into a half-bun made his heart thump fiercely inside his chest. He shuddered a little when Pau’s eyes darted to his direction. 

_**“May tao po ba dyan? Sino po sila** ?_ _ **”**_ He heard Pau blurt out from the dark, and Stell could imagine Pau’s eyes squinting from confusion. 

Had Stell been weaker in his resolve, he would have slumped right at the roadside at the mere sound of that voice which he had awfully longed to hear for how many days. Stell leaned closer to the gate, his fingers clenched against the iron grills which felt cold under his palms. 

_**“Pau!”** _ Stell called with urgency. 

As though his feet got unwillingly anchored against the ground, Pau stood immobile in his tracks. He was certain it was Stell’s voice that he heard, but how could this shadowy form behind the gates be Stell? Surely there must be a mistake? His mind would have drifted that instant and ultimately forget about throwing the trash out, if not for the resident cats that chased and snarled around his feet, snapping him out of his wits. 

Pau turned on his heels to throw the huge plastic bag of garbage into the bin, flinging his plastic gloves along with it. He approached the main gate as soon as he was done with the chore, making his steps ever so guarded and slow. 

_**“Stell?”** _ Pau asked hopefully. 

_**“Pau!”**_ Stell called again. 

_**“What the hell? Anong ginagawa mo dito** _ _**?”**_ Pau asked as he unbolted the latch and opened the gate. He stood there with as much uncertainty as Stell had; the elevated pathway making Pau look like he was towering over Stell, who gazed at him timidly. 

He watched intently as Stell scratched the back of his neck with unease, and while it wasn’t Pau's intention to put him in an uncomfortable situation, he couldn’t deny that he found Stell cute in such a state. Stell’s little pout and fidgety hands made Pau want to pull him close and kiss him senseless right there and then, but of course that would’ve been rude. Instead, he took pleasure in his beauty as the subtle orange light poured down Stell’s face, looking like a fine piece of visual art. 

Stell cleared his throat. 

_**“Ano kasi, Pau,”** _ Stell began, gating the toe cap of his leather shoes against the pavement every so often. It didn’t help him either when Pau was watching his every move with fascination, grinning as he crossed his arms over his chest and patiently waited for Stell to open his mouth. He stammered. _**“Y-you were with Ken, today?”**_

For a moment, Pau could only gape at Stell in disbelief, his brain probably trying to process the unexpected question thrown his way, all before he started giggling. The tip of Stell’s ears swiftly turned pink. 

_**“Really, Stell? Dumayo ka** _ _**from North to South to ask me that?”**_ Pau asked in jest right after he had calmed himself down. The pink flush from Stell’s ear slithered across his entire neck, and he couldn’t be more grateful for the dim lighting. If he could only refute Pau’s claims in order to save face, he would have. But it would be pointless, at any rate, knowing that whatever Pau had said were not false. 

_**“Pau,”**_ Stell whimpered, cupping his own face between his hands in embarrassment. _**“Stop teasing.**_ _ **Pagod kaya ako sa byahe.”** _

The corner of Pau’s lips curved into a playful smirk. _Gago_ _,_ _ang_ _cute._ Pau thought as he took the opportunity to scan his eyes once at Stell’s somewhat disheveled form: messy hair, undone necktie, unbuttoned polo, folded sleeves, and a heavy-looking messenger bag that slumped across his body. Stell definitely looked cute earlier, but Pau couldn’t deny just how attractive Stell looked now. 

Stell must have noticed Pau’s wandering eyes and he looked down, and at that moment, Pau wished to know what was running through Stell’s mind. He pursed his lips, struggling to keep himself from filling his head with sensual thoughts. 

Finally, Pau opened the gates wide enough to welcome the both of them inside. Stell stepped into the garage, tossing glances to one corner as he took notice of a small wooden table where a few bottles of liquor lay on the surface. It was Pau’s family’s favorite corner, he recalled, where they usually held small celebrations through drinks and snacks and karaoke. He was invited to Pau’s younger sister’s birthday about four years ago, and they murdered the playlist from noon until night, just the two of them. Stell smiled warily at the memory. 

_**“So, I assume hindi ka pa nakapag-dinner** _ _**?”**_ Pau suddenly asked, pulling Stell back from the brink of his musing. Stell gently shook his head, leaving Pau sighing in dismay. _**“Tsk.**_ _ **Pasaway ka talaga. Tara pasok. Ako na lang ang gising eh.”** _

The two of them went inside quietly, careful not to make any sort of unwarranted noise. Pau guided Stell straight to the dining table and busied himself with preparing Stell's meal. 

Stell watched as Pau re-heated the leftover rice and a bowl of Sinigang and he paused, remembering the familiarity of the scene. He saw himself doing the same thing for Pau three years ago, at his apartment, tending to Pau patiently when he was down with fever. It was also during that rainy night when he confessed. Stell tipped back a smile, thinking how far they have gone, and he wondered how far they could still go. 

Stell ate quietly until halfway through dinner. He carefully settled both his spoon and fork down on either side of his plate to stare at Pau with anxious eyes. 

_**“So...,”**_ Stell began, opening his mouth a little, only to close them again. It happened on more than one occasion yet Pau waited patiently with a blank expression in his face that only added to Stell’s noticeable unease. Stell didn’t witness how Pau’s mouth subtly twitched to a knowing grin, seemingly amused at the sudden turn of events. 

Stell, once again, cleared his throat. 

_**“S-so…,”**_ Stell began to ask, which was almost a whisper that Sejun might have missed if he wasn’t paying enough attention. " _ **Magkasama nga kayo ni Ken kanina?”** _

Sejun smiled.

" _ **Stell, kumain ka na muna. Mamaya na natin pag-usapan.”** _

Disappointed at Pau’s answer, Stell straightened in his seat and sighed audibly. **“** _ **Oo at hindi lang naman ang sagot Pau.”**_

_**“Alam mo naman ang sagot diba? Nakita kong na-view mo yung My Day ko.”** _

Stell scowled and Pau watched in amusement as the other’s grip on his spoon and fork tightened until he could already make out the bluish veins appearing underneath Stell’s almond skin. 

How frustrating it was! The suspense didn’t sit well on Stell’s tongue, and he could definitely feel the knotting in his stomach but he was persistent, despite the fact that he might not even want to hear Pau’s answer at all. 

_**“Bakit kayo magkasama?”** _Stell insisted. 

_**“Stell** _ _**,”**_ Pau repeated patiently. " _ **Tapusin mo muna yang dinner mo and then we'll talk.”** _

At last, Stell shook his head in dismay and acknowledged his defeat. He continued eating, hastening his pace except when he cupped the bowl of Sinigang between his hands and gulped from it directly without any more hints of modesty. He gorged on the warm, tangy soup and savored its taste. If there was a chance that he would have his heartbroken after this meal, then might as well do it over a satiated belly. 

* * *

After placing an extra single-person mattress across the floor beside Pau’s bed, Stell deposited his bag at the foot and plopped on the cushion recklessly as though he was in his own room. Pau, on the other hand, perched along the edge of his bed, cross-legged, his chin resting between his thumb and forefinger. Silent and deep in thought, he intently watched Stell’s slumped figure, still covered in his corporate attire. 

Stell had tried to insist going back home to Quezon City but Pau didn’t let him, considering how late it already was. If he had not known better, Stell would most probably fall asleep along the way and Pau certainly had no intent to spend the night worrying about Stell’s safety. Thus, he remained steadfast. 

After a few minutes of back-and-forth altercation, Stell knew arguing was futile and once again, flung his hands in surrender. He knew well that whatever it was that he said was the opposite of what he sincerely wanted to happen. And right now, all he wanted was to stay inside Pau’s room and snuggle close. If that should even be possible. 

And so, Stell would be staying the night at Pau’s room. He sent a quick text message to his mom to let her know of his whereabouts and like any other tech-savvy mother of the modern times, he received a reply of approval. 

**“K”.** Stell’s mom answered, making Stell snort in humor. 

_**“May baon ka** __**bang damit?”**_ Pau asked, making Stell turn his head over to Pau, though remaining flat on the bed. Stell shook his head. _**“Okay. Pahiramin na lang**_ _ **kita ng pamasok.”** _

_**“Hindi ako papasok bukas.”** _Stell answered, his voice muted against the bedsheet. _**“Mag Sick leave na lang ako.”**_ __

Pau nodded without any intention of interrogating further, though he must admit that he was curious. Stell was never that type of employee who misses work regardless of how spent he got from all his obligations. But Pau didn’t care at this point. Stell, spending the night in his room and not reporting to the office the following day meant more time to spare with him, and it was more than enough. Perhaps, it wouldn’t hurt to be selfish once in a while, would it? 

Stell turned over the mattress, propping on his elbow for weight support so he could sit and meet Pau’s eyes. 

_**“So...,”**_ Stell began, intending to resume his case, but he was cut off when Pau spoke, drowning his voice into the void. 

_**“Yes.”** _Pau said with conviction. _**“Yes, magkasama kami ni Ken kanina. Nag-merienda kami sa mall. But!”**_ Pau continued, making sure he emphasized the last word. _**“It wasn’t a date, okay? If that’s what you’re thinking.”**_ __

For a fleeting moment, Stell let out a small sigh of relief, not realizing he had been holding it in. He kept silent with a steady gaze, and Pau took it as a cue to continue. 

_**“Remember nagse-sell si Denise n**_ _ **g cookies online?”**_ Pau went on, and Stell nodded in agreement. _**“May nag-place ng order this morning and**_ _**ako yung inutusan ni Mama to meet the customer sa mall. I had no idea the customer was Ken, nagkagulatan na lang din kami kanina when we met. He said it was for Ma’am Euna.”** _

Pau cautiously took a glimpse at Stell when he mentioned Euna’s name, searching for even the slightest hints of jealousy. Pau felt relieved when there seemed to be none. 

_**“Okay.”**_ Stell replied, bobbing his head in understanding. But the soreness in his voice was something he failed to conceal, or perhaps, he didn’t intend to, and Pau definitely took notice. 

Stell opened his mouth once more to speak, and he was surprised of the sudden burst of resentments himself. _**“Eh bakit kumain pa kayo sa labas? Kailan pa kayo naging close? Sana inabot mo na lang yung order nya para nakauwi ka na lang agad diba? May selfie ka pang nalalaman, ipopost mo pa sa My Day? Ni hindi ka nga kamo marunong mag-post doon. Selfie nga natin sa Bolinao hindi mo pino-post. Ano crush mo na yon? Tss.”**_

If Pau’s eyes could bulge out of their sockets any further, he’d be running after them now on the floor. But instead, he quickly held both of his hands up, beckoning Stell to shut up for a while.

**_“Woah, woah_ _, chill!”_ **Pau warned once. _**“Nag catch-up lang kami ni Felip okay?”**_ Pau chuckled as he watched Stell’s head tilt in confusion. 

_**“Felip**_ _ **?”**_ Stell raised an eyebrow. 

_**“Yes, real name ni**_ _ **Ken.”**_ Pau replied. Stell’s brows furrowed deeper. _**“We’re not super close, but we’re friends. Batchmate ko si Ken sa training okay? So technically, mas matagal ko na siyang kilala kesa sa’yo.”**_ __

_**“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”**_ Stell scolded witlessly. 

Pau grunted in brewing exasperation. _**“Why do I need to tell you something that wasn’t important? Wala namang kinalaman si Ken sa ating dalawa.”**_ __

Stell paused, seemingly caught by surprise and the unforeseen acknowledgment that Pau, in fact, had a point. Stell had already planned to shut up and apologize but Pau seemed to decide otherwise. 

_**“Come on Stell** _ _**, stop acting like you’re a jealous boyfriend.”**_ Pau accused, rolling his eyes. And if any, Stell was certain he felt a feeble sting inside his chest. 

_**“What?”**_ Stell scoffed. _**“I AM jealous. I’m fucking jealous! Ang manhid mo naman Paulo.”**_ Stell’s voice slightly fainted at the end of his statement, cracking a little. And if Pau had not been imagining things, he could have sworn that Stell’s eyes glistened in the light. 

A lasting, discomfiting silence suddenly blanketed the room. 

_**“How was I supposed to know?”**_ Pau said softly, breaking the stillness in the air. _**“You never really told me you like me.”**_ __

Stell felt a huge lump wedged inside his throat. For a while, he gazed at Pau, and noticed that his eyes no longer met his. Pau’s eyes fixed on his own fingers, fidgeting, pinching his skin, playing with his nails. His bottom lip trapped in between his teeth, and a long-ish clump of hair tumbled along the side of his face. Pau still looked pretty, but Stell didn’t want him looking like this. 

_**“Pau,”**_ Stell whispered. Pau kept his head low but he listened. _**“Hindi mo ba ramdam?”**_ __

At last, Pau looked up to meet Stell’s eyes again. Pau smiled, but if there was any joy to it, Stell couldn’t see at all. Instead, what he saw was grief, confusion, and doubt. 

_**“Sometimes, I do. But most of the time, I don’t.”**_ Pau laughed bitterly. _**“Five years, Stell. Five years, para tayong naglalaro ng Tug of War. One moment, we’re okay; sobrang okay. The the next, you’re running away.”**_ __

Pau’s voice was breaking, and so was Stell. His chest ached from the accusations thrown his way yet he dared not respond back, not when he knew in his heart that everything Pau said had been true. This conversation was bound to happen at some point, and Stell thought he had readied himself well enough. He miserably failed to predict that the pain would stab him twice once he heard it straight from Pau’s mouth. 

Stell weakly got up on his feet and sat beside Pau on his bed. He carefully tucked the stray clump of hair that fell on Pau's face behind his ear and Pau lifted his head to look him in the eyes. Stell missed Pau’s coffee-colored eyes that always crinkle and disappear. Now, along with its glow, it had indeed disappeared. 

Pau’s eyes were tearless, but they were red. And Stell shuddered from the image that he thought he heard his heart being torn apart. 

_**“Alam mo ba, yung sa Bolinao? Akala ko yun na yun** _ _**eh.”**_ Pau smiled weakly. _**“Then what happened?”**_ __

Stell looked away. Pau kept his eyes on Stell. 

_**“Space happened. Again. But then before you left me in the apartment, you kissed me. Remember? Pero wala ka pa ring sinabi. For one week, you didn’t talk to me at all but I thought, fine. Space...okay. Tapos ngayon, susugod ka dito dahil nagseselos ka kay Ken? Do you have any idea how fucking confused I am? Nakakabuang ka.”** _

Another wave of silence washed them ashore, this time, Stell couldn’t understand how the stillness could feel more piercing than it did before. All he knew at that moment, was that it hurt. Stell breathed deeply, as though the chilled air that swamped his chest could give him the courage he needed. Without any word, he slipped his body closer to Pau and lifted a finger to cup his beautiful face. He smeared away that single tear which strayed from Pau’s eye, using the back of his finger. Slowly, he pulled Pau’s face closer to him, and he drew his face closer as well. 

At that point, Stell discovered that he didn’t need someone to complete him. He only needed someone to accept him completely. Someone who wanted him, waited for him, who understood him in his frailty and madness. Someone who brought hope and light. Someone who still talked to him after a fight, who missed him and still wanted his presence after all the craziness, after all these years.

He marveled at the way Pau put his insecurities to sleep, the way he dove into Stell’s eyes and starved all the fears, and revered all his dreams that he kept coiled beneath his bones. 

Pau entered his life out of nowhere, and now, he meant the world to Stell. 

Pau closed his eyes, and so did Stell. They let their lips wander and found themselves pressed, relishing the sweetness they once knew. The silver moonlight, the cool mist of the crashing ocean waves and the softness of the sands, the flavor of beer and butter from the garden party, and the cold, purple air of their bedroom. It washed both of them far into the seas as they tasted the salty tears that rested on their mouths. 

Their kiss was far sweeter than it had been the first time. It was gentle, and chaste, like a watergate of emotions where they willingly let themselves be submerged into. 

Finally, they pulled apart and allowed their eyes to feast on each other's faces, breathlessly. Pau’s eyes were questioning, and once and for all, Stell already knew the answer.

_**“Mahal kita** _ _**.”**_ Stell whispered, pressing his lips again on Pau’s own, one that was quick but affectionate. _**“Sorry**_ _ **ngayon lang, and sorry kung pakiramdam mo, pinapaasa lang kita. Pero mahal kita Paulo.”** _

Stell watched as Pau’s eyes glimmer in the corners and his lips trembled. Before another careless tear fell from Pau's eyes, Stell was quick to kiss it away. Stell’s thumb brushed softly along Pau’s lips, bewitched at how tender it felt, and how red it looked. He wanted to own them again, from daybreak until sundown. 

_**“Hindi ko na maalala yung buhay ko bago ka dumating. Hindi ko na rin maalala kailan ko naramdaman** __**‘to.”**_ Stell confessed sincerely. _**“**_ _**Siguro, ito rin yung kailangan ko. Yung makilala kita, para makalimutan ko kung gaano kadilim yung buhay ko noon.”** _

_**“Stell.”** _Pau said softly. _**“I don’t know what this darkness of yours is, but you can share it with me. I can’t say na**_ _ **kaya kong burahin kung ano man yung nangyari dati, but I can cry with you.”** _

Stell smiled, and suddenly, he was spellbound and everything that surrounded them dazzled. 

_**“Thank you.”**_ Stell said, as he lovingly planted a delicate kiss at the corner of Pau’s lips. _**“I promise to tell you everything later. But for now, let me kiss you all night.”**_ __

They drew their faces closer again and kissed, reeling in each other’s scent and taste. 

It had been a long while, but Stell was thankful that it wasn’t too late to see that genuine love would come and it would not hurt; instead, it would heal, and nurture. It would not be jealous, instead, it would be compassionate. It would not cast doubts, instead, it would bring trust. 

He had never felt this comfort and calm. Loving Pau was like coming home. Pau wasn’t perfect, but he was real, and real is where you find something remarkable and special. 

He lived in the dark, cold and alone, until he found someone he now couldn’t live without. 

**_“I love you, Stell.”_ **

**_“I love you too, Pau.”_ **


	13. NOSTALGIA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Stell shares his past.  
> !!!Please be cautious, as this will include narrations of past physical abuse.!!!  
> Beware of mild NSFW as well. 
> 
> That's all.  
> Pls find time to read my endnotes too, thank you!

_“I love you too, Pau.”_ Stell had finally said it. 

Pau wasn’t dreaming, was he? He felt as though his body was floating, sailing to somewhere distant, but it wasn’t dark, nor was it cold. Rather, it was warm, it wasn’t too bright, just enough for him to still have his eyes opened without getting blind. Strange yet tranquil, feeling how his body rendered weightless, and his chest could freely expand to ultimately let all the air swim through his lungs. He felt free. That was the only word he could come up with. 

Pau wished he had that “I love you too, Pau” recorded in his phone, so that he could listen to it whenever he wished, lest he woke up from this dream. But then, he felt that moist softness that was Stell’s tongue, tracing a strip over his lips before begging Pau’s mouth to let him in. Pau slightly parted his lips, letting Stell’s tongue slip inside as he was kissed open-mouthed and deep, gentle but wanting. 

Kissing for what seemed to be hours on end, Stell’s lips explored all the crevices of Pau’s face, his ears, his neck, like a goldmine being exhumed from the depths of the earth. The small bone behind Pau’s ear particularly made him moan the loudest, and that discovery made Stell almost feeling modest. He was awed at how sinfully melodic it was to his hearing, rendering him unprepared at the sudden jolt of feverish currents that flickered all over his body. 

Pau felt dizzy and weak, swamped with sensations that felt all too good to be real, making him silently pray that none of these were just fantasies woven by his desperate ego. 

With one hand resting underneath Pau’s back to support his weight, Stell laid Pau gently into the bed. He positioned himself on top before straddling on his knees on either side of Pau’s legs before gingerly lowering his body, pressing flushed against Pau’s warmth that seeped through the thin material of his shirt. That warmth begged for Stell’s touch, and thus he willingly complied, the other hand smoothly creeping underneath the fabric. 

Stell’s cold fingertips skimmed along the fluid surface of Pau’s waist, tracing the firm muscles, tenderly scribbling shapes around it, making Pau squirm and unleash a long, pleasured sigh that was halted short as soon as Stell’s lips found its way to his mouth once more. 

_“Mhmm...Stell,”_

Pau was ticklish, and he was especially sensitive at the sides of his ribs, just a little below his chest. To be honest, he didn’t know he was extra delicate on that part. Not until Stell’s soft fingers ghosted over his skin, pressing gently and brushing again in circles, teasing. Goosebumps laced all over Pau’s skin and he wanted to arch his back but their positions made it difficult. Especially when Stell’s weight on top of him laid Pau flat against the mattress, the sheets and the cushion caving at his back. 

_“I love you, Pau.”_

Pau heard it again, and again, and again. Stell was hell-bent on declaring his feelings in between soft kisses, in between soothing touches, that Pau lost count already. Pau was reeling, his heart was racing that, if he didn’t attempt to steady the rhythm of his breaths, it could burst any moment. 

There was no need to keep a voice recording, after all. His eyes welled up in indescribable bliss. At last, the feeling of certainty enveloped his core. 

_“I love you,”_ Pau murmured in his voice, rich in gravel and gold. The soft strands of Stell’s hair languidly grazed the sides of his face as the latter’s mouth and tongue left wet marks across his skin. Pau's eyelids flickered, feeling lightheaded, before his fingers sashayed through Stell’s hair and gripping around it. _“W-wait lang, Stell.”_

Stell whimpered, and Pau felt the gentle shake of Stell’s head by the way his hair splayed across his cheek, telling him he wasn’t willing to let go of his neck just yet. 

_“You smell so good, hmm,”_ Stell mumbled, his voice muted beneath Pau’s skin. 

If Stell was doing it on purpose, he couldn’t tell either but he soon found himself rubbing against Pau’s front. The unexpected movement earned both of them strangled gasps and viciously heaving chests. The cool air had long since subsided and the only thing that swirled inside the room was the heat emanating from their mutual thirst, and Stell was happy to quench it in Pau’s lips. 

But Pau had known better. It would be an insane struggle, but they needed to stop whatever it was they’re doing, not for himself, but for Stell. Pau’s mind unwittingly drifted to that familiar night in Bolinao, and he feared that it could happen again at any minute. 

_“S-Stell, stop muna please.”_ Pau managed to say, and while his body almost shivered from the abrupt break of friction when Stell stopped, he held his hands out against Stell’s chest and slowly pushed him off. Stell rolled over to Pau’s side with a groan, panting and flushed, his puffy scarlet lips gaped open. Pau thought it was cute and inviting at the same time. 

They allowed a couple of minutes of stillness to breathe and free their senses from the haze. 

Finally, Pau was the first to rift the silence. 

_“Sorry,”_ Pau mumbled under his breath apologetically, slowly twisting to face Stell, who was already drowning in his gaze. Stell smiled sincerely. 

_“Don’t be,”_ Stell said, caressing Pau’s brows and straightening them. He didn’t like him frowning. _“I know what you’re thinking. Pero I think I’m okay, don’t worry.”_

Stell gave him a reassuring smile and a soft squeeze in his hand, which made Pau feel relieved somehow. Yet he wasn’t convinced, not thoroughly at least, and Stell could read through his thoughts as though he was a book spilling words on the pavement. 

_“I promised you I’d tell you everything.”_ Stell reminded him, and Pau nodded with apprehensions. He watched as Stell rose and propped an elbow against the mattress, shifting to a cross-legged seat. He placed a pillow across his legs and inhaled tremendously. _“Please give me fifteen minutes.” Stell smiled. “Oh and, okay lang bang itong lamp na lang ang buksan natin?”_

Pau nodded and lifted himself off the bed, stretching a little to reach the switch of the salt lamp and flicked it open. Pale coral light warmly glowed within the nubs and ridges of the huge chunk of Himalayan Salt, and Pau saw how Stell’s eyes glistened against the light. 

Tiptoeing the short distance to where the ceiling’s light switch was, Pau flipped it off and tiptoed back to bed, slipping beside Stell ever cautiously so, seeing how Stell’s eyes were already peacefully closed, like he had fallen into a nap. His chest ascended for a fleeting moment, and dropped again alongside a slightly audible exhale. Stell’s fingers lay flat on the pillow across his lap, occasionally twitching, so did his eyes. 

With that image burning in his head, Pau was mesmerized by Stell’s beauty, accentuated even more so by the cozy afterglow of the lamp in the corner amidst the sheer darkness that cloaked the small room. 

With only Stell’s rhythmic breathing filling the room, Pau’s senses were lost in absolute rest. Eventually, he found himself closing his eyes as well, pacing his breaths with Stell’s. 

It might only be fifteen minutes, and even with the brief absence of kisses and touches, Pau thought it was beautifully intimate. They shared a short, tender kiss as soon as their eyes fluttered open once again. 

_“I think,”_ Stell began, seemingly weighing the faith he bestowed in his decision, biting his lip. Sixteen years, he thought. Sixteen years he kept it away from everyone, of course apart from his family , and now it was to be unearthed from the deepest chambers of his memories. This was never willed to be light, more so painless, but it was Pau. He loves him truly, and while he had no idea whether his beloved would still take him unconditionally afterward, Stell wanted to unclothe all the unresolved riddles Pau had of him. _“I’m ready.”_

Pau nodded dutifully so, rubbing a finger on his chin, clearly deep in thought. _“Stell,”_ he chimed in, making the other man gape at him, restlessly waiting for his next word. _“Before you start, please let me know what you want me to do?”_

With brows curled in the middle, Stell hesitated. _“What do you mean?”_

_“I mean, gusto mo ba makikinig lang ako? Hindi ako mag-i-interrupt? Or gusto mo bang malaman kung ano thoughts ko after kong marinig? Uhh, do you need me to give you some advice? Para I’d know what to do or not do. I, I just don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”_

Stell smiled, his heart overflowing with Pau’s sincerity and thoughtfulness. _“I just need you to listen to me, then tell me what you feel, or think after I finish. And don’t let go of my hand”_ he said, squeezing Pau’s hand meshed around his. Pau smiled lovingly. 

_“I was thirteen that time, in sixth grade. Active ako sa school, officer sa Student Government, President ng Club, President ng Class, consistent achiever. Teacher’s pet sabi nung iba, but I wasn’t, I swear!” Stell chuckled at the memory. “It was nearing Christmas, and yung council, plus some other classmates, kami kami yung assigned sa pag-decorate ng classrooms and activity boards. Tapos, yung teacher namin sa E.P.P., siya yung head namin. He’s gay.”_

Stell swallowed the huge lump in his throat and felt the gradual surge of speed in his chest. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, and inhaled deeply, pacing his breaths. He mildly winced as soon as he felt Pau’s thumb rubbing circles on his hand. 

_“We went to school on a Saturday to finish yung pag-decorate. Then etong si teacher, nagpatulong sa akin magdala ng box of decors dun sa isang kindergarten room. It was a little secluded, pero syempre hindi naman ako magrereklamo. I went with him. Pagpasok ko ng room, something hit me, tapos everything just went blank. I don’t know how long akong walang malay. Nagising lang ako dahil nag-blast yung Christmas Carol sa room, sobrang lakas, nakakabingi. Then I realized I was tied to a chair.”_

Stell paused again, steadying his breathing before wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. He was sweating, as well as his palms that Pau held devotedly. Pau’s eyes seemed consumed with distress, but he didn’t dare speak a single word. 

_“Then he was there, ibang iba yung itsura nya. He didn’t look anything like when he was teaching a class. He suddenly looked so huge, and, and, menacing. Even the way he sounded. H-he just looked scary. And, and I was screaming pero sobrang lakas, yung tugtog, masyadong malakas. Sabi nya, Santa Claus daw sya. He’d give me whatever I want, huwag lang daw akong...magsasalita. Tapos...”_

Stell fought his tears back, but the crack in his voice betrayed him. He shook his head, and bit a finger hard, silently declaring his surrender. Like a drainage unplugged, fresh hot tears welled from his eyes. Sixteen years worth that finally found its way to the world. As the saltiness crept down his cheeks and died on his lips, Stell wished that they were prayers instead that traveled to God, now that he couldn’t find his voice to speak. 

Seeing Stell helpless and frail broke Pau. And while he badly wanted to wrap him in his arms and whisper words of comfort, he chose to stay quiet, allowing Stell to succumb to his weakness. At this point, Pau knew that Stell’s tears were his only weapon. Thus, he let him weep until there was nothing left to shed. 

_“Gusto mo bang ikuha kita ng tubig?”_ Pau gently asked, his fingers still caressing the alcove of Stell’s palms. 

Stell weakly shook his head. _“No. Don’t go anywhere, please.”_

When Stell’s sobs had since faded into subtle whimpers, Pau let go of Stell’s hands and he stretched his arms wide. Without a moment’s wavering, Stell sank into Pau’s arms and buried his face against his chest, taking in his scent that becalmed his unease, slowly, but certainly. 

* * *

Stell’s head never left Pau’s chest throughout, and it never mattered to either of them, not when their hearts harmoniously thumped the same beat. It was calming and surreal all at once, something Stell felt only whenever he was with Pau. Fingers affectionately raked through his soft hair, rubbing from his scalp to his forehead, and to his temples, coupled with a lovely, flowering hum which was his favorite. Pau always hummed that melody and lulled him to sleep. He might have fallen asleep, all things considered, if it was another day. Stell smiled fondly, knowing moments such as this would not be their last. 

It surprised him, without pretense, how Pau’s thoughtfulness and familiarity to his emotional needs transcended borders, as though they were one and the same. And Stell couldn’t be more thankful and amazed, and how deeply he was falling each second. Pau listened and listened, and never questioned. He allowed him to pause, breathe, cry even, whenever necessary. 

Stell chronicled how, despite trembling in fear that one frightful day, he was able to seek help from their school’s security guard to guide him back home, as he wasn’t feeling well. Four blocks away from the school was their house, his parents, and Stell felt pain in his body all throughout. He was crying on the streets subtly, and he remembered how he collapsed into a mess right onto his mother’s arms as soon as he got home. 

It was all too clear, like it happened yesterday. They sought medical help, filed a police report, after which the culprit was instantaneously apprehended. He continued schooling at home, all the while undergoing therapy and medications that lasted for almost a year. He transferred schools the following year, hoping to expel all the abomination reeking within his core. It was a rather difficult time for their family. 

But Stell couldn’t say that he made a sound judgment when he decided to keep from his parents that his nightmares hadn’t really stopped. These didn’t occur every day, but there were troublesome nights that he would startle awake in the wee hours, sweating, shivering, and crying to himself. He had already caused too much distress for them all. And he was getting older. He thought he had to be brave somehow, he thought he could, he thought. Not until those fateful nights turned to weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. And it was an endless cycle of sweat and tears and tremors. 

_“I believe you.”_ Pau murmured against Stell’s tufts of hair. _“Everything you said, I believe you. Andito lang ako.”_

Pau felt Stell’s arms tightened around his waist. 

_“Gusto mo bang bumalik sa pagte-therapy? If you want, I’ll help you look for one. Sasamahan rin kita, but only if you want me to. Basta, whatever your decision may be, andito lang ako lagi ha?”_

Pau’s words rang in Stell’s ears, took him a minute to absorb it and something blossomed in his heart. Stell nimbly lifted his head away from Pau’s chest and faced him. His hair was tousled, his eyes were a bit swollen, still reddish and moist by the way his lashes glisten in the orange light, but his lips curved into a small smile, wonder painted in his face. 

_“Mahal mo pa rin ako?”_

Pau smiled and touched Stell’s right cheek, brushing his thumb softly back and forth. 

Pau did not know he had it in him either, this much love he has for Stell. He wondered how one could truly say that one’s love was genuine? Everything he had ever known was born out of his desire to embrace and share Stell’s darkness, to love it and kiss it away. To discover his unbeautiful pieces, the perils and uncertainties that created a hole inside him when he's weak and alone. To unearth the pain from all cracks and fissures of his soul. 

Pau discovered that when you have come face to face with his hell and all that blackness, yet your heart still beats the same symphony, when not seeing nor feeling that person would become the death of you. Then you know that loving that person has become your absolute truth. Because if you found yourself loving someone for his light and beauty before you have seen his pain and sins, then your love rests on the surface alone, and is therefore, unreal. 

_“Mahal na mahal.”_ Pau answered.

Once again, Stell found himself tearing up, blown away by Pau’s unyielding affection, his sincerity, his dedication, his faith. How could he have doubted such feeling? That Pau might refuse him for what he was, when Pau had been there for him longer than anyone. He had seen his triumphs and defeats, his desires and his fears. Pau had fought for him for a very long while, and it was about time that he opened his heart to that one person who truly deserved to be loved. 

* * *

He couldn’t tell whether it was the cold airconditioned air biting through his bare skin, or it was Stell’s weight saddling him flat on the mattress, but Pau stirred awake nonetheless. He fumbled for his phone under his pillow, unlocked it, and the bright light from his screen momentarily blinded him. It was only 2:40 AM. He quickly set his alarm to 6 AM, reminding himself to go back to his own bed by then. He giggled quietly at the thought of his mom and siblings finding Stell inside his bedroom. 

He subtly turned to his left, Stell’s face was as close to his as it could get. His warm breath fanning his soft fringes. He shifted to face him, ever cautiously so, lest he wake him up. Stell’s hand splayed across his naked waist, and he could feel, in great depth, the heat shedding from both their bodies. Curling his toe against the trimming of the blanket twisted between their entwined legs, he pulled the blanket up and covered the two of them underneath. He snuggled to Stell even closer, and automatically, Stell’s arms pulled him in. 

Pau held his breath, as his bare chest pressed even against Stell’s, the heat was beginning to burn, so did the area between his legs. He blushed deeply; he could tell by the way the numbness bristled all over his face. 

Pau managed to smile, remembering how Stell kissed him, all of him, as if he worshipped his entire body. He didn’t know when, but shirts were discarded on the floor. He was oddly thankful that they were at their house, making them leave their pants and shorts on. Otherwise, more offending pieces of garments would be strewn all over the bedroom. _I can't wait to get better and make love to you._ Stell had told him, and Pau blushed harder at the thought. 

Pau reached in to plant a quick kiss on Stell’s lips, and he was rewarded by a smile, all before Stell started snoring softly again. _Cute_. 

He nestled his head against Stell’s chest and closed his eyes, basking in the scent of honey and vanilla. Pau couldn’t wait for the daybreak, as the sunlight would persuade him that everything that happened the night before was not just some dream, but his reality from this day forward; where he and Stell could let hours roll by just gazing into each other’s eyes, sharing dreams, exchanging bizarre stories and they would laugh at how funny they seemed. He would write more beats and melodies for him, singing his sappy love songs until Stell falls asleep in his lap. 

More cuddles, probably some arguments and make-up kisses here and there, cooking meals together, smiling for no reason, never leaving each other’s side. Pau would love remembering every single day, and would love to look forward to each day. 

Eventually, Pau drifted to a blissful sleep, knowing that reality was finally a whole lot better than his dreams. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I've referred to some PTSD-related articles specifically for this chapter. Here are a couple of links in case you want to check: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-symptoms-self-help-treatment.htm and https://www.psycom.net/mental-health-wellbeing/help-friend-sexually-assaulted-dos-donts/
> 
> 2\. I've also read somewhere that survivors of physical abuse usually don't want to get touched without consent, regardless of who does the act (family/friend/lover etc). In this chapter, since Stell was the one in control during the "bed scenes", his traumas didn't resurface. I just couldn't find the article anymore, ugh.
> 
> 3\. If you're wondering what Stell and Sejun did during those fifteen minutes of silence, that was meditation. I brought it up here since I do it personally, every night, especially when I'm having anxiety attacks. It's extremely effective. Life-changing, actually. I can't stress this enough. TRUST ME.
> 
> 3\. The last line was borrowed from this quote by Dr. Seuss: "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams".
> 
> 4\. I tried my best, but I struggled TBH. Apologies.


	14. UNSHACKLED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filler chapter? Enjoy the fluff! ヽ(*⌒▽⌒*)ﾉ  
> The PTSD treatment processes mentioned here had been researched accordingly. Thanks!

“Sir Pau,” the petite lady with a crown of fiery red curls on her head stirred Pau out of his deep musing. With a couple of blinks and a mild flinch, he turned his head to the direction of the sweet-sounding voice and he was greeted with a warm smile. Just like him, she had braces on, except they were in a bright yellow color. Pau found himself smiling as well, and probably a little embarrassed too. “Gusto nyo po ba ng drinks? Kanina pa po kayo balisa dyan, Sir.” 

“Ah,” was the only thing Pau managed to say, keeping his mouth hanging awkwardly open. He chuckled uneasily, rubbing a hand at the back of his neck. “Okay lang ako, Gem. Thank you,” he finally said. 

He was acknowledged with a polite nod and a sincere smile before the thoughtful, young lady returned her focus to the thick, bundle of papers lined on the surface of her desk. The phone beside those papers had been ringing non-stop as well, and it didn’t help Pau to settle back and lax on his seat. He was tensed, definitely, if one couldn’t tell with the way his fingers nimbly trembled nor how his palms were soaked with sweat. 

He kept his eye on the owl-shaped clock hanging on the wall, as if he could will the time to hurry up. He rolled his tongue along his cracked lips while counting the remaining minutes inside his head. Fifteen minutes more. 

“Fifteen minutes. Okay.” Pau murmured to himself all before blowing a gust of air, in an attempt to release his tension. 

Pau honestly thought that convincing Stell to re-seek medical help would be difficult, and while he had all the intention to be as patient and as understanding with whatever Stell decides on, it still made Pau very ecstatic when his now-boyfriend agreed to his suggestion without much coaxing. Especially when Stell confessed that he wished to finally get better so he could make love to him, and Pau couldn’t do so much except being blown away by the sincerity in that statement. 

Pau knew denying it would be pointless, not when he’s face had turned insanely red, which Stell was more than happy to kiss away and tease him relentlessly over. 

The attraction Pau felt for Stell since the day he was introduced to their team at their office was incredibly strong, and he would be lying if he said he never once had fantasized himself and Stell in rather intimate situations. Even more so the fact that Pau had spent some particularly shameless nights, touching himself, Stell’s name spilling wantonly through his moans while getting off to the thought of his lips exploring Pau's mouth, his body, his sex. 

How immodest! He would scold, and then there’s that familiar guilt in his chest shortly after relieving the unbearable heat built up in his abdomen. 

Yet he couldn’t find it in himself to stop, especially not now that they have been dating for a month, and being all soft and cozy around each other was something he could get used to at any given day. Although it does take some extra will power to maintain his self-control, which Stell seemed to take delight in teasing him for. Priorities. Right now, their priority was for Stell to get better. Pau could still wait, and he was feeling hopeful that it wouldn’t take that long anymore. 

Stell was now on his fourth session of his Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) Treatment at perhaps, one of the most esteemed Psychotherapy Centers in the country, fortunately, situated along the busy streets of Timog. His program was projected to last for 12 to 16 weeks, depending on his progress. 

Throughout his first three sessions, Pau had been with Stell, and he was witness to what seemed a full solid hour of torment per session. His treatment focused on the symptoms of his trauma, where it aims to change the way the patient thinks and behaves, and eventually change the way they feel. Pau was thankful that the treatment always involved deep breathing techniques before the actual procedure, since he knew that it was similar to Stell’s meditation activities that helped him relax. But whether that brief mind conditioning step was enough to prepare Stell for the next stage, Pau couldn’t tell. 

The next one was, for Pau, the most excruciating part; the exposure therapy. Stell was literally exposed to the things that presumably trigger his traumas, or the subjects and/or events present during the incident. He was shown images of a bright, blue chair, similar to the chair he was tied to when the incident happened. He was made to listen to that particular Christmas Carol resounding that day inside the classroom, as well as photos of Santa Claus and nylon ropes. 

To describe those first two sessions as difficult was an understatement. Pau, watching Stell cry and tremble, and not being allowed to do anything, would always be one the most harrowing things to endure. If Pau didn’t know better, he might have jumped right off and interrupted the session, anything to save Stell from further misery. But they all knew it was for Stell’s best interest. Thus, he would have to keep still in his seat, and withstand the process, letting Stell know he was there to stay. 

Pau couldn’t help but consistently feel upset, thinking what a useless boyfriend he was. Yet after every session, Stell would give Pau a warm hug and a chaste kiss and constantly thank him for not letting go of his hand, telling him how he felt braver whenever Pau was around. Somehow, it gave Pau a sense of purpose and contentment. 

On his third session, Stell appeared to acquire a better grip on his symptoms. While there were still noticeable tremors in his hands and a hint of distress in his eyes, he quietly wept but no longer cried as much. He held his breath on some occasions, which he would slowly let go through a prolonged exhale. Pau felt happy and proud at the same time. 

In his fourth session, however, Pau was distraught. Stell had told him how he wanted to go on his own and his therapist agreed that it was for the best. 

Stell, seeing how worried Pau was, smiled and caressed the side of his boyfriend’s face tenderly. 

“You are more powerful than you know,” Stell told Pau. “That’s what you said to me, remember?” 

Pau nodded, remembering his own words. Gradually, he dropped his stiffened shoulders and squeezed Stell’s hands, whimpering. “But I won’t be there to hold your hand.” 

“Oy, don’t worry too much. I’ll be fine. Strong kaya ako.” Stell returned a reassuring squeeze in his hand. 

They smiled, while both with doubts. Stell knew he needed to be stronger, and braver for the both of them. While he wouldn’t wish for anything more than to have Pau stay beside him all the time, he knew he had to deal with matters on his own, sooner or later. Stell couldn't rely his recovery on Pau too much, or anyone, for good measure. Because even one’s own shadow leaves you in the dark. Hence, self-reliance is key, it was the only way to supreme freedom. And while it wouldn’t be a leisurely road to travel, he just needed to take a single step forward, and he was positive that everything else would soon follow. 

Pau’s pacing was suddenly halted by the sound of the twisting knob from the therapist’s room. In three huge, heedless strides, he was already by the door. A slightly agitated but smiling figure of Stell spilled out from it, and Pau couldn’t make out of the expression on Stell’s face. Nevertheless, he quickly held Stell’s hand, which was a little damp and cold from what could only be sweat but Pau didn’t look the least bit bothered. He rubbed Stell’s hand to warm it up, before pressing and rubbing on each finger, attempting to soothe his boyfriend’s nerves down. 

“How was it? How do you feel?” Pau asked thoughtfully. 

Stell moved his head in hasty, shallow nods and pulled a faint smile. “I’m, good?” he said, which sounded more like a question addressed to himself, and it didn’t provide relief for Pau, not at all. “Yeah, yeah. I’m good. It felt...rewarding, actually.” 

Pau couldn’t figure out what to feel, a mixture of worry and caution pooled in his stomach. They both flinched when a small, sudden tap on Stell’s shoulder came from somewhere behind, before the friendly-looking therapist came into full view. “He did great. He was very brave,” he chimed in with a proud smile. 

Only then was Pau able to slump his taut shoulders down, especially when Stell finally smiled sincerely, all traces of apprehension dissipating in the air. 

There wasn’t an awful need for further words to convince Pau that there was nothing to be troubled much about, not when Stell grabbed his hand and told Pau he was starving and a buffet sounded great at that moment. It was already past lunchtime after all. They both sprinted out of the clinic after settling their bill and excitedly disappeared outside. 

* * *

Stell’s younger sister Rose Jean scurried excitedly through the porch and to the gate, grinning wildly as soon as she unlatched the bolt, and her Kuya Stell and Kuya Pau entered, both carrying huge bags of groceries. She innocently eyed the insides of those bags and squealed as the hazy image of her favorite snack peeked through. 

Stell handed the snack over to her and she ran back to the house after giving a thankful peck on Stell’s cheek. Stell’s mom, who Pau fondly calls Tita My, greeted them on the front door with an earnest smile. 

“Kamusta session mga anak? Kumain na ba kayo?” she asked as she went back to the sink to rinse the plates that she had been washing before they heard the knock on the gate. 

Stell and Pau placed the grocery bags atop the dining table and emptied the contents, segregating each item systematically. “Kumain na po kami ni Pau, Ma. Okay naman po yung therapy,” Stell answered, quickly singling out the pack of fresh strawberries and his box of milk from the bunch, passing it over to Pau. “Mag-isa lang po ako sa session. Hindi ko na pinasama si Pau sa loob. Awa ni Lord, kinaya ko naman po.” 

Tita Mylene was already on Stell’s side, with an evident look of pride painted on her pretty face. “Ang tapang naman ng baby ko. Halika nga dito.” And she wrapped her arms around Stell and peppered kisses all over his face. Stell, while honestly appreciating his mother’s sickly-sweet show of affection, gently squirmed from her hug and replaced her hands with his instead. 

“Thank you po, Mama. Love you.” Stell lovingly hummed before planting a kiss on his mom’s hair. 

Pau smiled at the picture-perfect scene in front of him and felt a brimming sense of joy. 

It wasn’t that long ago, barely over a month, hence he distinctly remembered that day when Stell had finally decided to tell his parents about the recurring nightmares he suffered for a long time. Pau was there with him, and he was more than glad to have encouraged Stell into letting them know about his condition. That day had been tremendously emotional for everyone in their household, as apologies, words of acceptance, and encouragement soon filled the room. 

Pau was quietly tearing up in one corner all before Tita Mylene and Tito Jun called him out and received him into a warm and grateful hug as they welcomed him into their family. Pau thought there was no end to everybody’s tears, but knowing it was born out of hope and trust, he made sure that this comforting scene will always be etched in his memories. 

“Pau, anak, dito ka na mag-dinner ha? Magluluto akong sinigang.” Tita Mylene said, snapping Pau back to reality. His eyes crinkled with delight, making Stell chuckle at the rawness of his boyfriend’s reaction. If Pau could live munching on a single dish for the rest of his life, it would undoubtedly be sinigang. “Sige na, magpahinga na kayo sa kwarto.” 

With a kiss on Tita Mylene’s cheek from both Stell and Pau, they exited the dining area and scampered off to Stell’s bedroom, leaving a trail of heavy footsteps marching up the stairs. 

* * *

“Ano ba yan, bakit uuwi ka pa ng apartment? Dito ka na matulog.” Stell whined right after seeing Pau giving his formal thanks to his parents for the scrumptious meal and appeared to be getting ready to leave. Stell glared and grabbed Pau’s bag from his hands and tossed it to the couch, far from his reach. 

Pau chuckled and timidly shook his head, politely turning down Stell’s offer with a soft blush rising on his face. “Huwag na, nakikain na nga ako, makikitulog pa ako. Nakakahiya.” he answered in a rather soft voice, hoping to keep it down but Stell’s parents heard it nonetheless. 

“Anong nakakahiya? Dito ka na matulog. Para ka namang ibang tao niyan eh.” Tito Jun declared with a scowl, and Pau might have felt unnerved if not for the sudden shift of the frown to a wholehearted smile. The older man stood to clear the dirty plates off from the table and Pau briskly rose from his seat to help with the chore. But Tito Jun impeded him from doing so, telling him that he was a special guest and he needed to stay put and enjoy the night. 

“Eh, sige na nga po. Salamat po Tito.” Pau meekly agreed, his plump cheeks dusting a shade of dark pink. 

“Don’t worry ‘nak,” Pau heard Tita Mylene mutter from the kitchen sink. “Konkreto ang pader ng bahay. Hindi namin kayo maririnig ni Lester kung yun ang inaalala mo.” 

Pau wasn’t sure if anyone had noticed the momentary silence that rolled by, and seeing Stell’s and Tito Jun’s faces told him that they did. From the corner, Tito Jun made a choking sound and sputtered in the midst of sipping his freshly-brewed coffee and quickly excused himself, vanishing towards the veranda. 

“Ma!” Stell cried out, his face and ears both impossibly red. On the other hand, Pau was frozen in his seat, amused and embarrassed at how the joke was heralded ever casually so. 

But if anything, Pau was in fact, more pleased than bothered at how warm and light Stell’s family had accepted their relationship without questions, just like his own family when they broke the news to them the following day after Stell marched over to his house in Cavite. 

Somehow, he thought he spent such a long time floating in empty spaces, nowhere to call his home. But here he is now, finally with Stell, savoring the happiness he could call his own. Each day spent with Stell made him feel that he finally belonged to the world. And truthfully, he couldn’t be any more grateful and hopeful towards the coming days of his life. 


	15. JUST DANCE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: NC-17/R18 Chapter.  
> Heavy narrations, 4k word dump. I'm so sorry if it bores you along the way.  
> I did my best.

Pau flatly drooped onto the floor of Stell’s bedroom with a definite plop. With mouth gaped wide, he tried to catch his breath, waving the fabric of his shirt against his body to cool himself down. He was sweating like crazy. It had been what? Two years? Three? He couldn’t recall how long he had stopped dancing and he felt that either his lower back or his knees would give up any moment. 

“Oy pagod ka na? Weak naman nito.” Stell teased while his eyes were fixed on the television mounted to the wall of his bedroom, scrolling through the list of danceable songs using the gadget on his hand. 

Pau shook his head, flailing a hand in surrender. He fished through the foil-wrapped box of strawberries and pitched a piece to his mouth, which he swallowed through a huge gulp of milk right after. He burped immodestly, making Stell turn to him with a mock grossed-out expression. Pau rolled his eyes in response. 

_At least Stell was enjoying it a lot_ , Pau thought to himself and he celebrated for making the right choice. He dragged Stell earlier that day to a small video games store at the mall where they spent lunch at. He bought one dance video game, just one, since it was a little expensive. He planned to purchase some more when payday comes in. 

He had been reading some articles related to _PTSD_ (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), searching for tips and tricks to help improve Stell’s mood and outlook and every article seemed to recommend sports and exercises as the perfect method to go. There was rock climbing, boxing, hiking, martial arts, and dancing. At that point, the last one was the most feasible option, especially when both he and Stell had enjoyed dancing a couple of years back. They were constants at intermissions at every event and party at the office, way before Stell was promoted to officership. 

Stell used to tell Pau how he felt safest when he’s dancing, like no one could hurt him, and it did show with the way he moved all parts of his body. Graceful, fluid and captivating. 

Eventually, Stell was promoted and he got busier. Feeling demotivated after some time, Pau stopped dancing when Stell did. It’s a different story now though. Pau believed this was the perfect moment to go up and get Stell moving one more time. 

They started the game as soon as they finished dinner, and Pau was unbelievably ecstatic, which Stell understood. But him, on the other hand, was skeptical, babbling how he no longer knew how to move his body properly, or that he needed more stretching for the benefit of his aging bones and blah blah blah. Stell only shut his mouth up the moment the first dance played and the bedroom was eventually clouded with a vibrant, energetic number. 

It wasn't long before the both of them finally found their momentum once again and became competitive with each other, wildly thrashing their limbs out and about the bedroom, jumping around until the stomps of their feet in rhythm with the music shook the floor, their laughter; loud and infectious. 

Past the easy and moderate stages, they alternately tied with each other's points. But come the difficult stage, Stell had been winning, one round after the other. Pau would occasionally groan and pout whenever he lost over a point or two from Stell for shit knows how many rounds already. But if anything, Stell was more than willing to compensate Pau's defeats by pulling him close and rewarding him with a playful swipe of his tongue over Pau's lips. 

“Mhmm, Stell...” Pau whimpered, and Stell could get addicted to that sound more than anything, next to the taste of Pau’s wet mouth that was sinfully sweet and intoxicating. 

It occurred many times, and Stell noticed how Pau kept losing to him constantly. Whether he was already doing that on purpose, he wasn’t exactly sure. But neither of them would complain anyway. So Stell thought it would be fun to take it up a notch, and by that he meant a soft squeeze on Pau's plump ass cheeks for his subsequent defeat. The deed caught Pau unprepared, thereby exhaling an audible gasp and a soft curse that made Stell smile triumphantly between their pressed lips. 

“ _Shit..Stell_.” 

Of course, Pau loved that, every time. And he would’ve loved it better if only the thing dangling heavily between his legs knew how to cooperate. Pau was already hard, and for all he knew, he must already be leaking. And the soft material of his shorts was starting to expose him. 

Pau wanted to rub himself against Stell. He wanted to feel him, give him any sort of friction, but even before he could buck his hips towards Stell, the younger man had already pulled himself off of him and broke their kiss, turning the other way to resume their little dance competition. 

“Fucking tease,” Pau mumbled breathily, annoyed, but desperately hoping he wasn’t heard. 

The little tingle blossoming within his abdomen called for his attention and he needed not look below to acknowledge the obvious tent rising in his shorts. He had to hide the lump somehow. He was feeling drained from dancing anyway, he hoped it could serve as a convincing alibi when he said he no longer wanted to dance because he could barely move a muscle. Stell naughtily teased him about being weak and honestly, he no longer cared. He had more important matters to attend to, his dick, for example. 

He candidly grabbed one pillow from Stell’s bed and placed it on his lap ever cautiously so. _That’ll solve it!_ Pau smirked, and turned his focus to the pack of chilled, fresh strawberries beside him. He chose the biggest, reddest piece and flung it inside his mouth, closing his eyes as its juices erupted between his teeth, coating his tongue generously. _Hmm, so good._

But he shouldn’t have looked up. He should’ve held his breath. He shouldn’t have opened his eyes anymore, because at that moment, his eyes darted to Stell’s hips, which was already swaying agonizingly slow. Pau watched as Stell’s deft and slender fingers dragged all over his own body, his neck, his hair. Even the way he turned his head around was luring him in. Pau licked his lips absently; his mouth has never felt drier in his life. 

What the hell’s going on? It was only then that Pau observed the drastic switch of the music playing in the background, from an upbeat number, to a slower, sultrier melody. 

_HowTheFuckIsThisSongIncludedIn-OhMyFuckingGoodLawd-WhatAreYouDoingStell?!_

Pau was frozen in his seat as he witnessed Stell’s hands roaming sensually from his neck downwards, until they reached the hem of his shirt, pulling it up until his smooth, almond skin peeked through. That was when Pau realized how Stell’s sweat-drenched shirt had tightly clung to his torso, the ridges of his toned body effectively mapping itself against the material. 

“Stell,” Pau cried, and the younger man halted in the middle of his little drama to face him, confused. “W-what are you doing?” 

“Taking my shirt off?” Stell answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world and proceeded to pull his soaked shirt over his head uncaringly. 

It wasn’t as though Pau had never seen Stell shirtless before, he had a handful of times, but a small part of his brain was screaming that this appeared to be something else. It felt privier, and more intimate. Pau shuddered, “Why?” 

“Because it’s wet? Puro pawis na oh,” Stell reasoned, swiftly tossing his damp shirt towards Pau’s face which the older man expertly evaded. Stell smirked, cocking an eyebrow as he walked his way slowly towards Pau’s spot. “Why do you look so concerned though?” 

Fresh pink blush caked Pau's cheeks anew. Now, how would he answer that question without making himself look foolish? _Because I thought you were giving me some sort of striptease goddamit_. And the thought of Stell’s rolling hips and mischievous fingers unwittingly replayed in his mind, dusting his already flustered face to a deeper shade of rosette. 

Pau’s flushed face didn’t go unnoticed. And with the way he shyly curled into a ball in the corner, Pau suddenly looked so tiny in Stell’s eyes. The younger man stopped walking and knelt down in front of Pau, until he reached his eye level. Stell stared at him quietly, like he was examining and memorizing every nook and cranny of Pau’s face. 

But that look seemed different in Pau’s perspective. Stell’s eyes somewhat looked darker, and overwhelming, something he could not unravel. He swallowed the lump in his throat with caution. 

“Matamis ba yung strawberries?” Stell whispered, and Pau could not understand why it was important at that point. Not until Stell grabbed Pau’s hand, that was still dripping with the fruit’s sticky, reddish sap, placing it before his mouth, and began sucking Pau's fingers one by one; licking them all clean. Pau’s cock pulsed sorely inside his shorts in response. 

“Stell~” Pau mewled, not at all intending to have the word come off as lewd as it had sounded, but he couldn’t help it. Not when Stell’s tongue gracefully swirled around each finger, and Pau imagined it to be wrapped around his dick instead. “Oh, god...” 

“Fuck, you sound so sexy.” Stell sighed, pulling Pau’s fingers off his mouth with a satisfying pop. 

Noticing the pillow resting across Pau’s lap, Stell smiled meaningfully and in one swift motion, he tossed it back to his bed, exposing the aching hard-on pressing against the soft material of Pau’s shorts underneath. Blood briskly surged through Pau’s head in embarrassment and hurriedly planted both his hands atop his crotch, struggling to hide his tent all but in vain. 

Stell smiled, enthralled at Pau's surprising display of innocence and vulnerability. He cupped his chin and softly pressed his lips against Pau's own, reeling in his warm breath and the sweet, fruity aftertaste lingering in his mouth. It was tender, calming, but fleeting. 

The warmth shifted towards Pau’s cheek as Stell’s hand caressed his face. “Ang cute mo,” Stell whispered, thumbing the outline of Pau’s rosy cheeks. 

“Stop teasing already.” Pau groaned; his face twisting in distress as he fondled his own crotch. “It hurts, here.” 

Stell bit his bottom lip, and with a dead-set glint in his eye, he scooped Pau off the floor and carried him over to the bed. Pau was a bit taller than him, but it didn’t matter, he was light as a cloud cradled between Stell’s strong arms and Pau’s hands automatically clung to his boyfriend’s neck. 

“Huy, what are you doing?” Pau cried out in alarm, burying his face against Stell’s bare chest, inhaling his scent that reminded him of moss and brewed tea, heady and masculine. 

Stell chuckled, carefully dislodging Pau onto the mattress. “Relax. It’s more comfortable sa bed. Don’t you think?” 

“O-okay,” Pau responded, gently rolling out of Stell’s arms as soon as his butt hit the soft cushion. 

He moved a little to the side to allow some room for Stell, not that the bed lacked enough space or anything. Stell crawled beside him and stretched his legs, tapping on his lap and Pau smiled in recognition. Pau shifted and found himself wedged between Stell’s lap. 

Pau seized the opportunity to admire Stell’s body, his hands smoothing the expanse of his naked torso. He couldn’t seem to tear his gaze from the way Stell’s muscles flex even in the slightest movement, to the crests perfectly carved into his abdomen. Pau could make out all the marks and moles in his body, dark ones, light ones, and he let his dainty fingers sail through each one. 

Pau marveled at the way Stell’s eyes fluttered, seemingly finding pleasure under his touch. He let his hands travel around his body once more, all before clinging around Stell’s nape as their final stop as though it was their rightful place. Pau writhed when Stell’s hands, meanwhile, tightly clutched around his waist, faintly brushing the skin inside his shirt. Stell giggled. 

“Why are you laughing?” Pau tilted his head in curiosity, which Stell found rather adorable. Pau flinched with a tiny yelp when Stell pinched the side of his tummy without warning. 

“Nakakagigil kasi.” Stell smirked. “This little mamon you have here. Ang cute.”

Pau glared at the younger man, having enough of his endless teasing. “Sinasabi mo bang mataba ako?” 

Unfortunately, the little pout that came with Pau's supposedly threatening glare came off rather charming than menacing, which Stell discovered he was so soft for.

“Hindi ah. Sasapakin kong magsabi na mataba ka,” Stell jokingly threatened, until his expression softened into a bashful smile. “Love you.” 

“Love you too,” Pau answered lovingly, leaning in closer to plant a quick, affectionate kiss on Stell’s. 

But as soon as their lips touched, he could no longer pull back when Stell raked a firm grip against his nape and on some clumps of his hair. Pau swiftly melted into the moist heat of Stell’s mouth; their eyes sliding close and matching each other's pace from whispery soft kisses that gave way to something more intense, and scorching. 

Kisses turned open-mouthed and deep, tongues prodding and slithering inside. Pau’s hands roamed all over Stell’s bare body, treacherous and frantic for heat all before he let out a gasp when Stell’s hands skimmed inside his shirt, scribbling shapes and playing the buds on his chest. 

Pau shifted his position, so he could lift and settle himself where his erection could meet Stell’s, and it didn’t take long before Pau swiveled his hips in quick circles, rubbing himself dangerously against Stell’s massive hard-on. 

“Shit...Pau,” Stell huffed, his words muted inside Pau’s mouth, strings of hungry moans left both of their throats. 

Stell trailed his fingers back to Pau’s shirt, gathering the hem before pulling it off of him completely, tossing it somewhere it could be forgotten. Stell drank in the heat shedding off Pau’s bare body, yanking him closer, incarcerating him within, pressing his body even with his wretched thirst, like they couldn’t get closer enough as needed. They could mesh within each other’s skin and still, it wouldn’t suffice. 

Pau threw his head back, eyes closed, lids heavy with want, and the kittenish mewls escaping his mouth made Stell’s sex throb all the more. Pau looked beautiful like this, his soft hair splayed across his face, mind fogged with love and lust, for him. Only for him. Small crescents marked Stell’s back as Pau’s nails sank deep into his skin when his tongue teased and played with his nipples. 

“Stell, please...I,” Pau couldn’t find his words, his thoughts incoherent and swamped with need. 

Pau found himself getting lifted and turned, and soon his back was pressed against Stell’s chest, his legs trapped inside his boyfriend’s long and toned legs. Somehow, it excited him further, the feeling of being trapped. He could feel Stell’s heartbeat flailing off his chest. 

Pau’s eyes fluttered close once more when a hot and wet flesh trailed along the length of his neck up, nibbling on the shell of his ear before licking on the bone just behind Pau’s ear. Stell remembered how sensitive Pau was on that spot and he was rewarded with a loud moan that concluded Stell's theory. 

“Stell, hurry up.” Pau groaned breathlessly, his own hands rubbing the steadily growing lump on his crotch. He couldn’t tell how long he could endure further. 

Stell smiled, nuzzling his face against the nest of Pau's hair, nosing his scalp that smelled of autumn rain and berries. “Hmm, so impatient, John Paulo.” 

The tips of Pau’s ears heat up. He wasn’t sure whether it was the way his name tastefully spewed from Stell’s lips that he found so appealing, making him more and more wet and hard by the minute. 

Finally, Stell’s hands sashayed along the expanse of Pau's chest, skimming down to his navel, until the warmth of his palm landed on Pau's front, making the older man jerk upright from the touch. Pau hissed and automatically bent his knees up and spread his legs to give Stell's expert hands more room. 

“Fuck, fuck Stell,” Pau grunted, chest heaving vigorously. “Touch me please.” 

“I’ll take these off, okay?” Stell said softly as his fingers remain hooked on the waistbands of Pau’s shorts and boxers inside, seemingly waiting for Pau’s consent. 

“Yes,” Pau wheezed, squirming in anticipation. “Yes please.” 

And that was all it took before Stell yanked Pau’s shorts, together with his underwear, pushing them down far enough for Pau’s hard length to spring free. And with the help of some skillful wriggling, the garments completely slid past Pau’s legs and he kicked a leg off, sending the articles of clothing flying to the floor. 

Stell whimpered at the sight, feeling the pleasant surge of heat creeping up all over his face. Stell lingered motionless for a moment, staring in awe at Pau’s leaking erection. 

“Uy, quit staring,” Pau whined, blushing deeply that had long since smothered throughout his neck. He covered his eyes with his hands as embarrassment engulfed his core “I feel so exposed here.” 

“Sorry baby, you’re just so beautiful.” And Stell didn’t need another coaxing as his long and bony fingers found themselves wrapped around Pau’s cock. Beads of pre-cum had already gathered around the tip, almost spilling over. And Stell thumbed the slit, smearing the fluids all around Pau’s shaft, making it smoother and easier to create a rhythm. 

Another string of frenzied heat slithered throughout Pau's body, he panted violently, fingers digging against the bedsheet until they turned white and angry, arching his back and thrusting his hips against Stell’s gentle but fervid strokes. 

Stell continued pumping him, mesmerized with the way Pau’s body contorted to a wreck beneath his touch, and his own cock was swelling with pride and smoldering desire at an alarming rate. 

Pau’s hips bucked even harder, and his moans had escalated a note higher. He must be close. Stell thought, so he pumped faster, fiercer. More beads of pre-cum pelted from his tip. Using his free hand, Stell cupped Pau’s balls and tugged on them playfully as he watched Pau’s body shudder in pleasure and sensitivity.

It wasn’t long before Pau was coming, hot substance dripping from his cock, coating Stell’s fingers that were still clenched around his sex tightly, pumping him persistently as he rode his orgasm to its last drops. 

Pau forced himself up after a couple of minutes of rest to catch his breath, turning to his back to face Stell, knowing that his boyfriend was still hard and probably sore. He shifted around and he was welcomed by the sight of Stell’s nakedness, his cock proudly erected and quite frankly, it was the prettiest dick Pau has ever seen. NOT that he had seen a lot. He had imagined how it looked like on multiple occasions, how it would feel within his grip, inside his mouth, inside him. 

_Fuck_. He felt himself getting hard again just by quietly staring at it. Pau licked his lips and mechanically hovered his hand, seemingly fascinated and consumed with the desire to touch Stell. But with a moment’s recognition, he stopped with uncertainty and sudden remorse. His eyes met Stell’s, shaded with an unreadable expression. 

“May I... touch you?” Pau asked cautiously and was relieved when Stell smiled, appreciating his thoughtfulness. 

“Thanks for asking, pero ako na lang muna.” Stell said sincerely. “I’ll let you touch me next time. Promise.” 

Pau nodded gently, completely understanding the circumstances. Thus, he watched as Stell began to stroke himself, unhurried and relaxed at first, as he fixed his gaze at Pau’s, and the older man wondered what was going through Stell’s head. 

Stell’s hips faltered as he moaned, a bit louder than he probably should but damn! Stell badly wanted to know how Pau’s hands would have felt like all over his skin, how hot and moist it would have felt inside his mouth. “Pau, baby... shit,”. 

And then Pau crawled on his knees, his hands strolling all over Stell’s body before his lips started nipping along the length of Stell’s neck. His tongue laving at the areas where he nibbled to ease the sting. His mouth roamed upward, ensuring he didn’t miss a spot, and he was more than certain that these would leave marks on Stell’s supple skin. He’d probably apologize tomorrow though he wished Stell wouldn’t actually care. 

When Pau’s tongue slipped inside his ear, slithering around the creases, tepid breaths, and the wetness of the flesh fusing into a maddening wave of sensations, Stell’s body shuddered in an urgent need for release. 

“Cum for me baby,” Pau whispered in his breathiest, raspiest voice and that was all it took for Stell’s mind to white out as he came all over his hands and his stomach. He felt blissfully calm in a matter of seconds. 

Stell lay against the headboard, panting and covered in sweat. Suddenly shivering against the chilled airconditioned air. Pau must have noticed, by the way he splayed an arm and a leg over Stell, hoping to share some of his warmth. They looked at each other affectionately for a brief moment and leaned closer to meld their lips into a gentle kiss. 

When Stell had gathered back enough strength, he proceeded to his bathroom and returned with a couple of damp washcloths, bringing it over to Pau’s face, wiping his sweat tenderly before cleaning off his still sensitive cock. The lukewarm dampness brought them some sort of relief before Stell tossed the soiled cloths into the hamper beside his drawer. He rummaged through his mini-fridge and reached in for a pitcher of water, both chugging down greedily and almost emptying the container in a few gulps. 

* * *

“Ang cute naman nito.” Pau smirked, tugging at the fabric of Stell’s pajamas that he borrowed for the night. He hugged himself and felt giddy at how warm he felt underneath the cashmere fabric of his sleepwear, which was adorably printed with strawberries. Stell wore a matching pair as well. “Couple sleepwear ba natin ‘to?” 

Stell giggled and thought the idea was cute. “Pwede naman. Sayo na yan para terno na tayo.” 

“Talaga? Akin na ‘to ha?” Pau mumbled, covering his mouth as he tried to stifle a yawn from splitting across his face. Suddenly, his eyelids felt heavy. 

“Oo nga. Tulog na tayo.” Stell wooed, spooning Pau closer to him and showering him with little pecks on his cheek. “I love you, mamon.” Stell whispered, as he secretly slid a hand inside Pau’s pajama top and left a small pinch on his belly that made the other man flinch. 

“'Wag kasi! Ayoko nga ng mamon!” Pau groaned and pouted, which Stell was more than glad to pluck with a kiss. Pau whined louder and pulled the blanket over his head, completely sheathing himself out of Stell’s touch. 

“Uy, pasali naman dyan.” Stell teased, tugging at the sheet, and it moved along the movement of Pau’s head, which was obviously shaking in disagreement. 

Stell laughed and slumped his arm and leg over Pau’s blanketed figure, burying his face against the crevice of his boyfriend’s nape. 

Not long after, Stell could feel the tiredness washing over him and he smiled. He felt like he was rewriting his story, and it for sure is more beautiful and breathtaking, because from thereon, Pau was already a part of it. He hummed, drowning himself in the blissful melody that Pau wrote for him. And he was certain that the succeeding nights would be just as perfect, if not better than this, ushering to more unparalleled, wonderful days ahead. 


	16. LUMINESCENCE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NC-17/R18 Chapter!
> 
> It's SenPau's third monthsary and they celebrated it somewhere far from the city. I randomly saw a log cabin in Pinterest and thought it was really cute, sweet and cozy. Plus I miss writing descriptive proses for nature and bodies of water, in case you hadn't noticed. I'm desperate for a vacation!!! LOL.
> 
> And I've been wanting to write something about skinny-dipping and making love outdoors. I think it's bold,  
> sexy and romantic at the same time. Hope I did this chapter justice.
> 
> I have a feeling that you might have some questions after reading this so feel free to leave them on the comments  
> and I'll have those answered in the next update. 
> 
> P.S. We're nearing the end of our series. Thank you for all the love! ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

* * *

_When you least expect it, something amazing will come along. Something even better than you imagine._

* * *

Pau jolted at the deafening slam of Stell’s mouse against its pad, or rather, what was left of it. He turned over his shoulder, and while he already imagined the ugly grimace that must be written all over Stell’s face that moment, he still found himself frowning along with him.

Stell’s hair was a little unkempt, the collars of his polo shriveled and folded on ends, and his necktie was undone. If he found this kind of look greeting him in the evenings at his apartment, he would have felt things, differently. The kind that would have made him undress as well. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the case. They’re at the office still, and it was already 7 PM, which was two hours passed since their shift ended.

Stell had been rendering overtime the entire week, which was typical. But he was even more worn out than before.

They had this new trainee that was introduced to their team the week prior, and his personality and work ethics easily spelled great trouble since day one. He had no less than given Stell multiple irate supervisory calls and some financial losses over a span of one week. Clearly, the said trainee did not pass the probationary period. Yet, the problems he left at Stell’s disposal were sufficient to last for a few more days or so.

Pau’s teammates had long since gone home. Only the two of them were left in their area, apart from some other colleagues who were assigned at a much later shift than theirs. Some of the lights were already turned off as well, adding to the gloom and the shadows flickering on the creases of Stell’s face. Pau sighed, which Stell must have heard, since he had turned to look at Pau with a weary expression.

_“Mamon,”_ Stell whimpered endearingly, jutting his bottom lip out, painting a cute little pout that made Pau melt in his seat.

He knew that look and pout all too well. It said he was tired and all he wanted was to go home, crawl onto his bed and rest his head on Pau's lap, have Pau's fingers card through his hair lovingly, humming his comforting lullaby until he fell asleep. Pau smiled in understanding and slowly enclosed the few steps that separated their desks. He tucked a few stray clumps of hair behind Stell’s ear and gently scratched his cheek, where Stell closed his eyes and leaned on to the touch.

Grabbing Stell’s hand and yanking him a little, he silently nudged him to get up from his seat. The younger man eyed him in confusion.

_“Tara. Samahan mo ko sa restroom.”_ Pau whispered after inspecting his surroundings and deciding that the coast was clear.

Stell was still puzzled but he obliged, not finding the strength to argue nor ask anything anymore. He felt weak and listless from head to toe, that Pau thought he was dragging a puppet along the hallway. Stell’s head was still clouded in distress, which was why he doubled in surprise after he was pushed inside an empty cubicle, and Pau was squirming inside with him as well. The confined space made the air between them even balmier, melding with their breaths and body heat altogether.

Stell found himself pinned against the door, still feeling languid, and he wasn’t prepared when Pau's lips conquered his own without any sort of warning.

Inevitably, Stell’s hand moved to the small of Pau’s back and he drew him in closer, where their feather-light kisses had soon gushed into one that was unchaste and sweltering. And when Stell thought he had recuperated enough, he flinched at the sudden unzipping of his pants, but he couldn’t bring himself to protest, nor did he intend to. Instead, his chest heaved greatly in anticipation.

Not long after, he was sweating and panting crushingly so. His one hand pressed safely against the door, his other hand wedged between his teeth, struggling to stifle a moan from coming out of his mouth.

When all had been spent well and done, Pau stepped out of the cubicle first, ensuring that the restroom was empty before letting Stell out behind him. Stell was flushed and looked even more disheveled than he did a few minutes ago, so he fixed his hair and his clothes briefly, catching Pau’s teasing glances reflected in the mirror. Stell was still tired, but the renewed glow in his face suggested a much more spirited atmosphere.

They headed back to their desks, and Stell discovered he was already a little calmer and more collected. Pau's little trick was apparently effective and convenient, and he decided to make use of that more often.

_“Better?”_ Pau asked softly, towing his swivel chair towards Stell’s desk and depositing himself and his things at the empty workstation beside him. Pau smirked at the surge of redness that clung to Stell’s ears and his neck.

_“Ten over ten,”_ Stell managed to counter despite the incredulous redness of his face, and Pau suddenly found himself blushing as well.

For the next half an hour, there was a restful kind of silence blanketed around them, apart from the noise clattering from Stell’s keyboard, hitting each key at an impressive speed. While Pau immersed himself with his favorite Netflix series, munching on a few pieces of Langka-Ube.

They would steal glances from each other once in a while and would smile affectionately whenever one of them was caught. Pau quietly chuckled, bemused at how hopelessly mushy they both had become, not that it concerned him. Truth be told, the happiness and contentment he was feeling were the most comforting state he has ever felt for the longest time.

He was in that depth of thought when Stell unbolted the headset from his ears, telling him he was done and that they could finally go home.

Realizing it was already past 8 PM, they stopped by a nearby fast-food chain and spent a quick dinner before grabbing some coffee-to-go and heading back home.

_“Can’t I stay here overnight na lang?”_ Stell groaned, hooking his fingers against the door frame of Pau’s unit, pretending he was being kicked out of the complex. Pau all but smiled at Stell’s random display of fondness, which he knew he would never have enough of. He unhooked Stell’s fingers from the joints but swiftly wrapped his arms around the younger man’s waist tightly. They pressed their lips gently and broke apart just as quickly. 

_“Huwag na. Go home na para you can rest well.”_ Pau sing-songed, trying his best to make his voice as convincing as possible because, if anything, he would never want to part with Stell even for a minute. But Stell was tired, and the last thing he needed was to tire himself more. Which wasn't impossible if they were to stay together for the rest of the night. _“Tomorrow morning ka na mag-empake. Matulog ka na agad pag-uwi. After lunch pa naman tayo aalis eh.”_

_“Hay, opo.”_ Stell sighed, leaning in to plant a quick kiss on the tip of Pau’s nose. _“I love you mamon.”_

_“I love you too. Sige na uwi na. Magtext ka kapag nasa bahay ka na.”_

_“Yes po. Sige na, pasok ka na.”_

_“Alis ka na muna. Andito lang naman ako sa unit.”_

_“Eh, pasok ka na nga muna.”_

_“Alis ka na muna kasi.”_

_“Hay naku Jampawlo”,_ Stell whined playfully before cupping Pau’s small face between his hands, stealing another kiss.

It was sincere and thoughtful, and Pau leaned into the warmth of Stell’s hands, his eyes closed, his lips moist and rosy. Stell let out another mewl, grumbling how could his boyfriend look so pretty and soft, making it a grueling task for him to leave. Stell would have thrown all his resolve out of the window had not Pau laughed and jokingly pushed him away toward the exit. Stell bade him a hesitant goodbye, and only his heavy footsteps marching down the staircase told Pau that Stell had finally left for real.

Pau looked over the balustrade and waved earnestly back at Stell. He was already treading along the dark alley, save for the lonesome ginger lights from the lampposts strewn along the path. He blushed at the gesture of that one last adorable flying kiss from the younger man just before he disappeared at the curve of the street.

*

The sun was about to descend to its cradle in the far vista, and it trailed along a speckle of peach bloom and amber that broke against the cool purplish dusk. It was almost 6 PM, in the middle of summer, yet daylight wasn’t as long as Pau had expected it to be. Though it was the least of his concerns, not when the beauty of twilight transpired before their eyes, like a miracle unfolding in the palm of his hand. He felt as though they were propelled into an entirely different dimension.

The place wasn’t even that far from the city where they came from, taking them four hours to reach their destination. Pau couldn't clearly tell since he was just lazing on the passenger seat as Stell drove them in his father’s car. He remembered how Stell looked like in his side profile; he had his round-rimmed spectacles on, his hair was tousled and Pau loved running his fingers through those soft, little tufts. He wore a slightly thick, dark cotton pullover that hugged the curves of his toned arms and torso.

If Pau was to neglect the fact that his boyfriend looked unjustly sexy at that moment, he would think wearing sweaters during summer was rather odd. But Stell had convinced him that it was particularly cold in the evenings, so he packed a couple of thicker garments with him too.

Stell had always looked so good in dark pieces, then again, Pau knew Stell always looked good in everything. And he always smelled really pleasant too. The kind of sweetness that makes him want to sink his nose and lips against the alcove of his neck all the time.

_“We’re here.”_ Stell had said, and Pau had to blink twice to knock himself out of his introspection.

A fine-looking young man had welcomed them with a wave of his hand, at the grassy vacant lot that served as the parking of the rented cabin. It was empty, and the moment Pau stepped out of the car, chilled air grazed his face and muddled his hair, that he had to re-do his half-bun. It seemed that Stell had been right all along, as goosebumps crept all over his arms.

The young man had grabbed their bags for them and walked ahead, the both of them trailing behind quietly, hand in hand, sharing each other’s warmth to contend the freezing breeze.

The trek to the cabin had been short, and the ground was a little damp from evening dews and as the air swirled by around them, their nostrils were filled with the scent of smoked earth and a freshwater spring. Crickets made a string of shrill chirps that echoed against the muffled waves created by the waters and the twigs that broke whenever they stepped on a few. Dead branches littered everywhere along with some dried flower petals, and Pau took it all in, breathing deeply. He thought it was magical.

Yet it didn’t compare to the splendor of the log cabin that stood in the middle of the woods and a spring. It was glowing from inside; they could tell from the tall glass panels which were strategically placed from random areas of the house.

Pau gaped at the sight, and so did Stell. The cabin had looked a hundred times more majestic than it did in the photos when they booked it on Airbnb. They excitedly hurried inside as soon as some briefing had been done.

There was an open porch with a small table and a couple of lazy stools that all looked like they were carved from a strong Red Oaktree. In the middle, sat a couple of plates and utensils, wine glasses, a bottle of Red Wine, and a tall glass vase filled with Sweet Peas and Calla Lilies. A lace of outdoor string lights in yellow-orange glow sprayed around the patio, accentuating the golden full moon and the star-filled night sky.

_“Damn,”_ was all Pau could say, and Stell smiled at him as he squeezed his hand in approval.

They went inside the house. It was small, but not quite, just the perfect size for two people and everything necessary was easily accessible on the ground floor. The living area was right beside the doorway. It had a huge couch that looked so soft, and a plain burgundy wool carpet around it. A few steps beyond it was another dining area and the kitchen. A mini staircase was designed in the middle of the house which led to the bedroom loft. Pau decided he needed to check the bedroom first.

And he did so, not knowing how to make of the overwhelming beauty the entire place had to offer. He silently regretted not booking for a few more nights, but he could definitely see them both coming back here really soon. Stell was suddenly beside him, and no longer flinched when he felt the coldness of his hands skimming around his waist, locking him up in a comfortable embrace. Feeling that everything was too much to take in, they sighed, both rendered wordless. But they knew they would make the most of their stay in this new-found sanctuary in the heart of the woods

*

_“Mamon,"_ Stell called out amidst the thin veil of white smoke in the kitchen, which he fanned away using his hands with little to no effort. The smell of butter and herbs were thick in the air and Pau took the scent in right away with a heavy sigh of content. He hopped towards Stell, fixed the bow of his apron, and pressed behind him, resting his chin atop Stell's shoulder. _"Mamon, pwedeng pasuyo naman nung Chimichurri Sauce, please."_

Confused, Pau stood motionless behind Stell, exchanging glances between the working table and his boyfriend. He scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment. _"Err, Chimi what?"_

Stell turned to look at Pau briefly and chuckled, his one hand gripping the hilt of the skillet where most of the smoke and mouthwatering aroma came from. Stell jutted his lips to the direction of the working table, where several mini porcelain bowls and some unnamed spices and ingredients were prepared.

_"Yang mga dry ingredients na nasa dishes dyan, lagay mo lang lahat dun sa malaking glass bowl. Tapos add ka konting water, vinegar, oil, salt, and pepper. Mix mo lang lahat, yun na yun."_

Pau gaped at Stell as though he was talking in some foreign language but he nodded nonetheless. He thought he better make himself useful in the kitchen somehow. So he did as he was told, asking questions now and then which Stell patiently responded to. After a while, he handed the bowl of sauce over to Stell, his heart swelling with pride at the success of his Chimi-something sauce. It smelled great, so the proper name no longer mattered.

The concocted fragrance of the grilled meat, herbs, butter, and wine sailed through the air, some escaping through the windows. They took a halt when both of them heard Pau's tummy angrily grumbling. The older man's cheeks flared slightly pink.

_"Aww, gutom na yung mamon,"_ Stell teased, grinning. _"Malapit na to. Una ka na sa porch, sunod na ako."_

Pau nodded and left Stell a peck on the cheek before walking his way towards the porch.

Soon enough, Stell was rushing out of the house with a scorching hot skillet and a steak fork in both hands. Pau licked his lips in delight as a thick slab of well-done steak was served on his plate, and the delectable tang of the sauce he made himself was poured over his meal.

They ate quietly for some time, reeling in the cool and soft breeze that gently swayed the string of lights overhead. The spring was calm, even when the gust of wind danced along with it, birthing small tides that kissed the cobbles and perished again afterward. Fragments of white light that was the echo of the moon, broke across the surface of the water.

Stell and Pau stared at each other for a while, and smiled, reaching for each other's hands across the table and entwining themselves. If it was possible to leave everything behind and live their lives just holding each other close, because just sitting next to each other doing absolutely nothing, meant absolutely everything to them. Would it be possible for a moment to let everything stay still?

Stell thought that the serenity of the place and the chilled air seemed perfect, so he reached out for the bottle of wine and poured an adequate amount for the both of them. He swiveled the glass in his hand, and the dark red liquid winsomely swirled against the crystal ware.

" _Happy third month, Mamon,"_ Stell said as he raised his glass, and Pau did so as well. Their eyes both gleamed under the night lights.

Pau's glass softly kissed the brim of Stell's glass as he sincerely answered. _"Happy third month, Stell."_

With a soft clink, they tasted its bittersweetness in unison and smiled affectionately at each other.

_"Grabe, hanggang ngayon, Stell lang tawag mo sa akin."_ Stell teased, feigning a pout.

Pau giggled. _"Ano ba gusto mo, Senpai?"_

_"Tsk. Ayoko n'yan. Ang cute cute ng mamon, kaya dapat cute rin yung pet name ko."_

Pau thought for a moment and flicked his fingers in what seemed like his eureka moment.

_"Alam ko na. Ubebe?"_

_"What the hell? Anong Ubebe?"_

_"From the rootword Langka-Ube haha. Ubebe! Cute diba?"_

Stell rolled his eyes because as much as he hated to confess, he found the endearment rather sweet and in fact, it was one of those significant little things that shaped their relationship from the very beginning. The way Pau would always leave two pieces of his favorite sweet treat at his workstation every day, without fail. Stell would have found it hilarious, to be honest, but he wouldn't question its value for anything. Enjoy those little things, they say, as you will look back one day and realize that they were the big things.

_"Whatever,"_ Stell smirked, and Pau snickered when he noticed the way the tips of Stell's ears turned rosy and he couldn't stop himself from staring at his boyfriend. He might have thrown the humor in, but he was the one getting swooned whenever he makes Stell blush, reflecting the glow of his sincere feelings. It was the most powerful charm of his beauty that always drew him in, deeper, harder.

Stell pulled his stool over to sit beside Pau, and they made another toast before guzzling up their liquors toward its last drops. They savored its aftertaste within each other's mouths through a deep kiss that almost seemed endless. They reluctantly broke away from each other to catch some air, foreheads pressed together, hands cupping each other's faces and basking in the comforting feel of their warmth against the cold of the night.

*

The wine bottle sluggishly tumbled down across the table, laying on its side, a few drops of whatever was left of it bled from the cold rim. Both wine glasses stood still, sucked dry, and pretending to be clean. When the wind blew westward, the scent of Peonies wafted through the chilled air.

Somewhere not too distant, Stell and Pau were laughing, their faces were red and somehow sweaty despite the cold. They were sprawled across the damp, grassy earth just in front of the spring, exploring each other's mouths, and their hands were all over the other's clothed body. They would soon giggle again at nothing in particular whenever they broke apart. Probably amazed at how the bittersweet wine could last this long in their tongues.

_"You taste so sweet, Paulo."_ Stell would say, rolling his tongue across his lips as though he could sip the wine anew.

Pau would grab Stell's shoulders and pull him closer to him so he could suck on his boyfriend's tongue and see for himself whether there was truth to his claims. Soft moans spilled from Stell's lips as Pau continued to devour the wet caverns of his mouth.

There weren't any outdoor lights on that area, save for the sullen white gold light offered by the moon, and whatever glow there was from the porch a few meters away.

Pau stood on his feet and stretched his arms overhead like he was reaching for the moon. Stell giggled at him, who was still splayed on the wet grass, staring intently at his boyfriend and watched in awe as Pau removed his shirt and discarded it carelessly on the ground.

_"Uy, what are you doing? It's cold."_ Stell asked, though it didn't seem like he was complaining. He continued watching as Pau eventually removed his shorts together with his underwear and he let the garments pool around his feet. He stepped out of his clothes and twirled under the moonlight. Some wet dirt and dead leaves clinging onto his feet as they sunk a little deeper into the ground.

While he was slightly tipsy, Pau was deeply conscious of Stell's gaze upon him. He had thrown over his clothes and bared himself as though it was nothing, but it wasn't. It was one thing to stand naked in the wilderness, under the moon, with nobody but fireflies to watch over you. But it was another thing to have someone else's eyes undress you, take in every inch of you, and yet still feel safe. All because it was Stell, his dearly beloved.

_"You're really pretty."_ Stell's eyes were wide, sincere admiration sparkling through them. He almost gasped when Pau turned to look at him and smiled, his hair dancing along with the wind. Stell wanted to run his fingertips again on that naked, alabaster skin. _"Have I told you that?"_

_"You have,"_ Pau nodded and smiled again. _"Many times."_

And even in the darkness, Stell could see the contour of his blush. Maybe he had Pau feeling modest, or maybe they had a little too much wine. Was an entire bottle too much? Stell could feel the heat lingering within his throat, his chest, but he was sure he could still think clearly. And he could see Pau extending his hand over to him, so he took it in his carefully, like he was holding a bubble.

_"Join me?"_ Pau helped him up on his feet, and it didn't take long before Stell was slipping out of his clothes, letting them fall onto the damp land.

They walked toward the cool spring, hands tangled tight, goosebumps crawling in their naked skin whenever the wind blew. As they dipped their feet into the water, ice pierced through their pores and they could have stopped and turned around, but they didn't. They walked and walked until they reached the deeper part of the spring where they were still deemed safe. They let their bodies sink and they held each other close, relying on each other's warmth for relief.

They kissed.

They let their hands delve into each other's bodies under the water, tracing muscles, teasing nipples, fondling their sexes. Stell's strong yet soft hands rested on Pau's ass as the younger man yanked his body closer. And Pau felt it naturally came as he wrapped his legs around Stell's slender waist, pressing against him firmer, trying to meld their bodies into one flame.

_"I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

They kissed once more.

And then it was growing colder, so with one last fervent kiss, they started for the shore, Stell keeping his grip tight on Pau's hand. They lay on the grass, and pieces of weeds and dried leaves clung to their backs. Pau's hand skimmed slowly over Stell's body, and the younger man reveled in the touch, his eyes sliding close. He kept them close even when he felt Pau's lips press against his throat, down to his chest and along his navel.

Stell could feel the light of the moon on him, and the tenderness of Pau's fingertips brushing against his cold, wet skin. Both felt mild and warm, that Stell could barely tell them apart but he knew he didn't need to. Not when it was the softest thing in the world, he felt precious. He never understood how it felt to be touched with affection, but now he has this.

Pau carefully spread Stell's legs wider, and Stell's muscles tensed under the heat of Pau's lips grazing along his hip bones, to the smoothness of his inner thighs. Stell opened his eyes and met Pau's gaze, whose lips were hardly an inch away from his sex.

_"You okay with this?"_ Pau asked, he could almost feel the heat radiating from the twitching, hard muscle near his mouth, and just the thought of tasting it made him shudder.

Stell breathed deeply, and he knew it was what he had always wanted, needed. He was ready. _"Go on."_

Pau leaned his face closer to plant a kiss on the head of Stell's cock, and the man underneath him drew a sharp breath. But it wasn't over. The small gasps swiftly turned to moans of pleasure and ache when Pau took his whole length deep into his mouth, and Stell swore he saw tiny lights spinning overhead.

Stell lay his head flat on the ground, his eyes drawing half close, unsure whether to succumb to the ecstasy or keep his mind clear and look into Pau's eyes as he rises and drops his mouth over his sex. He hung his lips open, and he could feel the cold air passing through his tongue and into his lungs. He swallowed hard as his chest heaved in the overpowering sensation.

The feeling was surreal. It felt so good. He was on a high.

He wanted to tell Pau to take him deeper, harder, faster, but he let him at his own pace, the strokes of his mouth around him deepening one moment, then licking just around the head the next. Stell was going mad with bliss, and his hips start thrusting upward involuntarily. The heat all over his body had began to gather in his core, he was closely going over his limits.

_"Pau,"_ Stell squeezed his eyes shut and harsh breaths escape from his lips with much effort. _"I'm, I'm close."_

Pau kept his rhythm steady even when Stell's fist pounded against the sloppy terrain when he had the first sparks of his orgasm. Stell shoved just a little more into Pau's mouth, wanting just a bit more. But then he felt his body go weak as he spilled over Pau's throat up to its last ounces, and the older man laved whatever he could.

For a few minutes, they lay still on the ground. Pau's arm splayed on Stell's lap, his face resting across Stell's thighs, basking in the mellow scent of sex and wet grass.

Stell ran his fingers through Pau's hair, and the older man lifted his face to look at him with a smile. His lips glistening, and Stell blushed at the image. He reached both of his hands out for Pau, and the older man took them, squirming his way beside Stell. He propped his head across Stell's chest, his long hair flared around his lover's skin. Pau wrapped his arms tightly around Stell's naked figure, torn between dreaming and rubbing himself on Stell's leg. He was still hard, and Stell chuckled when his leg felt the hard muscle brushing against it.

_"I'll make it up to you in a while."_ Stell leaned over to kiss Pau's hair.

_"Hmm...'kay,"_ Pau answered softly. _"Mahal na mahal kita Stell."_

_"Mahal na mahal din kita Pau."_

Stell felt happy and calm. Maybe it was Pau's voice, or maybe it was his face. Or perhaps it was the way Pau could stay with him through darkness, silence, and pain. Stell's life had been hard enough, and Pau had been there to calm his soul. With him, he was in his safe space, he found solace he thought didn't exist. It was that peace he had sought for a long time. And Pau, he made him fall in love with himself too. And he would move heaven and earth to make it stay.

Stell gazed up at the moon, it was full, and bright, and beautiful. It reminded him so much of the man beside him. For whenever he smiled, he fills his soul with his light. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to a friend, who's been begging me for a BJ scene. He's the same person who recruited me to the army LMAO! Here ya go!


	17. MELTING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the couple's second day at the cabin, in the heart of the woods. Stell planned for this day, but Pau had something else in mind.
> 
> This is the fluffiest love scene I've ever written. Let me know your thoughts about this, please? It was a struggle for me to deviate from SMUT, but I loved the challenge anyway. I hope I did okay. Enjoy the sappiness!   
> ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡
> 
> We're gearing towards the end! Hmm, last three or four chapters, perhaps?

* * *

_"Making love was never about you and me in a bed. We made love whenever we held hands."_

* * *

It was that time of the day torn between sunshine and the break of dawn. One could tell from the breeze outside that was both pleasant and crisp; not too cold, but definitely not humid. Tiny buds near the spring had started to bloom, and a joyful litter of white butterflies feasted around the new-born flowers.

A subtle beam of pale white light shone through the glass ceiling of the cabin, falling on one side of Stell's face, making him squint. His eyes were heavily closed still but he had been half awake for the last twenty minutes or so.

Finally, he cracked an eye open, patiently waiting until it adapted to the brightness of the room, before blinking and opening the other. He found himself lost in the beauty of the dancing clouds against the fine stretch of cerulean skies peeking through the ceiling. A flock of birds flew overhead, and Stell noticed some morning droplets resting on the surface of the glass. It was going to be a delightful day, he was sure of it. And the thought of their possible activities throughout the day gave him that much needed surge of thrill and energy to get up as early as possible.

A full yawn flee from Stell's mouth and he stretched his arms, feeling content upon the sound of his cracking bones. Then there was an unwarned shift of weight on his chest that nabbed his attention, since the heaviness went all the way down to his waist and onto his legs. A faint blush rose on Stell's cheek at the sight of Pau's nakedness sprawled across him, arms tightly clasped around Stell's waist while their legs were entangled against the furry sheets.

Stell's blush deepened at the memory from the night before, where Pau's lips sweetly closed around his sex and sent him over the edges of his own pleasure, gracefully executed under the serene moonlight.

It must have been the wine that lent them both the courage to commit such a dauntless act. Or it could also be the way Paulo had made him feel, something overwhelmingly powerful that he could not name. The passion that they both shared in their eyes made them want to burn each other's flesh and bones through the touch of their hands and the wetness of their lips. Truth be told, Stell just wanted to make love to Pau for eternity, like he has never been loved before.

He raked his fingers fondly across Pau's soft hair and hummed. He looked absolutely beautiful in his long locks, and Stell couldn't understand how he could be so fortunate to wake up beside this man. While he would wish to spend just a few more minutes in bed with his boyfriend and merely stare at his pretty face, he knew he needed to prepare their meal and their things for the activities he had in mind. Hence, with a deep sigh, he lifted himself, but only to plop back against the mattress. He winced at the slight ache in his temples and he rubbed them with his thumb. They must have drunk way too much wine.

_Hnngg, kape._ Stell's veins quaked in need of coffee, and he decided to make one for Pau as well. Strawberry pancakes seemed perfect to go along with those mugs of caffeine too.

Ever cautiously so, he hoisted Pau's arm and tried to place it on his opposite side. But the older man groaned and strained against his grip, once again finding Stell's waist and fastening his hand around it as though it was his safe space and nothing could come in between. There was nothing more precious than this and Stell felt his heart melted just a little. He swept a clump of hair away from Pau's face and gently tucked it behind his ear so he could lean close and whisper. _"Mamon ko, gagawa lang ako ng breakfast ha?"_

_"Mhmm~"._ As expected, however, Pau remained still and began snoring softly after. If anything, his grip around Stell's body tightened even more so.

It was already difficult for Stell to leave his boyfriend's side for a minute, but it was even more grueling to leave him when Pau was this adorable and needy, even in his sleep. _Sigh_. It was tempting to stay, but they have stomachs to fill, and a day of activities to enjoy.

Stell stared at Pau for another minute and he smiled mischievously, as he carefully unwrapped Pau's hand from his waist, and placed it over his naked crotch. Stell must admit, it might not be the best idea since as soon as Pau's warm hand grazed his cock, he felt all sorts of currents shooting throughout his body. But at least his plan seemed to have worked when Pau accidentally squeezed around Stell's sex and the sleeping man's eyes flew open in utter shock.

_"What the f_ _u_ _—_ _,"_ Pau's hand swiftly left Stell's crotch and whined as he hit Stell with his pillow multiple times. _"Arghh Stell!"_

_"Hala Mamon,"_ Stell used his arms to create a shield against Pau's attacks though it was futile as he grew weak laughing over Pau's insanely red face. But it still didn't stop Stell from teasing, not when he could draw out every single adorable pout and groans from his boyfriend, he would willingly do so whenever possible. _"Pinahawak na nga sa'yo, ikaw pa galit._ _Ano a_ _yaw mo? Ayaw mo?"_

_"Shut up. Go away."_ Pau murmured, grabbing his pillow and wedging it between his legs all before turning to the opposite side of the bed, mumbling barely understandable things. _"Antok pa ko~"_

Hearing Pau's delicate snores after the brawl, Stell chuckled and leaned over his boyfriend's sleeping figure to plant a swift kiss on his ear. _"Luto lang ako. I love you."_ After putting on his cashmere pajama bottoms, he quietly padded downstairs loft to prepare for their meal.

*

The air smelt of hot bread and strawberry syrup and a sinful stench of heavy caffeine. One whiff of it in the breeze was enough to keep you awake for the next few hours.

Stell and Pau were munching on a plateful of strawberry pancakes and mugs of black coffee at the porch while _"Beautiful"_ by Bazzi was singing in the background. Pau took stolen glances at his boyfriend who's quietly sipping his coffee beside him. He's in love with the sexiest man he has ever seen, and getting to spend a full weekend with him in the heart of the woods was something that seemed to come out of one of his daydreams.

There was nobody like Stell. He loves Stell not only for what he is, but what Pau becomes whenever they were together.

_"...rent ng canoe dun sa lake pagbaba ng hill tapos..."_ Stell paused mid-sentence and cocked an eyebrow at Pau before snapping his fingers in front of his face. _"Mamon! Kanina pa ako dumadaldal dito, parang hindi ka naman nakikinig eh."_

Pau chuckled. He was caught, but he was skilled at times like these. _"Nakikinig ako. Gusto mong mag-hike sa hill at mag-rent ng canoe dun sa lake sa ibaba. Tama?"_

Stell hated to admit but he was surprised that Pau did listen, which was far from how he had looked like a few minutes ago. What, with how Pau seemed to have been bewitched by some sort of spell as he gaped at him as he spoke, smiling from ear to ear as though he said something ridiculous. But at the same time, it warmed his heart with the way Pau had looked at him like he was the only person in the world that mattered.

To be honest, in Stell's world, there was also nobody else but Pau.

_"So, ano, game?"_ Stell asked excitedly.

On the contrary, Pau was anything but excited. He let out an uncertain hum as he forked a piece of pancake into his mouth and took his time chewing the food. _"Hmmm."_

_"Ayaw mo ba?"_ Stell asked sincerely, and while he felt a little sad that Pau didn't seem to feel thrilled at all with the To-Dos he planned during the last three days, all the regrets he felt were immediately replaced by a blush when Pau said he would love it more if they could spend the entire day at the cabin, snuggling.

It wasn't a bad idea, not at all. Because to be honest, it was exactly what he would have wanted, only he didn't wish to come off as desperate and too clingy, and eventually annoying. But as it turned out, it seemed he had nothing to worry about since Pau wanted the same thing, and his heart swelled with joy. They both knew they would soon come back to this place and they would find more time to actually do those activities. For now, he agreed that spending time together quietly would be the best way to cap their little celebration.

Hours swiftly went by and they had finished a few episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine over a bowl of fresh fruits and orange juice before Stell busied himself yet again in preparing their lunch. This time, Pau had taken the initiative to help slice the ingredients that Stell needed with his Zucchini Pasta with Cashew Basil Pesto and Fresh Salmon Chowder.

It also didn't go unnoticed by Stell how Pau teased that the dishes Stell came up with seemed much more suitable for the rainy days, which earned the older man an eye-roll from his boyfriend, which of course, Pau was ever quick to kiss away.

Once in a while, the older man would let his chin rest on Stell's shoulder while his hands found themselves settled on either side of Stell's waist, as the latter meticulously slaved over their hot meal on the stove. He would find pleasure with the way Stell blushed for whenever he praised him about his cooking expertise. His boyfriend even took time in garnishing both their plates and coming up with something as aesthetically pleasing as a Tumblr post. Stell all but smiled with the compliments Pau showered him, and when Stell countered how Pau would be so fortunate to have him as his husband, making sure that he would always be well-fed and full, he was rewarded with the same timid blush as well.

Not long after Stell had finished cooking came a clap of thunder out of nowhere, and before they knew it, it had been raining heavily outside. Both of their gazes automatically found each other and laughed. They shrugged the downpour off as a blessing in disguise and killed the next few hours watching several more episodes of B99 while they heftily ate their lunch across the bedroom floor.

They must have forgotten about the dessert when they decided to shift their attention toward each other, eventually making out while the series continued blaring on the screen. And quite frankly, neither of them really cared because, at this rate, the taste of each other's lips was far tastier and appetizing than any sweet treat Stell could ever come up with.

*

Pau took his time pleasurably appreciating Stell's naked chest, ghosting his fingertips to trace every ridge he could find, replacing his fingers with his lips occasionally and Stell would moan softly, which made Pau tremble each time. He wondered how they could still have their matching pajama bottoms on after that little intense make-out session just a few minutes ago.

Pau squirmed himself closer to Stell's body, enclosing every gap possible as he secured his hands tightly around his back and nosed his way along the softness of Stell's neck.

_"Stell,"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"Ligo ka na. Asim mo na."_

Pau's teasing met a gentle slap on his ass and a nip on his ear, leaving Pau's whole body tensed. He bit his bottom lip secretly, probably a little too hard, but he hoped that the tiny moan trying to escape from his throat would calm down. He never thought his bodily responses would be this susceptible even to the slightest touches from Stell, and it was unbearable to think that he was yearning for it terribly each minute. He exhaled a sigh of relief when Stell reluctantly broke from his embrace and rose from the bed to take a shower. He dismissed Stell with a wave of his hand, leaving a pout on the younger man's face.

As soon as the bathroom door closed, Pau hurriedly got out of bed and drew the curtains close before flipping the fairy lights' switch on. Pau hummed in content when the room was suddenly blanketed in a comforting dim light, where the fairy lights appeared like glitters scattered across the room. Lastly, he lit up a few perfumed candles, adding to the intimacy lingering in the atmosphere. _Perfect,_ Pau thought to himself, as a tinge of rosette mapped his cheeks.

He quickly slipped out of his cashmere bottoms, feeling confident and sexy, and treaded gracefully naked toward the bathroom.

Stell smirked against the warm gushing water from the shower when he felt a pair of arms skimmed around his waist from behind. He trembled lightly when Pau's lips found the lobe of his ear and nibbled on it softly.

_"Took you long enough."_

_"Missed me?"_

_"I always do."_

Plenty of feather-light kisses that transcended to deeper, fiercer ones and urgent touches drove them effortlessly into ecstasy, where both men let their sweet sounds fill the bathroom. Soon after, Pau was moaning for an entirely different reason, when Stell dropped down on his knees and compensated his lover for the pleasure he so selflessly gave last night.

Stell took him deep into his mouth, his hands roaming along the expanse of Pau's legs and inner thighs to soothe his trembling. Despite the water continuously flowing from his hair and onto his eyes, Pau struggled to keep them open so he could watch Stell's lips earnestly taste him, until he was already coming. Nonetheless, Stell had kept his mouth wrapped securely around his sex and Pau thought it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen.

They locked themselves around each other's grasp under the waters for some time, merely listening to their heartbeats and basking in their warmth.

But Pau was still tensed despite his orgasm. His body desperately wanted more, wanted so much more, that he wasn't even sure what it was he was begging for. Pau took one deep, determined breath before looming closer to Stell's ear and whispered, and he knew he was done for. _"Make love to me."_

Stell gently tore him from his embrace and stared at him with what seemed to be desire flashing through his eyes, with a hint of uncertainty and fright. _"_ _Mamon,_ _a_ _re you sure?"_

_"I am. Stell, please."_

_"I'd love to but,"_

_"But what?"_

_"I don't want to hurt you."_

_"You won't hurt me, love. I trust you."_

Pau laid a hand on Stell's cheek and all his resolve melted together with the warm droplets in his body. They kissed again with urgent need, and whoever turned the shower off no longer mattered. They were soon dragging themselves out of the bathroom while their lips fervently locked, reaching their bed in hasty but careful steps. As soon as the fragrance from the candles hit Stell's nostrils, his eyelids fluttered open and he hummed in wonder as the tiny lights got caught in his eyes.

_"Oh, wow. You prepared for it."_

Pau blushed, pursing his swollen lips from the kiss. _"Just a little something to, uhh, set the mood."_

Stell smiled and planted a soft kiss on Pau's lips, but it didn't conceal the evident worry sparkling in his eyes.

_"I know this will be your first, but this is mine too,"_ Stell paused, his face flushed. _"I really want to make love to you, so I made some...sort of research."_

_"Paanong research?"_ Pau asked, amused, rubbing Stell's arms to let him know it was okay.

The pink on Stell's cheeks flared deeper. _"I may, or may have not, watched a bunch of, uhm, porn."_ Stell stammered as he ducked his face against Pau's shoulder.

Pau chuckled. _"Haha. Same."_

It was clear, what they both wanted at that point, and it made Stell happy and content. Looking at Pau's eyes that told him exactly how much he's in love, made Stell discover that you do not simply fall in love with a face, nor a body, but with his soul. And when he fell in love with Paulo, every inch of him has become perfectly beautiful in Stell's eyes.

He kissed Pau, praying that with that one kiss, he could make him feel that he could worship his soul for a lifetime. He wanted to scribble songs all over his skin with his lips and tongue, and to let the taste of his mouth linger in his memory.

Pau found himself being lifted, a strong pair of arms held his back and legs until his body hit the soft, velvet cushions. He could be thrown anytime into a void and still, he wouldn't care, not when Stell was with him, kissing him like his breath could tear his skin from his flesh, and the fervor in his eyes could scorch him down to his bones. He felt lightheaded with pleasure and lust and overflowing affection.

Pau groaned when Stell broke their kiss, already yearning for the touch that was lost, and Stell smiled. _"Hold on baby."_

Stell knelt beside his overnight bag and fished some things from the side pocket before tossing them gingerly on the mattress. He noticed the way Pau's face flushed when he recognized the packet of condoms, a bottle of lube, and a small bag of finger cots.

_"Mamon, why are you so red?"_

_"I,_ _actually_ _, brought along the same stuff."_

Pau languidly stretched out across the mattress, and Stell never took his eyes off of his boyfriend, raking his eyes along his entire body. It wasn't as though it was his first time seeing Pau naked, but seeing him like this, all needy and aroused, hit Stell a pleasurable kind of different. He was undeniably seduced, making it even more evident when his sex throbbed at the sight of Pau, giving his own erection a couple of sensual strokes. It was more than enough to make Stell hard, mesmerized by the way his man looked stunningly comfortable with himself and his body. He was so fucking sexy.

Despite his pulsing urge to join Pau immediately on the bed, the need to ensure that his boyfriend was comfortable was his utmost concern. Thus, he carefully re-arranged the pillows behind Pau and made him lean against them when he thought such a position would be most convenient for him, all before drawing his face closer to Pau's and pressing a quick kiss on his forehead.

_"Mamon, I love you. If you feel uncomfortable or hurt, please let me know right away."_

_"Don't worry too much Stell. I love you. I trust you."_

It was all that Stell needed to go on, knowing that Pau loves him as much as he entrusts his soul to him. So there was nothing else Stell wished for but to let his touches send Pau to the edges of his ecstasy and make him feel that in his universe, he was the only one that existed.

Cold shivers crept up on the surface of Pau's skin as soon as he heard Stell popping the lid of the lube bottle open, generously drenching the finger cots covering three of his digits; rubbing them altogether until he was content with the lack of friction in between. Pau swallowed the lump in his throat, a little anxious but expectant. He gave Stell a determined nod when his boyfriend looked at him with unease, silently asking for his consent.

Pau leaned back properly against the cushions, raising his one leg and craning it against his chest to allow Stell better access and view of his entrance. And if Pau wasn't imagining things, he could have sworn he heard Stell moan.

_"You're so perfect; perfect for me,"_ Stell murmured in Pau's ear, leaving a tender nip on its shell, as his other free hand faintly brushed along Pau's thighs.

Pau let out a shaky breath, sighing in anticipation. _"Stell_ _—_ _,"_

Pau thought of biting his tongue to stifle a huge moan as soon as Stell's finger teased around his entrance, but he realized they were free, alone in the cabin in the heart of the woods and that there was no need to hold back. So let himself submit to this newfound pleasure and let the songs spill from his mouth, and Stell watched in fascination how his lover writhed under his touch.

_"Feels good, Pau?"_

_"Yes, yes. More please,"_

Stell slowly pressed the first finger in, it was extremely tight, and he could only imagine the slight burn Pau must have been feeling that moment when pain flashed across the older man's face.

_"Ahh Stell—,"_

_"I'm so sorry baby,"_

_"Sshh, it's okay. Keep going, please,"_

_"I got you baby. I love you so much."_

_"I love you too, Stell."_

Stell leaned closer so he could kiss Pau, licking his boyfriend's lips to help soothe the sting, and it must have worked when Pau's tensed muscles slowly relaxed. He continued kissing him while Stell's finger circled inside, caressing around the walls tenderly until the muffled sounds coming out of Pau's mouth were no longer tainted by pain, but by pleasure.

_"_ _One more,_ _baby_ _._ _I'm sorry."_

_"It's okay. Go on."_

Pau gasped deeply through the renewed soreness upon the addition of a second finger, but Stell was quick to stroke a hand around his thighs and kissed Pau again and again, until the older man sighed, slowly growing acquainted to the stretch. They both took their time, easing two fingers in and out. Stell's eyes gleamed in awe as Pau's pink entrance clenched around his digits, in perfect tempo with Pau's moans and the arching of his back against the mattress. Pau looked a hundred times even more beautiful in his raw, intimate state, his hands twining around the velvet sheets as he sensually called out Stell's name over and over.

Pau whimpered as soon as Stell's fingers sailed out of him and carefully rolled a condom around his length and coated it as well with a generous amount of lube. If any, Pau suddenly felt troubled as he stared at Stell's hard-on, wondering if he could take something in that size. But all his worries came to a stuttering halt as soon as Stell positioned himself between Pau's legs and teased his entrance with the tip of his cock.

With another nod of consent from Pau, Stell smoothly inched his way inside, taking a pause once in a while to let Pau breathe and relax. He peppered Pau with quick, affectionate kisses on his eyes, his nose, and his lips, telling him how brave and wonderful he was and that he was making Stell feel good just the same.

Stell tasted a little saltiness when he kissed Pau's eye, as a droplet of tear fell, finally resting on the younger man's lips.

_"Does it hurt, baby? I'm sorry."_

_"A little, but it's alright. Please take me."_

_"Baby, take your time. We have all night, okay? Tell me if I should stop."_

_"No, no, don't stop."_

Stell worriedly stared at Pau for a moment. He was incredibly tight but moist around him and felt pleasantly warm at the same time. He let both his thumbs ran back and forth along Pau's hip bones, wishing it could help subdue the pain he was feeling.

But Pau might have thought that Stell was taking too long in trying to soothe him, so he smiled up at his boyfriend and pushed his own weight down a bit without warning, sheathing Stell's cock completely. The movement caused the both of them to gasp and moan. They paused again, trying to adjust around the tightness and the stretch.

_"Stell,"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"You can move. I'm okay,"_

Stell pulled out a little and thrust back in, his hips meeting Pau's ass with a gentle slap, making the older man cry out which sounded more of pleasure than pain. Pau urged Stell to continue with his sensuous whimpers and encouraging caresses.

Not long after, all that Stell could focus on was the tight, moist heat around his sex as he rolled his hips persistently, and the room was filled with moans and a never-ending fable of Stell's name, richly pouring out of Pau's lips. Stell could not make out the strange, overwhelming sensation he was now feeling throughout his body. It was like nothing he had ever felt before and he gladly welcomed it.

Each single thrust of Stell's hips pushed them both further up the mattress, making him press deeper into Pau and the older man jolted in what could only be pure, sexual pleasure as Stell hit that sweet, bundle of nerves that had Pau crying once more.

Stell continued to graze on that spot, again and again, leaving Pau a whimpering turmoil underneath him, mind in complete haze and ecstasy, and Stell couldn't think of anything else but how beautiful Paulo looked at that moment. It was beyond anything that he could ever imagine.

_"Stell, I'm, I'm gonna,"_

_"Me too baby. Just a little more, please,"_

Pau's hands swiftly closed around his cock and began pumping himself, gingerly at first and gradually hastening his pace when Stell picked up speed as well, a warning of his approaching climax. Pau continued stroking his now dripping erection, and the sight underneath Stell was too much for him to bear, it was almost maddening. He crashed his lips against Pau's own as they both twitched around each other, moans, and labored breaths trapped within each other's throats hungrily as they rode themselves through their orgasm.

  
  


_"Fuck. That was—, that was amazing."_

_"It was,"_ Pau breathed shakily. _"You felt so good."_

_"Mahal na mahal kita Pau."_

_"Mahal na mahal din kita Stell."_

*

  
  


_"It's colder tonight,"_ Pau mumbled against Stell's supple collar bone, planting tender little kisses along a straight line.

Stell kept his eyes up, his fascinated stare piercing through the glass window up the ceiling, and if possible, straight through the star-filled evening sky. It was indeed colder, and while the rain had already stopped, the wind didn't die down. The breeze swept through the lake, sending mists into the grass and some that reached the windows of the cabin. They could perhaps, make use of a fireplace in here if there was any. That would even be dreamier than it already was. But neither of them could complain, not when they still felt delightfully comfortable despite their nakedness, because they will always be there to hold each other close and keep the other warm.

_"Don't you want to wear something?"_ Stell asked, rubbing a hand over the smoothness of Pau's arm.

_"Hmm, not really. I like this better."_ Pau said sincerely as he snuggled even closer to Stell.

They were both tired; tired, but blissful. The last few hours were probably the best moments Stell could ever burn in his memory. He couldn't be grateful enough to Pau, for letting him in, letting him see and taste the most miraculous of things. Looking back a few months before, he had always thought he was meant to live his life in grief. But Pau came along and turned his world upside-down and by that, he knew he fell in love with the right person. Someone who would never want to hurt him, someone who would place his head on his chest just to listen to his heartbeat.

Stell never knew he could think about anyone that he would love to wake up to each day. That gave him hope and strength to fight his demons and triumph against them.

He had his twelfth, the last therapy session, a week prior and everything felt like a vision. It was amazing to finally fall asleep and wake up the next day without threats of bad dreams, nor fear of being held sexually, as long as it will always be Paulo. He felt as though he was re-born, and the feeling was extraordinary.

For the first time in a long time, he felt human.

_"Ubebe?"_ Pau murmured with a soft smirk when he saw the frown on Stell's face.

_"Ubebe pa rin?"_

_"Cute yan. Huwag ka na magreklamo"_

Stell sighed in defeat. It wasn't as though he could stop Pau from giving him all sorts of ridiculous terms of endearment but honestly, whatever he called him always left him a soft fuzzy warmth in his chest.

Pau pressed his lips tenderly on Stell's chest and looked up at his boyfriend affectionately, his eyes glistening in the light. _"You're the best thing that I've waited for in this lifetime_ _, Stell. I'll choose you every day."_ Pau said sincerely as he brushed a single tear that fell from Stell's eye.

Stell kissed Pau, as feverish as though he wished to atone for all the days and years that he could have kissed him. It was those lips that he wished to kiss every morning when he woke up, and every night before he went to sleep.

Stell sighed deeply as soon as their lips parted, his eyes glimmered with light and choked tears.

_"One day, Pau,"_ Stell said. _"One day, I will marry you."_

They kissed again to stop Pau's tears from falling, but they failed. They kissed amidst the cold and the tears and reveled in the unfathomable emotion until they were gasping for air.

Whenever, wherever, they were a puzzle that fits perfectly together; every angle, every corner. Their love came at the right time, the right place, and with the right person. They knew that whatever happens, they were always meant to be together.

They held each other close, as they both tenderly gazed up at the glass window of their ceiling, admiring while counting the stars painted through the tinseled dead of night.

  
  



	18. SWEET AND RECKLESS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stell goes on a Team Building holiday for a week and Pau misses him. 
> 
> Or 
> 
> Pau couldn't bring himself to cum and is being a bratty and whiny, big beybie.
> 
> In short, this and the next chapter are brimming with smut.
> 
> Before anything else, let me tell you that this chapter is bitin. But hear me out! I've been working on this chapter for almost two weeks already and it is quite upsetting. It usually takes me 3 to 4 days to complete a single chapter so I’m really frustrated with what’s happening and I thought I need to upload the first half already because if I don’t, I strongly feel like I won’t be able to continue writing the second half. I feel that way for some reason, so please understand. This is my way to move forward to the succeeding scene. I’m really sorry. It’s okay if you skip this chapter, I’d totally understand. I’m posting this for my own peace of mind.
> 
> And thank you to those who’ve been waiting patiently for my updates. I know it’s been a while. Life priorities are happening but rest assured that I will finish all of my ongoing series, by hook or by crook. Love yew.

A heap of burning cold ice greeted Pau’s blank stare as he reluctantly sipped the last few remaining drops of his Iced Americano _to-go_. The bitter tang of the liquid slithered through his metallic purple straw, down to the cave of his throat that made him burp and giggle for a fleeting moment. Unconsciously licking his lips all over, he savored whatever caffeine lingered on them as though he wasn’t on his second cup already from just this afternoon. 

He sighed, and the smell of his black coffee breath sat on his nostrils that made his nose wriggle. He sighed again, only a little heavier, combined with the slow drag of his eyebrows in the middle of his forehead as he scrolled past his social media feed; spying on the shared images of his colleagues that included that one familiar person in them. 

There were photos of Stell smiling; photos of Stell laughing, photos of Stell in group activities, photos of Stell speaking in front, and more and more photos of Stell, pulled him in relentlessly. He saved each image with a frown, all traces of giggle from just a few seconds ago no longer noticeable. He briefly stared at one particular candid shot of Stell before setting it as his phone’s latest wallpaper. 

Shaking the poor plastic cup earnestly and concluding it was time to let go, Pau unwittingly flung the empty canister into the garbage bin just beside his bed and lets out a bored puff of air once the cup dove straight inside the bin flawlessly. He lazily sprawled across his mattress; one arm tucked under his head comfortably, and went back to scrolling to more photos of Stell in his news feed. 

Stell really had a bright smile no matter where he went or who he was with. But his smile would always be the most beautiful whenever they were together. And before Pau could help it, he was already frowning. 

Pau felt sad. 

_Ah_ , scratch that. 

He wasn’t _just_ sad. He was restless, and all sorts of cranky. It wasn’t a first, if that was supposed to render any consolation; in fact, he’s had a few episodes of a similar kind of distress and grumpiness before. Most of which were often caused by exhaustion from work, or his exasperations whenever he couldn’t satiate his thirst to craft new songs that he wanted to hear Stell sing before they went to sleep. 

So, yes, such a maddening state wasn’t a stranger, but it doesn’t mean he’s willing to get used to it; especially not when he’s feeling down for an entirely different reason other than work or unfinished melodies. 

If there was anything the least bit rewarding to come out of all Pau’s stray fits of temper, was that Stell was always there to make things better. 

Pau’s petulant expressions and any mere attempts to pull his hair out of frustration would be gone in a heartbeat, especially not when Stell was ever-present to sweep him over with those thoughtful back hugs and random kisses, let alone those feather-light nips along the back of his neck that tickled him so. 

Pau loved it even more when words of praises were whispered affectionately like a love charm. It would make Pau blush a pale scarlet that Stell always found cute. 

He yearned for those tender massages on his back until his taut muscles softened. Only Stell’s deft fingers could give him comfort like that, make him feel things that were both sweet and reckless. 

But his favorite would always be that Stell who serenaded him with songs that Pau himself wrote, and he never thought his music would ever sound so enthralling the way Stell sings it, like caramels and Magnolias dissolving into the breeze, sailing him mindlessly into some undiscovered fields of Eden. 

Stell always knew what to say or do whenever Pau was having a bad day, and that was what made all the difference. 

Because at this moment, Stell wasn’t there to tell him it was okay, that he would soon feel better because Stell was there to make things better. Stell wasn’t there to hug him and make love to him and kiss all his frustrations away. 

His boyfriend was out of town since last weekend, and it wasn’t as though Stell could ditch that trip for Pau. It was a company Team Building event somewhere up north, together with several other officers from the higher management. Although Pau knew he could because Stell _actually did_ tell him that he could just call in sick and miss the trip altogether, since anything would be better than to be away from Pau for a week. 

Nevertheless, as appealing as the idea sounded for the both of them, Pau didn’t have it in him to be inconsiderate. It wasn’t something up for discussion, certainly. Stell had to go, so Pau convinced him that he would be okay and that they could just make up for it the following weekend. Pau tried his best to sound as enthusiastic as possible and he might have just succeeded when Stell finally conceded after a couple more minutes of coaxing. It was probably the most resentful triumph because here is Pau now, definitely _not_ okay and regretting his decision every second. 

And he thought wallowing in four to five cups of iced caffeine on a daily basis would somehow fill the void of Stell’s absence. But frankly speaking, who the hell was he kidding? 

Pau knew he was being petty at this point but he couldn’t bring himself to bother. He and Stell has been practically hinged at the hip ever since they started dating ten months ago, and the longest he had to suffer being away from his boyfriend was less than 48 hours, and he was already feeling sour and tormented everyone around him like a plague. Who the fuck said he could endure one week? 

_“Ubebe ko, uwi naaaa.”_ He whimpered, pounding a closed fist against his mattress but his weight only caved in against the cushion and he grumbled all the more because he wanted something solid to connect his fist with. But he knew Stell wouldn’t be happy if he ended up hurting himself. So instead, he glared at his phone so hard, he could almost wish to drill real holes in it. 

Who knew he was capable of being ridiculously needy like this? 

Well, Pau knew the real reason and that reason was something he couldn’t even admit, not to anyone, not even to himself. He misses Stell, there was absolutely no question about it. Yes, he wanted to see him and spend time with him more than anything. But there was something else, something that lacks and he craves for. 

He unlocked his phone again and began hunting for more photos at the Team Building. He was searching for something more specific, to help him ease his distress. And then there was one image that seemed to call to him, taunt him even; a photo of Stell in the swimming pool, sporting a dripping wet, plain white shirt that meticulously painted the dips and curves of his muscled abdomen underneath. 

_“Fuck,”_ Pau hissed. He was frankly anxious for something more, like a shirtless Stell maybe. But then he vehemently shrugged that thought away when he realized the potential of other people reveling at such a beautiful sight that was exclusively made for his eyes and nobody else’s. His sudden possessiveness made him grit his teeth. 

So yes, this would do for now. And yes this was the reason. The same reason why he couldn’t sleep properly and stayed until the wee hours of the night, the same reason why he couldn’t even flash that familiar smile to Mitch every time she handed him the Iced Café Americano, the same reason why he so recently snapped at one of his teammates just because he thought she smelled like moist armpits. 

His mood was foul during the past few days because of how excessively horny he was, and he couldn’t bring himself to climax properly for the lack of Stell’s kisses and Stell’s touches; basically just the lack of anything Stell. Heck, he couldn’t even bring himself to build a measly dry orgasm. 

_Oh_ , how despicable this situation he found himself in. 

Pau knew he was becoming a handful to other people day by day but was he to blame? It has been a week. One fucking week with a hard dick and a rough hand that didn’t give him anything other than unhappy balls. It was almost laughable at this point because Stell was coming home tomorrow, at long last, and he couldn’t even wait one more grueling day? The answer is _No_. 

He wouldn’t even last another minute looking at long and chunky objects without Stell’s spectacular penis invading his mind. Oh, his boyfriend was truly the king of cocks, he could build a dick shrine and worship it all day.

It was the only thing Pau ever needed, especially when he’s all spent at work and Stell only gets to talk to him during the night because they had a lot of outdoor activities during the day at the camp. Nothing seemed to help ease his circumstances, not even a little, but maybe tonight, it wouldn’t turn out so bad since he already had something to visualize with. 

And it wasn’t long before he was already feeling terribly hot again. 

_“Stell,”_ he groaned, voice strained in his throat as he twisted and turned over his mattress, mind fogging, and the only thing being processed by his brain at the moment was just how awfully hard he was between his legs. One particular roll over to his side tugged on his sensitive cock and he cried out to the renewed wave of heat that washed over his skin. 

He turned over flat on his stomach, desperately rubbing his erection against the softness of his sheets and whining each time. He was already gasping for breath, feeling the heat and sweat emitting from his pores. _Oh god, Stellvester._ He lifted a hand over to his mouth and bit it, slightly whining in the little pain that bloomed under his skin. It was too much to bear for someone who was alone and hopelessly aroused. 

The thought of just how awfully worked up he was over a photo, that wasn’t even nude, had his face flaring up in embarrassment, but he knew it couldn’t be helped. Not when his boyfriend was hot as hell and putting him on dripping-wet clothes only made his carnal situation worse. It had Pau blushing terribly, not exactly understanding why he must suffer this way. 

It wasn’t wrong; it was his boyfriend he was aching for after all. He shoved his hand inside his pajamas, hips shuddering as he moaned out Stell’s name, imagining just how Stell’s hand would fit around his cock nicely, stroking him teasingly as he always does before going down on him and devouring him like a piece of meat. _Ah, maginoo but slightly bastos._ Yes, he wanted that. He always wanted Stell to treat him just a little rougher, wondering what it would feel like to break under his skin sometimes. 

_“Shit,”_ Pau cursed, growing more than aware of the building strain in his groin. He was finally feeling close than he has ever had for the entire week. He badly wanted to cum. He unlocked his phone once again and stared hungrily at Stell’s pool photo, he licks his palm before bringing his hand again to his sex, pumping eagerly but steadily. He really was getting close, so, so close. 

Feeling content upon hearing the soft purr drumming in his chest, he whimpered louder until he was swamped in his own melody of euphoric sex sounds. He could feel this was it. There was no holding back, running breathless and trembling. And then his eyes had to waver just a little in that particular moment, his gaze falling on the woman beside Stell in that photo. 

_Euna_. 

_Wait._

_What?_

Had she been in that photo all this time and Pau had been thinking with his dick to not even notice? 

Pau narrowed his eyes more and he felt a knot in his stomach. Her arm appeared to be pressed somewhere behind Stell, and while he couldn’t see whether she had her hand flat on Stell’s back, it also didn’t mean that it wasn’t. He rolled his eyes and snorted, ogling at the witch’s smile that looked so distinctly fake, looked so annoying. 

_“Saya ka?”_ Pau grunts and mumbles something under his breath along the lines of _be gone, demon!_ Although it didn’t take him long to knock himself out of his wits and acknowledged that he was just being paranoid; paranoid and unbelievably horny. He still wouldn’t be saying sorry, that’s for sure; over his dead, beautiful body. 

And that was when he became painfully aware of one more thing, one that was much, much worse. 

_“Oh no. Not again!”_ he yelped, realizing how significantly close he was to achieving that crucial orgasm just a minute ago just to completely annihilate the moment made him want to award himself with a well-deserved sucker-punch on the head. He flailed and kicked his legs haphazardly around the blanket that was innocently pooled between his feet until they tangled around him, riling him up more than he already was. _“Bwisit!”_

_He needed that orgasm so bad!_ He was going to die; definitely going to die. 

He tried again, stuffing his hand inside his pajama bottoms and in all despair, pumping himself briskly to complete hardness but for some reason, he just couldn’t seem to stir his mind off of that photo. 

Suddenly, the photo seemed cursed and it left a bitter taste in his mouth, so he pitched his phone onto the mattress, though a little harder than he intended so he had to almost dive to the opposite side of the bed to catch the flying gadget before it could crash against the bedpost. It landed safely on the edge of his palm, wiping a non-existent sweat for he still had three months of that phone left to fully-pay. That would’ve sucked really bad. 

He slid his eyes to a close, clearing his throat and trying to compose himself before he went back to the important matter at hand. 

Pau tried his best to imagine other things, like the first time Stell gave him a hand job, the first time he gave Stell a blowjob, the first time he and Stell had sex on their third monthsary, and all the other times they had sex. 

_“Come on, come on, fuck!”_

He bit his lip as he felt himself sweating on the forehead and along his back, seeping through the fiber of his clothes and soaking the sheets underneath. He was terribly hot, but none seemed to be sufficient to blow his balls off. He kept jerking his cock fast and wretched, but the absence of Stell had rewarded him nothing but a choked sob that made him almost cry out of frustration. 

Shoulders dropping weightily, Pau exhaled his grief, feeling far too resigned and exhausted to even consider trying again. His lower lip wobbled with the insatiable pain in his abdomen and struggled to keep his eyes from sliding shut. But it wasn’t long before he succumbed to sleep, snoring his lungs out while his pajamas remained knotted between his thighs, and his hand wrapped around his half-hard dick. 

* * *

_Friday_. Pau was pretty sure he had been waiting in anguish the entire week for Friday to arrive. It was finally that day and he even woke up extra early that morning, picking a newly-bought long-sleeved polo to make him look and feel confident around the office. He was weirded out by how overly ecstatic he had been acting when in fact; he was just going to welcome Stell back. Was that odd? 

He could remember how elated he was all day at work, but now, it’s already half past 7 PM and he just couldn’t wash the grimace off of his face. Pau was upset but worried even more so. Some couple of hours ago, he received a message from Stell that the bus was already headed back to their office where everyone’s supposed to be dropped off. They should have arrived at this point basing on his rough estimate but it seemed it wasn’t the case. 

His one week-worth of emotional, physical, and sexual deprivation was taking its toll on him that every little thing and movement would make him flinch. Not to mention how swiftly he fumbled for his phone upon hearing the notification sound he assigned specifically to Stell’s number. But when the messages came in continuously, he knew something was up. 

Pau’s temples throbbed as he checked the messages out one by one, until his frown grew impossibly deeper as he took in all the information that the office bus broke down along the highway and Stell and all the other officers were currently stranded at a gas station. 

He remotely jumped when his phone rang and vibrated within his grip. Stell was calling, and he answered it right away with a slight worry in his voice. 

_“Mamon kooo,”_ Stell cooed in a pitch so incredulously high that made Pau giggle before he could even say _hello_. _Oh_ , how Pau missed his voice! It was funny how just two words could instantly iron out the creases on Pau’s forehead which were immediately replaced with a mild blush. 

_“Ubebe kooo,”_ Pau whined in return, and the pink in his cheeks only deepened by the way Stell laughed on the other line. Stell, without a doubt, would already be pinching his cheeks or the little mamon in his tummy, or when the mood calls for it, his butt, for whenever Pau makes cute, little whimpers just for the heck of it. 

He knew Stell was always weak for it. But it wasn’t going to work tonight by the way things were heading. 

_“Mamon, mukhang matatagalan pa kami dito eh, mauna ka na umuwi,”_ and Pau’s face twisted into a scowl. He made a long sigh that surely didn’t go unnoticed by Stell. _“Tampo ka ba? Sorry na, wag ka na magalit please?”_

Pau knew he didn’t have it in him to feel upset for so long, not when he could clearly picture Stell’s pout and doe-eyed look in his mind and that was all it took to soften him into a mush. 

_“I’m not mad. Just worried, saka syempre excited ako makita ka. Miss na miss na kita eh.”_ Pau confessed sincerely and he smiled at Stell’s adorable _aww_ echoing in the other line. 

_“Date kita bukas, bawi ako. Mag-dinner ka na ha? Gabi na eh, para makapag-pahinga ka na rin.”_

Frankly, there was still little hope in Pau that he could probably wait a few more hours so he and Stell could grab dinner together. But then again, he likewise knew it was futile at that point. It was already getting late and the constant grumbling in his belly would not die down anytime soon until satiated. Thus, he nodded his head in reluctance. 

_“Okay, uuwi na ako. Mag dinner ka na dyan. May mga fast food naman dyan sa gas station 'no?”_ Pau paused for Stell to respond with a yes. _“Good. Just keep texting me please. Alis na ako.”_

_“Ingat ka. Derecho uwi ha? I love you Mamon ko.”_

Pau rolled his eyes and smiled. _“Opo 'tay. Ikaw rin. Uwi agad. Bawal landi. I love you too.”_

Pau smiled again endearingly at the sound of Stell’s last giggle before tapping on the end call button. Perhaps he could just treat himself to a hefty dinner to distract his mind from the fact that he was to endure just one more night without Stell, and surely, another night without a decent orgasm. But Pau guessed he just had to set overthinking aside for once and trust his boyfriend’s judgments. After all, it was Stell, and Stell _always_ knew what to do. 

...To be continued...


	19. SACCHARINE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an entire week of cum-lessness, Pau can't take it anymore. He becomes a little, err, bratty and whiny and annoying af, and Stell doesn't know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, for the Nth time, I'm so sorry for taking such a long time in updating this fic. I've been prioritizing my commissions (and some one-shots that keep on popping in my head out of nowhere) so I hope you understand. But rest assured that I'll update whenever my schedule permits me to. 
> 
> Anyway, so here's Chapter 19. You see, I've been imagining a grumpy-whiny-super horny Sejun a lot lately. So I thought, maybe I could turn him into this needy, little brat for this chapter. Funny, but I also got a DM from a certain moot who's been craving for some Mothership harutan-turned-car-sex scene that caused her some sleepless nights LOL. I tweaked it up a bit and here's what you get. Hope you like this!
> 
> P.S. After this chapter, there's one more chapter before we ultimately reach the Finale. But I'll save my tears and thank yous when that time comes. For now, enjoy!

_Stell didn’t know what to do._

It should be a pleasant Saturday morning. He picked Pau up sometime before lunch and was earnestly hoping to be greeted by a kiss or a warm hug at least. After all, they didn’t see each other for an entire week, which apparently was the longest time they’ve ever spent away from each other. But then, he could’ve sworn that the person who just hopped into his SUV and plopped lazily on the passenger seat, was more of a zombie than the boyfriend whom he pictured would be very bright and energetic, as soon as he saw him. 

Stell could almost smell the gloom steaming out of Pau’s body, making him fiddle on his seat with anxiety, instantly thinking whether he was at fault. They ended the call last night being all lovey-dovey like usual, as far as he could remember. _Did he do or say something wrong?_

He observed the faint dark circles under Pau’s eyes, and a bit of disheveled hair that his boyfriend frantically tried to fix by brushing up the clumps with his cute fingers, which were adorned with several rings of varying shapes and designs. Pau gathered the rowdy pieces of hair, and pulled them back with an elastic band that ended up in a messy half-bun, and Stell wanted nothing more than to bury his nose on it. Pau’s hair was beginning to crawl past the little of his nape, Stell noticed, and the subtle curls that made their way on the ends of his locks highlighted the tenderness of his face. 

The Mint Green hoodie and the jacket of an almost similar shade that Pau chose to wear for their date made him look bubbly, not counting the soft, light blue denim and crisp, white sneakers he had on made him look thick and cute; a stark contrast to his sour mood that was beginning to fill the discomfiting air inside the vehicle. Pau looked really beautiful, it wasn’t up for debate, but Stell was clearly more concerned that the older man seemed to lack sleep for, from the looks of it, more than a day. 

Stell leaned over to Pau and jutted his lips forward, still hoping he could get his welcome-back kiss, but when almost half a minute had passed and nothing was happening, not when Pau had his eyes helplessly drooping closed and his head swaying back and forth at intervals, Stell finally freed a distressed whimper out of his throat. 

“Hoy mamooon,” Stell grimaced, and at long last, Pau shifted to look at him, gaze automatically falling on his sad pout. Stell watched how his boyfriend became flushed in that instant, whether it was out of embarrassment, he couldn’t tell anymore. He was just thankful that he swiftly leaned over to him with a soft kiss, but he was no longer surprised when Pau just went back to his expressionless face as though nothing happened. “Hay. Akala ko hanggang bukas pa ako naka-nguso dito eh. Uhm…okay ka lang? Mukha kang zombie.”

Pau all but rolled his eyes at the statement and while he perfectly knew it was intended to be a joke, he wasn’t feeling it at that moment. Not when he’s barely had an hour of sleep, which of course, he plans to keep from his boyfriend. Pretty sure he would fail that soon though since his heavy eye-bags and constant yawning would surely give him away.

“I’m perfectly fine,” He lied, voice coming off thicker than he would have liked and Stell could only frown at him strangely as he watched Pau strap himself under the seatbelt. ”Tara na, nagugutom na ako.” 

“Ah, sabi ko nga eh,” the younger man stammered as he kept staring at his grumpy boyfriend, fingers gingerly tapping along the steering wheel under his grip. “Mukhang wala ka pang tulog ah. Power nap ka kaya muna dyan?”

“Yokong matulog.” 

“Uhm, eto may cookies ako dito na binake kanina, gust— “ 

“Mamaya na lang.” 

“Eh medyo malayo yung pupuntahan natin baka—” 

“Ayaw.” 

Out of utter confusion, Stell only got to blink absently at Pau, scratching his head before tossing the clear box of cookies back into the compartment with a click of his tongue. Seriously, could anyone tell him what the heck was going on because he didn’t have the slightest clue? He tightened his grip on the steering wheel and let the engine roar to life before they finally made their way to the mall. 

Stell could only wish for a happy and peaceful drive along the way, at the very least. 

* 

The sun was usually high up at this time, but it kept concealing itself behind the dense billow of clouds that was neither sterling white nor somber gray. They rolled their windows down and let the surprisingly cool breeze swirl around them inside the car; the air-conditioning had since been turned off. Stell was enjoying the cool January air and when he took a whiff, the scent of freshly-baked croissants grazed his nostrils. His belly kept grumbling and he almost drooled at the thought of a lunch buffet at the mall, which was, thankfully, less than a couple of minutes away. 

But then his thrill quickly dwindled when Pau only gave him a small nod despite Stell’s obvious excitement when he asked whether they should opt for a lunch buffet. It was almost as if Pau didn’t want this date at all which made Stell grip on edge. He nipped the inside of his cheek to keep himself from getting annoyed at Pau, which wasn’t too farfetched at that point. But then again, he missed him a lot, so he chose to understand whatever it was that’s happening. 

They immediately fled to the nearest buffet, Stell almost dragging Pau on his heels, secretly wishing that the meal could work its charm and lighten the foul mood his boyfriend was in, one way or another. But it didn’t take long before Stell figured out that he guessed neither wrongly nor correctly. It was probably the quietest lunch they’ve both spent, and Stell had wanted to keep talking, describing the things and what-nots that happened during the Team Building holiday, just to steer clear from the absolute silence awkwardly looming in their table. 

While Pau had dutifully shown how attentive he was to Stell’s talking by nodding, albeit wryly, every now and then, he had likewise busied himself on mercilessly stabbing the leaves of his salad with his fork. Stell would’ve forgone it, honestly, but there was something on Pau’s facial expressions that bothered him so. For a moment, Pau even looked like he was going to cry by the way his eyes turned misty, but then, he just wouldn’t say anything reasonable when Stell begged to let him know what was wrong. 

_“Mamon, ano ba kasing prob—“_

_“Wala.”_

_“Puyat lang.”_

_“Gutom lang ako.”_

_“Inaantok ako.”_

_“Gusto ko nang umuwe!”_

_“Wala. Basta.”_

_“Ang inet!”_

_“Ang ginaw!”_

_“My golly!”_

Stell just couldn’t believe his ears with the string of irrational protests, all highly unlikely coming out of Pau’s mouth, of all people. He groaned, throwing his head back and pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers, feeling his patience slowly faltering. And as much as he would’ve wanted to enjoy all the food he got from the buffet, he discovered his appetite was sorely depleting just by watching Pau murdering the poor slice of fresh salmon blankly staring at him from the plate. Stell had to quickly finish his meal and bring Pau somewhere else. 

Two and a half more hours were spent in either silence or subtle whining as Stell tugged Pau along from one store to another, finding a proper birthday present for Stell’s niece the following weekend. It wasn’t long until they finally found themselves leaving the counter with a huge, beribboned paper bag between them, and Pau was almost hauling his feet to keep him moving. 

“Ubebe,” Stell tossed a nonchalant glance to Pau's direction upon hearing his boyfriend’s mewls. The older man’s protests had since been reduced to small whines and was now rubbing his fingers along the length of his leg and pounding on his stiffened muscles with his cutely closed fist every now and then. “Sakit na ng paa ko.” Pau said with glassy, doe eyes and a voice so silken like a cherub.

At that instant, Stell’s gaze softened, because truth be told, he would always be powerless against Pau, especially not when he was looking all pouty and fragile like this.

“Gusto mo manood ng movie?” Stell asked, grabbing the paper bag from Pau’s grip and not wasting time to snake an arm around his waist, pulling him closer to Stell’s body and leaving a tender peck on his cheekbone. Stell smiled at the warm pink that slowly outlined the spot on Pau’s face where he kissed him. 

He looked at those chocolate-brown eyes with so much fondness; they always seemed to pull him in like magnetic bars. Little strands of hair from his cute man-bun stick up like Sunfire, tickling Stell’s nose, the scent of Pau's favorite shampoo churning on the younger's face, making him feel tipsy and all he wanted was to lick his lips that he knew would taste like his favorite Café Americano; just as addicting, if not more.“I missed you mamon. Did you miss me?” 

The charming blush that instantly deepened across Pau’s cheeks did nothing but set off butterflies in Stell’s stomach. He was still Pau, his baby angel face, his evening star, and somehow, Stell knew that things would still get better within the day. 

Pau nodded gently, a shy smile taking over his lips. _“I missed you.”_ He said softly, snuggling himself on the crook of Stell’s neck. The younger smiled dearly at the small pout that formed on Pau’s lips when he pulled back and cupped the older's chin with his warm hand, leaning over swiftly to leave a soft bite against Pau’s bottom lip and swiping his tongue over it. He tasted even more saccharine than Stell would have imagined. 

“Baby, movie?” Pau murmured in a voice so soft, Stell wanted to keep him inside his pocket and coo at him all day. “Please?”

“Anything for you. Tara?” Stell meshed his fingers in between Pau’s after planting another kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead, swinging their joined palms in a familiar rhythm and with affectionate grins wide on their faces, as they slowly made their way to the ticket booth. 

* 

Pau was no longer surprised, seeing how the cinema was pretty much empty when they walked in. The movie they decided to catch up on had been out for a few weeks so far, so maybe this wasn’t a bad idea after all. They quickly settled on their assigned seats, which were on the farthest row up and in the corner to the right, adjacent to the Fire exit door. Pau knew this was the spot where lewd _couple things_ arise and he couldn’t help but be thrilled with the potential of actually doing stuff beyond the safe zone. 

_Ah, John Paulo Nase, the man you are today._ He mentally gave himself a pat on the back. 

The film rolled by and everything was sailing smoothly, or at least that was what Stell thought during the first hour of the movie. Not until he noticed how Pau seemed to be squirming restlessly on his seat, looking around the theatre and constantly bouncing a leg. It wasn’t as though Pau was making much noise, in fact, he managed to keep quiet in his spot to avoid any unsolicited attention, yet the subtle creaking sounds of the seat caused by his constant movements didn’t help ease Stell’s worries at any rate.

The younger was looking into the huge box of popcorn amidst the almost-pitch blackness of the cinema, wondering why the heck he could feel the bottom of the box already when he was so sure he only got five handfuls of it since the movie started. Stell was in that ridiculous state of bewilderment when a heavy arm that suddenly draped around his shoulders made him jerk a little on his seat. Before he knew it, he was being pulled over to the right. Expecting a stop once he pushes against the armrest that didn’t come because Pau had already yanked it away.

“May cheese powder ka sa may bibig,” Pau commented softly, brushing a finger on the spot where the bothersome cheese powder rested, and though Stell thought it was somewhat odd that the stain wouldn’t go away as Pau said, he couldn’t bring himself to protest when Pau shifted close to his face, the older’s tongue flickering out of his mouth to _lick away_ the spot, smearing all the way to the other side of his lips. Stell felt punch-drunk as something inside him sparked to life in a snap.

Stell found himself willingly rolling over to Pau’s warmth, curling into every space of his boyfriend’s body. He leaned his head over Pau’s collar bone, sighing as the older’s soft fingers reached inside his hoodie, brushing the smooth skin underneath, embedding tingles on the surface of Stell’s skin. One generous breath of air sent him reeling, the strong scent of dark plum and myrrh that was Pau’s perfume, where the most potent was collected on the crook of Pau’s neck, and Stell couldn’t help but push his nose against it. The fresh burst of Pau’s cologne and supple skin was enslaving. Stell hummed, feeling his whole body loose and pliant. It was home. Pau smells like home.

And at the same time, Pau’s skin was so, so hot which felt so wonderful against Stell’s cold one that all he could think about was draping himself all over him. How badly he wished they were in the comforts of his own bedroom and explore so many things with his boyfriend. Perhaps he could convince Pau to go home as soon as they finished the movie and—

“P-Pau,” Stell breathed out roughly when Pau’s hand casually slid further inside his hoodie where the older’s naughty hand found his one nipple; aching and tingling. Pau’s fingers, skilled and a little calloused from years and years of playing his guitar, flicked and rubbed around it in teasing circles, sending a spasm straight into Stell’s crotch. “Mamon, wait..oh fuck..”

“Baby, keep it down,” Pau whispered before he shifted in his seat so he could completely push the hem of Stell’s hoodie up, his palms ghosting over the skin of his torso and smirking upon the sight of goosebumps all over it; knowing it was his doing, it made him even hornier. Without wasting time, Pau lowered himself enough to be able to trap the nipple between his lips and began licking and sucking on the soft, puffy bud until it was wet and cold against his teasing breath, he heard Stell making little noises between his teeth and squirming underneath him; the younger’s hands grabbing on his hair desperately and Pau was in the verge of losing it.

Unconsciously, the younger spreads his legs, wide enough to let Pau know it was an invitation and the older licked his lips at the sight of his boyfriend’s clothed hips, restricting a promising bulge underneath the material. _Shit. Shit. Shit._ Stell was a goddamn vision and Pau was certain he would go mad.

Getting immensely fired up by the varying pitches of Stell’s restrained moans of sheer pleasure, Pau couldn’t help himself and playfully bit on his boyfriend’s nipple and they both flinched when Stell suddenly kicked hard on the backrest of the chair in front of them with a rather loud thud, together with an obscene whine that Stell unfortunately failed to prevent; echoing across the deathly quiet theatre walls.

“Shit,” Pau cursed. “D-did you just—“ and he let all his words hung in the air when Stell’s hands immediately flew to his own mouth, confirming his dilemma. Pau wanted to smirk at his boyfriend’s sorry attempt to draw a veil over the crime they obviously allowed to happen.

They froze in their seats and stared at each other in horror for a good few seconds before the older’s good judgment (or what was left of it) kicked in; his hands swiftly adjusting Stell’s hoodie to cover him up at least, and were barely a few seconds ahead of time just before a beam of light was shining down on them. The silhouette of a tall, uniformed woman towering over them held the flashlight high above their heads.

_“Excuse me, Sirs,”_ the woman said, her face devoid of expression under the faint light from the movie screen. _“There’s an inn two blocks away from here. Doon n’yo na lang po ituloy. Bawal po kasi dito yan eh.”_

Stell and Pau turned white, hands gripping each other tight as they bowed their heads, and apologized profusely. Crudely excusing themselves, they quickly headed out of the cinema without looking back like bats out of hell. The instant they stepped out of the dark room, they giggled, shared a quick kiss, and ran out of the building itself, leaving behind the testaments of their little feisty crusade.

*

To say that Pau couldn’t keep his hands off of his boyfriend while on their way to the parking lot was a sore understatement. The breeze felt so much colder now and the skies had faded to dusk. They were barely five strides away from Stell’s car, Pau dragging Stell along, sputtering inaudible curses, bumping on some people occasionally, and almost tripping twice but he didn’t care. And that was when Pau stopped walking; Stell almost slamming onto his back before the older spun on his heels in a graceful haste, thinking it was a good idea to wrap both arms around Stell and trap him there.

He no longer thinks, because Pau figured thinking too much overlooks the nice parts, more often than not; so he just lets himself indulge on the good feeling. He pressed Stell against his own body so tight that the younger, in a struggle to gasp for air, almost choked out a moan in the middle of the parking lot, had Pau not been quick enough to bring his mouth over Stell’s own and greedily sucked the delicious mewls out of his throat.

The cold black air at the cinema and the thrill of getting caught by the security only riled him up all the more so and he could no longer restrain the hardness visible in his pants. He waited one week for this, he couldn’t last one more hour.

Pau brushed his hips over Stell’s, slipping one thigh in between the younger’s legs; desperate for that friction he badly needed and longed for an entire week. So when he finally felt Stell’s pair of strong hands traveled a little lower, down, down the curve of his back, and down to the rugged material of his jeans stretched over his ass and made a taut squeeze against his cheeks, he moaned breathlessly.

“M-Mamon,” Stell whimpered, his cock quickly growing into hardness by the way Pau unabashedly let his sex sounds out in the open. “Not h-here, oh god. We need to get home.”

Shaking his head a little to grasp some lucidness, he gently guided Pau, who was still rutting on his thigh, to the parked car before frantically fishing the keys out of his jeans’ pocket. “Get in.” Stell directed, opening the passenger door wide but Pau’s eyes grew wide in horror.

“I—I can’t.”

“What? What do you mean you can’t?”

“I can’t wait any longer. Make me cum here, now. Please. I’m going to die. Please. Ubebe Please.”

Seemingly trying to make his despair more obvious and believable, Pau pulled his boyfriend against him again, shaking like a leaf and voice breaking into quiet sobs. He tucked his chin over Stell’s shoulders and whined, pressing tighter into a crushing hug.

“Stell, please. I can’t.” he whimpered again, forcing himself to stare at his boyfriend with his eyes quickly turning glassy and knuckles paling with how hard he was gripping at Stell’s hoodie. “Please.”

“Fuck,” the younger cursed under his breath, brushing his hair up in helplessness. “Fuck, mamon. Is this why you’ve been a handful this morning? You’re horny?”

Pau kept staring at his boyfriend with his misty doe-eyes, not bothering to respond. He figured there was no need to; it wouldn’t take a genius to know how miserable and impatient he looked at that instant. His usual chocolate brown eyes were dark and swirled like a black hole eating him up entirely. He knew Stell wanted it too, and he might not have intended to but he would just become that person who would not take No for an answer at that moment. Surely, he waited long enough. He watched as Stell looked around, there were a couple of other cars on the other side of the parking lot.

He chanced upon a parking attendant from afar and Stell hissed. “Ah, screw this.” He cursed again before flailing a hand up and waved at the young male attendant, who came running and reaching them in no time.

“Yes po, sir?” the attendant politely asked.

“Yes, uhh, may naka-park ba sa top level?”

“Wala naman po Sir.”

“Okay, great,” Stell fished out his purse from his back pocket and handed the attendant a Php 1,000 bill. “Mag pa-park ako sa itaas. Don’t let anyone there. We won’t be long.”

The boy didn’t hesitate to snatch the bill from Stell’s waiting hand and folded it neatly into a small square before putting it into the pocket of his polo shirt. There was only a warranted reminder coupled with a warning glare to not vandalize the property in whatsoever way before Stell started to maneuver his SUV up into the complex, swerving all the way to the topmost plane. It was empty as advised, but Stell couldn’t help but look around and inspect until he was certain himself that everything was clear and safe.

He hopped out of the car as soon as he pulled to a stop on one dim area of the extensive lot, opened the rear door, and yanked the second and third rows of seats down, pushing them forward to make as much room as he possibly could.

Stell bent down and rummaged for his gym bag underneath the backseat and smirked as he unzipped it up, taking out a small fleece blanket, a towel, and an extra jacket. He had always been prepared, but it never totally occurred to him the possibility of having to use this stuff for, well, sex in the car. His dad would probably disown him for this but he guessed he’d just cross the bridge when he got there. Yeah, that’s the most sensible route, he supposed.

He carefully laid the blanket down the flooring and unrolled the jacket on the seat, just in case he needed to cover Pau’s front later on. After tossing the towel somewhere across the floor, he finally went out again to open up Pau’s door; unbuckled him, and held his hand before kicking the door shut.

“So, this is all the room we have. _Tiis tiis muna_ ,” Stell said as he guided Pau inside and sat him there comfortably, climbing next and squeezing himself right beside his boyfriend, who was horribly blushing. The boldness of their deed was probably sinking into Pau by now, Stell presumed and he still had the gall to quietly laugh about it. This was embarrassing for sure, but he couldn’t deny how gone he was for thinking how his boyfriend wanted him so badly like this, so desperate for him to even beg to make him cum at a parking lot. A fucking parking lot of all places.

The younger quickly leaned in and reached for the air-conditioning to flick it on before turning to his boyfriend again, cupping his chin and leaning in to press a feather-light kiss on his lips.

“Are you comfortable?” Stell asked, but the expression on Pau’s face dwindled from one that was fond to something immediately dark.

Pau wasn’t one for neither introductions nor introspections, especially not at this point when his balls were in the brink of ignition. His mind was too obscured in a haze of lust, so he didn’t waste time, pulling Stell’s nape in so he could lick into the younger’s lips, _so soft, so lush,_ so good for kissing _._ He darted his tongue out to trace the curve of Stell’s cupid’s bow, and even though he had licked on that beauty a hundred times before, it looked so cute so another hundred times more wouldn’t hurt.

Stell sighed into kiss. They tilted their heads so they could slide their mouths together better, capturing one another’s tongue in a deep, deep kiss as they drank each other’s muffled groans. Their breaths hitched, their paces quickened, and soon they were devouring each other’s mouths with feverish despair and neither cared nor protested on the sloppiness of their unchaste lip lock.

Pau almost whined when Stell pulled back from the kiss, an opaque thread of spit still bridging their lips glistening in the dim lights.

“B-baby why—“

“You want to cum?” Stell ascertained, and Pau nodded wildly, almost moaning at that simple question. “I’ll make you cum then.”

Stell shifted so he could lower himself, settling in between Pau’s legs. The younger ghosted his palms along the length of Pau’s clothed thighs, going back and forth, brushing subtly on his inner skin until Pau was whining.

“Baby please—”

“Do you trust me? Mamon?”

“Yes.”

Stell dipped a little, his lips brushing past Pau’s cheek that was flustered in deep pink and murmured. “I’ll make you feel good. Just be patient. Can you do that for me?” And Stell knew Pau agreed by the way the strands of his locks tickled the side of his face. “Good. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Pau hummed, touching Stell’s cheek gently, where the younger nuzzled into the warm palm affectionately. “Now get on with it, I’m dying.”

Stell chuckled before settling himself again in between Pau. The older shuddered when Stell finally unfastened and unzipped his boyfriend’s jeans to relieve the strain of his cock against the offending material. Briefly lifting Pau’s ass, Stell tugged the older’s jeans all the way down past his knees where it rode his shins, crumpled and a little snug but manageable, leaving him with only his briefs on.

There was unmistakable silence inside the car, if not for the intensity of Pau’s uneven breathing, and it was ultimately broken with his cries when Stell grazed his nose over his erection, naughtily pressing and kissing softly on the lump before blowing hot air across the fabric. Pau trembled at the heat of his boyfriend’s breath seeping in through the fibers of his underwear, and all he wanted was to grind his cock into Stell’s mouth. It was so close yet so far. Stell was driving him crazy!

“I’m going to suck your soul out of your cock.” Stell said bluntly, making Pau gulp.

“B-baby—“ begged Pau.

“Hmm?”

“I swear, if, if you don’t put my dick inside your mouth in the next five sec—oh! Oh, sweet cheese and crackers fuck—”

Pau shrieked as his underwear was pulled down in one swift motion and finally, for the love of all that’s good, Stell engulfed the entire length of his aching cock into the cavern of his mouth, swallowing down up to his base, and sucking on it heavily that made his eyes roll back. The incredible heat and wetness of his boyfriend’s mouth would definitely make him combust embarrassingly fast, but fuck! It felt so amazing and hot; all he wanted to do was cry.

Stell rolled his tongue all over the slit and across the crown of Pau’s swollen erection, tasting the mix of salt in his skin and basking in his scent that was specifically John Paulo Nase, his favorite flavor in this lifetime. Keeping his gaze fixed on his boyfriend, unfaltering, he glared darkly, wanting to see everything, watch him go toward borderline maniacal until he was thrashing for air with the unrelenting need to explode right into his throat.

Pau just wanted to forget and surrender everything he had, yielding into the absolute pleasure only Stell could bring. He was at his mercy, creating broken noises as he felt this tight ball of flames in his loins and his vision blurring in the edges. He was nearing; nearing into his most needful orgasm.

“Shit, yes! Yes!” Pau shivered fervently, lacing his fingers against Stell’s hair. “I–I, can feel it, I can fee—“

Just as Pau’s cock twitched heavily inside Stell’s mouth, swelling even bigger, the sign of his nearing climax, Stell pulled back, sweeping his tongue all over his lips; tasting Pau’s pre-cum and his own drool. Pau almost cried at the sudden absence of his boyfriend’s mouth right where he wanted him at, but then he purred when the younger’s palms smoothed over his naked thighs as Stell murmured sweetly.

“Mamon, it’s okay. Trust me. I’m doing this because I love you. Just look at me, and me only. Hear only me.”

“I see only you. You’re mine.” Pau growled lowly.

“And you’re mine too.”

Pau whined again as Stell parted his lips over the head and slid down in one go until it hit the back of his throat, silently thanking the heavens for the lack of his gag reflex so he could deep-throat his boyfriend whenever he wished. He had always enjoyed giving head to Pau, probably more than he should but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He’d never thought about liking this kind of stuff before but everything changed when he fell in love with this beautiful man and the only thing he’d ever wanted was to make him feel good while wrecking him down.

He sluggishly bobbed his head a few times, going from an excruciatingly slow pace to fast and hard that had Pau flailing his limbs. Not even once did Stell take his eyes off of Pau, and seeing him falling apart in his hands with the sexiest sounds he could ever hear, he felt himself leaking, so he quickly undid his pants and yanked it down together with his own briefs, letting it ride between his thighs.

He lifted his free hand up to Pau’s mouth, teasingly swiped a thumb over his plump lips before taking one finger to prod inside the older’s mouth. Pau whimpered at the intrusion but welcomed the finger in nonetheless, and without a moment’s hesitation, began sucking on the digit that made Stell’s cock twitch. The younger gasped a mouthful of air at the rich warm wetness surrounding his finger so he pressed another one inside, and another until he was three fingers inside Pau’s naughty mouth. Stell pressed his fingers down, trapping Pau’s tongue underneath until a thin thread of spit started spilling on the corner of his lips.

_Fuck. Fuck._ Pau was going to be the death of him.

Stell skimmed his hands down his own fully hard and wet cock and played with his balls, cupping them and rolling them in his hands and he shivered in his own touch. But he must keep a clear head and not steer away from the important matters, which was Pau. Stell thumbed his own slit and smeared the pearls of cum all over his dick before he started pumping himself. He couldn’t tell why, maybe it was the confined space of the car, or maybe it was Pau’s brazenness and brattiness throughout the day, he couldn’t tell for sure, but Stell felt like this was way more intimate and hotter than all the sex they’ve ever had. And god, was his pre-cum never-ending that it was probably soaking the blanket pooled between his knees.

He stroked himself faster, and deeper, he wanted to keep his pace with Pau. He wanted to cum together.

He began hollowing his cheeks, tightening his lips around the shaft of Pau’s dick, some of his teeth already grazing the skin and veins on the sides that had Pau’s legs shaking and his back arching, pushing his cock deeper into Stell’s throat. The younger took him in deeper, so much deeper than he had ever done before and Pau’s mouth was wide open in the air, chasing his breaths quickly and he could tell he was about to cum again. So Stell pulled back once more and sat on his heels, wrapping a loose grip around Pau’s cock and pumping it languidly. His heart ached when Pau’s eyes started glistening.

But Stell knew he was doing it all for Pau. He wanted him to cum so hard, he’d forget everything else except Stell’s name. He repeated the process a couple of times more, delaying his own climax several times as well. He would suck hard and pull back when Pau would come painfully close to his release, and he felt a swell of pride when Pau never questioned him why. He trusted him completely and knew how much he loves him, how much he wanted him to make the most out of this moment. At one point, Pau couldn’t even open his eyes anymore and when he did close them, a crystalline tear escaped from his left eye.

After delaying Pau’s orgasm for an agonizing seven times, Stell knew this was it. He felt his boyfriend’s legs tensed beneath his hands, his muscles twitching under the skin.

“I love you so much, Pau.”

“I love you t—ahh,” his moan died inside his throat when Stell dove back down and took him deep.

Pau’s fingers were back, fisting themselves into Stell’s hair, bobbing to the rhythm of the younger’s head as he impaled his mouth into the older’s cock.

_“Pleasepleasepleaseletthisbeit”_ Pau begged into the wind but Stell heard it after all, and he would’ve smiled if there wasn’t a whole dick stuck inside his mouth. _Faster._ He needed to go faster. So he bobbed his head quicker, ignoring the strain in his jaw and nape. His hands stroked his own dick faster, his balls tightening within his grip.

He felt Pau’s body clench under him, and Stell growled, feeling his own release approaching. He went faster still, there was no stopping, not when they were both so desperately close.

“Oh, oh gods! Fuck, fuck, if you pull back again, I’m going to fucking break up with you aaahh!”

Pau screamed, and Stell echoed his own strangled cry when the orgasm hit the both of them at the same time in a feverish gush of thick, bursts of cum. Stell was able to lean back just in time before Pau sprinted to probably the hardest orgasm of his life. He kept stroking Pau’s cock, milking him up to the last ropes of white, but when he swiped a finger over the slit, there were more, spurting out and bursting straight into Stell’s chin, his nose, and some even on his hair.

“Hala!” Pau slurred in his moment of haze, frantically reaching up a hand to wipe his essence away from his boyfriend’s face. “Shit, ubebe sorry. Di ko sadya, wait lang, my golly! Wai—“

Pau wasn’t able to finish his sentence when Stell pulled him into a searing kiss, smirking against his boyfriend’s mouth. They laughed and pressed their foreheads together, cupping each other’s faces and ignoring the stickiness of their hands when they reluctantly broke apart to breathe in.

*

Stell buckled his boyfriend up, and while it wasn’t needed, he didn’t care because he always loved doing the littlest of things for him that make Pau flustered. After cleaning each other up and making out a ton of times more at the backseat, they cleaned their mess and probably sprayed on a lot more perfume than necessary. But at least the car smelled fragrant than have Stell’s dad suffer the aftermath of their erotic hullaballoo.

“Feeling better?” Stell asked, brushing his forefinger on Pau’s blushing cheeks.

“Yeah,” the older said, leaning in to plant a swift kiss on Stell’s lips. “Thank you.”

Stell smiled, staring a little tongue in cheek at the older, who gave him a confused expression.

“You know, I’ve always known you're sexy,” mumbled the younger, smirking. “But you being all needy and bratty like that, it was, it was hot. Annoying but really hot.”

Pau quirked an eyebrow, narrowing his gaze at the accusation. “Annoying? I was horny okay? I haven’t slept properly the entire week kasi hindi ako maka—, maka-ano,”

“Maka-ano? Hmm?”

Pau almost panicked at the question, jaw tightening and he could definitely feel his cheeks warming with a deep red. It was true, he was rather immodest whenever they have sex, but whatever courage and shamelessness he had in his bones melt along into his every orgasm.

“Tsk! Don’t make me say things. You already know what I mean.”

But Stell apparently didn’t get the memo, or chose not to, because he leaned in close to Pau’s face, his one hand caressing the other’s thigh. “You couldn’t cum without me, yeah?”

Pau slapped gently slapped him on the chest and shoved him away. “Huy! You can’t just say things like that!” he yelped, tucking his horribly red face with his hands.

Stell laughed, prying the hands off of Pau’s face to plant one last kiss and messing his hair. “Let’s go home. I’m tired.”

As though on cue, Pau’s lashes fluttered as fatigue washed over him. He stared one last time at Stell and smiled at the fact that he would always be that person who could comfort his mind and soul and yet drive him wild deep into his flesh. That was the last thing on his head before he had fallen asleep not too long after, his soft snores in rhythm with the engine’s roar.

Stell turned the radio on and toned the volume down, just enough to lull the both of them as he drove away, heading home with a blissful smile, thinking how there was nothing in this world that makes him feel the way Pau does when they kiss and make love. Pau could be annoying, he could be hilarious, he could drive him crazy and he could be out of his mind. But then again, Pau would always be everything he’d ever want, nothing more, and nothing less.


	20. SINKING DEEP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.
> 
> ***HEAVY NARRATION AHEAD***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've made a poll where Mamon tops for chapter 20, but like any restless writer who entertains a myriad of different prompts every day, I'm moving that bed scene to chapter 22? 23? Depends on how many chapters this new prompt takes me. But do trust when I say we'll get there, soon. 
> 
> **ANYWAY**
> 
> So this chapter, and the next chapter or two, will be a little heavy and dark. This is actually included in my original plot and stupid of me to have almost forgotten about it. In that case, please disregard my note in the previous chapter that this fic is ending soon because it's not. Sorry for the confusion. I realized that our Ubebe and Mamon couple still have a long way to go. Ugh, I'm such a lousy writer.
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING & other notes**  
> Contains mentions of anxiety attacks, resurfacing of PTSD, depressing thoughts. Please skip if uncomfortable.  
> Also, I had to consult two of my very supportive mutuals on some scenes, specifically those that involved law and crime and other related stuff. Thank you so much, sis Jess and Dre, Amber for the very helpful information. Love you!
> 
> **AGAIN, HEED THE WARNINGS! READ RESPONSIBLY.**

* * *

_“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and_

_more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”_

* * *

_Club Black Swan, 11:11 PM_

In the midst of a crowded space filled with mirrors and lazer lights and thunderous four-on-the-floor rhythms, Stell and Pau, with Josh and Justin could be found in one of the more lucid corners of the night club somewhere in the city, barely an hour before midnight; laughing, drinking and partying the night away.

Stell had decided to go a little hard, _just this once,_ he thought; drowning on what would be the third serving of his alcohol, although he started the night off with the club’s best banger called the _manly cocktail “Black Rob Roy”_ , whatever that was, but boy! Was it hot and bitter; it parched his throat down to his ulcers, and he discovered he liked it very much.

Pau, on the other hand, satisfied himself with the go-to drink of the New York Club scene back in the old days, the elite classic Manhattan. And funny how he had been sipping on that single glass for the last hour and he still hadn’t finished that one. Stell thought it was fairly adorable.

You see, It wasn’t a typical occasion that Josh and Justin would celebrate; their second year anniversary would’ve just gone by like any ordinary day but Stell and Pau wanted to celebrate together anyway. Because for one, it was also their one year and tenth month together. And the latter couple were all things mushy and soft and definitely not one to shut up about what they liked. So JnJ couple knew better than to argue. They needed to ease it up, so to speak, so yeah, one double date night out with the boys wouldn’t be so bad.

“Happy anniversary bub!” Justin had greeted Josh, his face immodestly red.

Josh responded to Justin’s greeting with an affectionate kiss that escalated to some full-on make-out session making the Stell and Pau shake their heads. When the two pulled apart, Jah pointed a finger, whether it was directed to either Stell or Pau, they couldn’t tell, because the finger was as unsteady as the drunken man himself.

“What’re you two looking at, Kuya Stell? Kuya Pau?” the youngest groaned, swaying in his seat.

Stell and Pau barely had to look knowingly at each other before they blurted _“Get a room!”_ at the same time, which made Jah snort and Josh, turn beet red.

“It’s a freakin’ night club! Y'all can make out, I won’t mind!” Jah defended, narrowing his eyes. “Didn’t you use to fool around at the parking lot? Ha!” He said proudly, gulping his remaining liquor down.

“What the f— How’d you even—“ Jah stuck his tongue at him before going back to Josh’s lips, and Stell turned to Pau wide-eyed.

“I’m sorry!” Pau whined, catching Stell’s lips even before the younger could even protest. Stell only shook his head and laughed against his boyfriend’s mouth in complete surrender.

They had been chattering in a half-tipsy state for the last couple of hours and so, Stell would no longer be surprised should Pau begin to pout and whine anytime soon because, as much as they both love the other couple, they really hadn’t had much time for themselves and it was their 22nd month anniversary, for Pete's sake. So when Pau suddenly stood from the couch, he knew someone’s getting listless and needed to be pampered, being the big baby that he was.

So Stell said nothing when Pau made a firm grip around his hand and pulled him from the couch without much of a word, making him reluctantly abandon his glass that was still half-full with part-purple and part-burnt sienna that was a twist of good old Sherry Oak and orange bitters with a stem of brandied cherry. That was a damn good blend, absolutely classic.

_Almost tasted like Pau’s mouth. Addicting._

“Where are you taking me?!” Stell had asked, feigning worry in his voice.

Pau turned around for a second amid the crowd and rolled his eyes. “We’re just dancing. I’m not going to eat you!”

“Well, that’s too bad! I’d prefer the eating one better!”

Pau snorted with pinkish cheeks but he persisted his way to the dance floor.

Stell also said nothing when Josh and Justin remained on that same comfortable and regal-looking, blue velvet couch, shooing them both away with a wave of their hands; the couple looking smaller and smaller from his line of view with each sleazy step he took. The last thing Stell saw was how they each raised their liquor-filled glasses at him with meaningful looks on their faces, like they were trying to share with him a wordless cheer for whatever was to come.

And finally, he still said nothing when Pau dragged him into the middle of the dance floor where the veins in his head felt like they were about to crack by the way the gigantic stereos spat every cadence of the electronic pop music; the kind that Stell never bothered listening to before. Not to mention the rapid blinking of strobe lights overhead that left him more nauseated than alive.

He said nothing through it all, because it was Pau that held him there; and it was their one year and tenth month that night, or it could probably be well just another alibi to be merry and celebrate and get all drunk and messy. He had a feeling he could pass out, if the number of glasses of various cocktails that he emptied was anything to go by. He was starting to feel that warm and fuzzy buzz but he said nothing. Because Pau was now in his rightful momentum, having the time of his life and he’d give everything to always see that ecstatic smile, hands above his head, hips swinging and occasionally brushing against his.

He was definitely feeling warm and fuzzy, and that was something one had to get used to if one was in a relationship with Pau. Because he could seduce you with his mind and could enslave your soul with his body. He was real and unreal.

Pau giggled amid the turmoil they called music, and while Stell couldn’t clearly hear that melodious sound, he could see it anyway. Pau had always worn that beauty that was beyond any figure of speech. As though the music was on cue, the ear-splitting noise faded and curved down to a much slower beat, and Stell couldn’t be happier.

The older found himself resting his back against Stell’s chest somewhere in the middle of the song, and his body moved on its own, swaying again, much slower, a bit more sensual, and the younger took that as a cue to circle his arms around Pau’s waist where the older’s fingers met his. They held each other like that, swinging from side to side, the pads of their fingers bringing tingles on the surface. It was just like the way Stell liked: _slow, sensorial, sharp._

_Your arms feel more like home than any house ever did._

There is this very specific sort of conversation that Stell always loved with Pau, and it was that one without the need for words; only the ones that remained unspoken through the soft press of their fingertips and the heat of their skin against each other. For Stell, and perhaps for Pau as well, it was that conversation that’s the most important; the most sincere; the most raw.

Even when the two of them were merely two silhouettes swaying along the ocean of tumultuous bodies where sanity and madness were one and the same, their gazes would always find each other, fix on each other because it was how everything was supposed to be. They were one, and one could never be without the other.

_I love being yours, knowing that you’re mine._

Stell didn’t have time to note when Pau turned again to face him and now, he was met with Pau’s eyes, like how they usually curve upward and downward at the same time and create precious little crescents whenever he was smiling so high. They looked blacker and more luminous under these dancing neon lights, his boyfriend looking straight at him with heavy-lidded eyes and he looked so disturbingly sexy.

With every swing of his head to every beat the bass boomed from the stage, his soft wavy locks twirl elegantly, and the halo on the crown of his head that Stell had always been mesmerized by, glowed brighter. Pau was every inch a wet dream of his.

_God, I love you so much, mamon._

_“Ubebe!”_ Pau yelled over the noise, the chords of his veins embossed on the skin of his neck.

Stell frowned, failing to make out of anything that Pau mouthed over the chaos. The music was too loud and the people of all shapes and ages and genders were rowdy up the stage. He could feel sweat sticking onto all sides of his exposed biceps as dancers here and there unwittingly brush their damp skins against him. 

He couldn’t hear Pau, but he could clearly read the shape of his lips. _“What?”_

And Stell never got an answer to that question, because, for some reason, he let himself be engulfed in the bottomless pit of Pau’s eyes before he was already leaning closer solely on his own accord, as he felt soft fingers reaching out to cup his chin tenderly. There was a whole eternity of tranquillity as Stell closed his eyes and leaned into the warm touch, something he’s always felt but would probably never grow to be too familiar with.

_Just one glance was all it took to drive me crazy._

More fingers crawled from the little of Stell’s back, gently tracing a line upward and toward his nape, where every touch left a blazing trail in his skin, until the same fingers entangled themselves in the mass of his hair, finding a firm but delicate grip there.

_I still get butterflies even though we’ve made love a hundred times._

They both found themselves closing the distance between their lips, tilting their heads slightly on opposite sides for their mouths to meet perfectly. And it was as bewitching as it always was, lips unconditionally fitting each other’s, their bodies pressing together, closer, like no ounce of air allowed to trespass between them. They wanted more, they always want more, nothing would ever be enough.

“There’s nothing in this world that makes me feel the way I do when you kiss me,” Stell whispered into Pau’s ear, his words ghosting over the skin, enough to make the older shudder within his embrace.

Pau turned to be able to plant a quick, affectionate kiss on one tender spot of Stell’s neck before pressing his forehead on that very alcove, closing his eyes, he was almost asleep, had not he whispered back. “I’m yours, as long as you want me to.”

Everything in Stell’s world seemed to be going well; too well, if he was being honest. It all felt nice and perfect, flawless, that it was almost scary; as though the reality he lived in was trying to put up a disguise. For what? He couldn’t put a finger on it. And while he knew that the best thing to do at that point was to break away from this growing feeling of uncertainty, he couldn’t deny its existence. It was there, in the very depths of his being, slowly, but surely inching its way up to his throat.

_Was he being too happy?_

*

With vision slightly beginning to darken around the edges, but somehow feeling more sober than he would expect, Stell pushed his way through the crowd and toward the bar to get a new set of drinks for him and Pau. He wondered whether he should get the first one he tried earlier because it could definitely kick him up conscious with how searing and putrid it was to his windpipe. Gross as it was, his taste buds liked it a lot, oddly enough.

Stell noticed how he could still walk a straight line as he marched to the bar, feeling proud of his small achievement, he smirked. _Yep, definitely sober._ His booted feet played along the splits on the granite flooring after settling his boyfriend back to the couch with Josh and Jah. He could definitely feel the sweat soaking into the white satin material of Pau’s long-sleeved top. The older just killed about half an hour, dancing to whatever music the DJ played. He thought Pau might really just want to dance again, so he never left his side, he greedily enjoyed those sultry moments after all. 

_Oh! Stell would give him the world in a heartbeat._

“Another Black Bob and Manhattan please,” Stell’s voice crooned warmly toward the bartender which was returned with a polite nod.

“On the rocks?”

Stell nodded. “Thanks.”

He turned and pressed his back against the bar counter, his arms splayed sideward, along the length of the cold surface, fingers absently tapping along to the beat of the current music on the dance floor. It had been a fun evening, and thought he and Pau should perhaps do this more often, whether it be with some friends or just the two of them, drink and chill and dance and let go. That would be nice.

He was bobbing his head in shallow movements, taking in the music and stealing glances of his boyfriend from the opposite end of the club when he was faintly distracted by the noise of a couple of men from one corner just beside the male restroom. He gave them a once over and figured they were employees of the club, given the identical white long-sleeved polo tops and silky burgundy vests they wore. The two men had been cramping on the corner, appearing to be clearing up a pile of different objects.

One long, rolled-up cord and several tiny light bulbs that peeked from one of the employees’ back answered Stell’s unspoken question that those were Christmas lights, where the other end of the cord was still lying on the floor, dragging its way up to the employee’s arms. That was when Stell noticed the folded-up tree, Christmas balls of assorted sizes and colors, and other decorations semi-scattered on the floor surrounding the two employees. Clearly, they were taking down and packing the decors away. Given that it was already mid-January, it was logical. Stell shrugged.

He was about to turn back to the bartender to check on the drinks he ordered when the two club employees, who were clearing up, walked away. And as they did so, more decorations were revealed from that certain spot, including a sizeable Santa Claus figure that held a bundle of bright yellow-gold rope in one hand, and a gold bell in the other.

Suddenly, there was light buzzing in Stell’s ears that made him wince, and he couldn’t tell whether it was real or it was all inside his head.

Stell would be lying if he would deny that there was an abrupt tightening of his throat when his gaze met those fake, glassy eyes hiding behind a pair of oversized glasses. He had wanted to clear his throat but discovered it was difficult, not when his own voice, as well as his limbs, felt numb on the tips. He thought he could battle the growing absence of sensations in his fingers if he shook his hands roughly.

_Don’t be silly, Stell. It’s only a fucking décor._ He mentally noted, forcing in the idea through his mind and expelling ridiculous imageries he didn’t wish to see. Besides, this one looked gentler, kinder; unlike that person who had crooked, yellowish teeth that reeked of his decaying core. He closed his eyes and paced his breaths. He would be okay. _Breathe. Just breathe._

_Breathe, Stell._

The unexpected touch of iced-cold glass against the back of his palm fluttered his eyes open with a little jump, and the bartender cautiously eyed him with concern. He didn’t dare question, possibly thinking it was none of his business but Stell was courteous enough to nod and gesture a thumbs up to the friendly employee to at least let him know he was fine. The two glasses sat there on the counter between his hands, and somehow, he could only stare at those in dumbfounded haze.

Frankly though, he was starting to feel pathetic; definitely not the kind of emotion suitable for a rowdy night club, so he decided it would be best to just make his way back to his boyfriend and forego all the foolish ideas into the wind. Yet, there seemed to be an invisible but very powerful force that forbade him so when a rather loud crash of ceramic hitting the granite floor robbed all of his attention once again; his head automatically whipping to the direction of the crash.

There he found across the floor, was the Santa Claus fallen with its face hitting the expensive pavement. Its gentle and kind-looking features he took notice of earlier had cracked open, before the pieces started falling apart, one by one turning into useless broken fragments of ceramic. The fracture left half of its face with a single eye and half a mouth, and the right portion of its head became nothing less than a significant black hole.

Stell stood paralyzed by the counter, feeling the small prickles crawling on his scalp. The trembling of his fingers almost knocked the glass of his drink, but he was able to hold it down, gripping around it tightly, he forced his hand and shoved the contents of the glass into his mouth, hoping it would drown the blooming panic in his stomach. He wanted so badly to look away, but a nameless dread took hold of him, as though something sharp biting on the skin of his jaw, preventing him from averting his gaze from the hollow of Santa’s face. 

He kept drinking until he had almost emptied his glass. But he couldn’t tell why nor command his brain to turn away. _Don’t look at it! It’s bad! Really horrible!_ And he wished it was as easy as he could hear it. But the more he wanted to squeeze his eyes shut, the more he found his gaze boring holes onto that severed figure on the floor; _like it was calling him; summoning all his energy and resolve._ His head began to throb, acid rising up his throat. He wanted to throw up.

“Ubebe!” a weighty hand landed on his shoulder, making Stell flinch and curl forward into the owner of the touch. He eagerly welcomed the warmth that he knew would make everything okay.

Pau’s eyes met his boyfriend’s intense gaze and he immediately frowned, observing his ashen face and trembling lip, he knew something was wrong.

“Stell, what happened?” Pau held him on either side of his shoulder. “God, baby you’re shaking. What’s wrong?”

The weight on Stell’s shoulder’s felt as though it weighed a ton, and he recoiled from Pau’s touch, noting the disappointed look that flashed in his boyfriend’s eyes, instantly regretting his action. But what could he do? Suddenly, things seemed unwelcome.

“I—, I’m o-okay,” he stammered, rubbing a hand on his own arms, making himself feel small. “I, I need to go to the washroom.”

“You need help? I’ll go with you—“

“No! No. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

And Stell already disappeared before Pau could even dispute. When the door to the restroom closed behind Stell, Pau’s gaze fell onto the ruptured face of the Santa Claus figure lying across the floor.

_It will be okay._ He wanted to assure Stell. _It will be okay._

_But it wasn’t okay._

*

_Meanwhile, somewhere in the heart of another city…_

_“No more fuck ups again, Max. I’m warning you one last time,” the ragged looking man with a croaky voice said with a serious tone, pointing a finger to the man standing in front of his desk to emphasize his point._

_Amidst the fading uproar from behind the massive iron barriers that separate the office from the chaos, the man continued signing on a bunch of papers, one after the other. Sighing heavily, he alternately glimpsed at the tall, well-built man with greying hair, shaking his head. He tried to figure just how many times he had let this man’s mess slide and fuck, one more, just one more and he’d be so done._

_“Don’t make me drag your ass back here again or there’s no more way out. I’m serious,” he threatened gravely._

_The forty-plus-year-old-looking man called Max huffed. He might be past his prime, all thanks to that stupid brat, and his stupid parents, and that stupid school, but as they say, wine gets better with age. He huffed and rolled his shoulders back, the muscles in his firm arms involuntary flexing, while his crooked, yellowish teeth peered out of his chapped lips. “Sir Edwin, I think you should chill, and have a little faith. People change, you know? And I absolutely have.”_

_Sir Edwin shook his head once again, dropping his pen on the surface of his desk, and stood from his seat, looking at Max squarely in the eye. “I’m not the stupid one here, Max.”_

_“Why not give this old man a break, yeah? ‘Am surely not seeing you again.”_

_“You better not.” Sir Ed glared at him, voice low, rubbing the rough black and grey stubble on his chin. “We’ll be watching you.”_

_The officer’s eyes traveled onto Max’s toned arms painted with pitch-black ink and adorned by embossed pale pink scars. Each wound carved into his warm sand skin echoed the terror he lived and prevailed inside that shithole during the last seventeen years._

_Max smirked, hoisting a ratty old backpack against his broad shoulders, and shrugged before he spun on his heel to leave. The corner of his dark lips twitched as his face twisted swiftly from one that was an annoying jerk, into one that was vile, seething with fury, and smoldering with obsession._

_“Free as a bird,” Max breathed through his teeth. “Party time, motherfucker.”_

*

_It was good for a while_ , Stell thought. He would try to keep the days as normally as he could; laugh out loud at his boyfriend’s jokes; eat a plateful of meal or two for lunch and even dinner, trying to be competitive with Pau whether it be at the office or at home; sleep through all the twisting and turning across his mattress after a round of great orgasm and plenty of cuddles. _It was good for a while._

But whenever Stell was alone, something would happen, and nobody would be there to neither see nor hear him. It was like having an ON and OFF switch glued on his back, and when that switch was flipped off somewhere, sometime, Stell would feel the darkness of his mind, eating him up, allowing himself to sink in deeper and deeper. There wasn’t any place worse where he could be other than his own head.

_It was hard._

How long had it been again? Five weeks and three days?

Five weeks and three days since that incident at the club took place and it went by in a muddied haste. It had been a long time since he felt being weighed down by dread, gnawing at his insides. Not only did that incident had him upset, but the fact that he thought he had gotten through that phase after all those therapies and medicines and meditations; why did he seem to be back there again? He hated it, thinking he didn’t come this far, ONLY to go this far.

Ever since that night they stepped out of the club, he had been shaken. He could literally feel the blood draining away from his face, surging through his veins and pooling at the very tips of his fingers. They felt itchy, so itchy that he wanted to scrape off his skin. Pau had asked him why, Josh and Jah saw it too, but Stell didn’t answer any of them. He just tried to wave them off and convince them that he was just way too drunk and nauseous to remain looking and feeling normal.

“I’m fine, you’re all overreacting. Let me just go home and sleep.” He told them, and the three men knew they wouldn’t be squeezing anything out of him at all.

“Ingat kayo ah, Kuya Stell,” Jah gave Stell a meaningful look. “Kuya, andito lang kami.”

Stell had just snorted at the youngest. “I know, I know. Sige na, uwi na. Ingat kayo. Josh, Dre, ingatan mo yan.”

They hugged briefly before the couple climbed inside the cab and took off; the two pairs officially parting their ways at nearly two o’clock in the morning.

It wasn’t long before the cab that Pau easily booked had arrived; bringing Stell home like he always did since the beginning. He had stayed the night in his boyfriend’s room, rubbing his temples, combing his fingers through his hair and making sure he was cleaned up and properly dressed in their cozy couple pajamas after Stell threw up a lot in the toilet. How Pau managed to drag Stell’s ass into the bathroom without barfing his guts out across the living area, he couldn’t tell anymore.

Stell had hoped an eleven hour-sleep was all he needed to feel okay again. To be honest, he did forget about that event momentarily. Especially when the week started and he was somehow happily being preoccupied with his work, it successfully took his mind away from the pretty uncomfortable stuff. But things just go on full circle after each time he and Pau got off work.

Like a typical weekday, they would spend a meal at the mall after their shift, play half an hour at the arcade or maybe catch a movie, or laze around at the park, before Stell walked Pau to his apartment. Stell’s house was about twenty-five minutes away from Pau’s apartment complex and he had always taken a leisurely stroll on his way home. But then, right at the start of that week alone, things began to feel…different.

He would be nearing the entrance gate to their humble village, and for some reason, he felt the need to be extra vigilant and considerate of the area, especially the places that were too far or secluded to be paid with urgent attention. Being in the dark for so many years had heightened up his sensitivity to most things. Thus, despite the growing panic mounting in Stell’s every step, he would stop and take in his surroundings quietly, carefully roaming his eyes around, trying to focus his hearing to even the slightest of movements. But he could find none.

He hadn’t told anyone about it, not his parents, not even Pau. He didn’t want to worry any of them anymore. So he thought about just disregarding all these speculations because, again, he could find nothing after all. Yet at the back of his head, and it was as though he’s being completely certain, he could feel someone was watching him silently from a distance.

He couldn’t grasp the realness of it, but Stell, in some ways, felt like he was trapped inside a crystal box, watching himself out there and everyone else, living out in an entirely different reality like those in the movies. But then the movie sucked because it had too many rubbish prompts and nothing made sense at all.

_No. Nothing made sense._

So how could he even begin to explain to anyone what was going on inside his head when he couldn’t even understand it himself?

_It was another difficult time._

*

“Namiss kita ubebe ko!” Pau cooed at Stell like his boyfriend was a toddler, pinching a reasonable size of the bubble gum flavored cotton candy and pushing it gently into Stell’s closed lips.

The younger thought it was weird, albeit adorable, so he shyly opened his mouth to welcome the soft, honeyed flavor of the treat, moaning with eyes closed as the sweetness melted into his tongue. Pau smirked at that small sound of content; had it been any louder, he would have absolutely dragged Stell out of the park and straight into his apartment. Stell could really be shameless sometimes, and Pau loved every bit of it.

“Anong na-miss?” Stell asked with a frown, chewing on the remaining cotton candy between his teeth. “Lagi naman tayong magkasama ah?”

“Yeah but,” the older stalled, sighing. “You do know you’re not really quite yourself the past two months. Right?”

_Two months?_ Stell didn’t realize it had already been that long.

Stell scratched the back of his neck. “Well—“

“And you do realize we haven’t had sex for four days. FOUR. DAYS.”

“Uhh—“

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Pau, no—“

“Alam mo, walang tigil yung takbo ng utak ko.” Pau said softly, turning his gaze onto the cracks in the pavement. “Pinipilit ko sagutin yung maraming tanong.”

“Wait, Mamon—“

“May kulang ba sa akin? May mali ba sa akin?”

“Hoy, Pau, ano ba naman yan? Bakit ganyan?”

“Panget ba ako?”

“Huh?”

“Panget ba ang katawan ko? Kapalit palit ba ak—Aray naman!” Pau whined when Stell’s palm landed crisply on his forehead. The older immediately rubbed on the red patch of skin, pouting.

“Bu-ang ‘to. Kinabahan ako sa’yo ah!”

Pau chuckled, curling into his boyfriend’s side and wrapping an arm around his waist. “Hehe sorry na. Pinapatawa lang naman kita. Oh, kiss na.”

They shared a quick, endearing kiss before a restful silence blanketed between them. The older scooted even closer, nuzzling his face in the crook between Stell’s shoulder and neck, breathing him in; while the younger caressed Pau’s jaw, leaving ticklish little shapes along its smoothness. Pau hummed in satisfaction.

“Pasensya na mamon,” Stell said sincerely. “Marami lang akong iniisip. But I promise I’ll make it up to you okay? Sorry.”

“Hmm, I know you will,” Pau smiled. “And you know you can tell me anything, right? I’ll always understand naman eh.”

Stell kissed Pau’s temple. “Thank you. I love you, Pau,” he whispered. “Whatever happens, I’ll always love you with everything I have.”

“Ang cheesy naman nito bigla.”

“Gusto mo naman.”

“No!” the older retorted. “Yes? Maybe?”

Stell smirked. “Maybe I should say that more often then.”

They stayed at the park for a little while, feasting on small snacks and more sweets and a few rounds of drinks before they both decided it was getting late. Stell thought they could skip dinner already, given the amount of sweets they’ve consumed. And he knew a very specific way to burn those calories right, he promised to make it up to his boyfriend after all. Tonight would be the perfect time to make amends. But he kept it to himself, thinking of something creative enough to surprise the older.

They were smiling to each other, hands entwined and swinging to a piece of unheard music, just a few meters short from exiting the promenade when Stell felt the emergency call of his bladder. They had no choice but to quickly turn back and head to the nearest public restroom, Stell flinging the emptied milk tea canister to the first garbage bin they passed by. The younger sprinted inside the restroom while Pau decided to sit and wait by the concrete bench just in front of it.

It didn’t take Stell long before he was stepping out of the fairly sanitized cubicle. He was already soaping his hands by the sink when the wooden door swung open with a slight creaking noise. By instinct, he threw a swift glance to the man who just walked in and then back to the task at hand. Stell _tsked_ , realizing he had no tissues to wipe his hands with, so he walked a little to the side to where a hand dryer was readily available, politely excusing himself from the man who was just standing by the sink. The man stepped aside to give him some room and Stell muttered a soft thank you.

“You’re welcome.” The man responded back with a hoarse voice, and while Stell thought it was rather odd, he still nodded to acknowledge the courtesy, albeit keeping his head down.

While Stell took a quick scan of himself in the mirror, combing his fingers through the thick tresses of his hair and maintaining eyesight exclusively to his reflection, he heard a curious hum coming from the man beside him. Somehow, he felt uncomfortable by the sound, as well as the noticeable proximity of the man to his personal space. He was a tad bit too close that should Stell move an inch, he would be bumping his shoulder against the man’s burly arm. He didn’t want to be rude by entertaining such incredulous ideas, but the air around them was suddenly becoming too dense to ignore.

_What is this?_

His heart settled uneasily against his chest as he lifted his gaze to the mirror as slowly as Stell could muster. The moment his eyes landed on the reflection of the man next to him, a beat of silence clapped against the walls of the cramped space. He didn’t know who he was, but there was something in that built figure, scruffy chin, greying hair and brawny arms swarmed in massive tattoos that told Stell it would be best to walk out of that room that instant. He didn’t like the feeling sinking deep in his stomach, something he shouldn’t be feeling, something he shouldn’t be experiencing.

_What is wrong with me?_

_He looked so familiar,_ his mind supplied, but he didn’t want to be bothered by such things anymore because Pau was waiting for him outside and he still had a mini surprise to work on. So Stell prepared to take that crucial first step toward the door when he heard the man puffed and their gazes met once again through the mirror. Although it was quite fleeting; not even more than a fraction of a second glimpse before the man bowed his head; a barely noticeable smile pursed on his lips. Before Stell could even process the situation, the man was already heading out of the door in haste, yanking it wide open with a bit of force and completely vanishing out of Stell’s sight.

As soon as the door’s lock clicked, signaling that he was indeed already alone, he let all the air out of his lungs, not realizing how tortuously long he had been holding his breath. He coughed out several times, more times than his throat could manage that he could almost feel it bleeding inside. Perching his arms above the wet surface of the sink, he balled his fists in order to stop them from shaking.

_What is wrong with me?_

“Ubebe?” he heard Pau call from the outside of the restroom. He quickly turned the faucet on and splashed cold water on his face.

And that was when he heard Pau stepping inside, a little too late to hide his now pale and dripping wet face. He blanched at the sudden touch that ghosted around the little of his back, but he struggled to remain calm, knowing it was his boyfriend and nobody else.

“Baby…” Pau took a weary step closer to Stell, and he hitched a breath as he watched Stell’s lip tremble, and tears slowly come up his eyes and fall without a cry and it broke his heart. Taking him by the back of his neck, Pau gently brought Stell’s head down to his shoulders and let it rest there, brushing his hair, whispering words of comfort and love. “Baby, I’m here. I’m here.”

_I know. I know you’re there._

Stell kept silent, but he was screaming inside, trying to flee from the endless dark tunnel that was not at all his choice. And it seemed he couldn’t find a sign that it would ever end. How he wished he could say it hurt, that it was only a wound that ached in the cold weather, how he wished it was easy.

But it wasn’t. Nothing was.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my second series. I hope you can give it the same love you showed for Lockdown Lovers! Hearts and comments are deeply appreciated. Love you!


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